What are your thoughts on this? Don’t know if I’m overthinking or being sensitive. 

[questioningthis1]

I’m not sure if I’m overthinking this. I’ve been seeing someone for over a year. Some of you might recognise previous posts. But I’m going to list a few things here.

I have a three-year-old child. I started seeing a woman over a year ago. It’s been around 15 months.

I recently introduced her to my child.
she doesn’t have kids so I do wonder if this is a factor. I’m also wondering if I’m overthinking things. I’ll shortcut her to ‘DP’ for ease of reading.

We do get on well and when we are together, we have a nice time. But recently she has met up with me when I’m with my daughter. So she’s only recently met her.

obviously, as a list of things, I don’t want it to look all black-and-white. But I’m just going to give a list of some things that have happened that I have been thinking about.

1. My daughter plays a lot of role-play games. She wanted to be the teacher and she wanted me and DP to be the babies. And she told us to go to the baby room which I imagine she hears a nursery.

DP Then said under her breath “No one is telling me what to do” And walked out of the room and went to the toilet. When she returned, she didn’t play the role-play game.

1. My daughter said something quite innocent to me the other day, which was To say “ Mummy, I’m going to call you miss ‘x’” (x being her last name which is the surname of my ex-wife)

DP said “ How did she know that was going to piss you off? How did she know to say something like that to piss you off?”

I replied that it didn’t piss me off. I said she gets called ‘’Miss X’ sometimes and it’s her last name and it didn’t piss me off at all.
Also, my daughter doesn’t know anything about our last names as such because she’s only three so she doesn’t really know that that’s my exes name and not mine etc.

1. My daughter was very excited, not wanting to go to bed one night, running around etc, so I said to DP That I’m just going to see to my daughter and I’ll be downstairs in a bit.

To which DP Replied as she walked out of the bedroom door “ I’ll go downstairs, but she knows what she’s doing”. Which I felt was insinuating my daughter was being manipulative or something like that.

1. I had a workman come round the other day to give me a quote and I asked DP if she would mind keeping my daughter in the living room playing while I spoke to the work man in the kitchen. She said of course that is fine. Within two minutes, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for things. I asked her to go back into the living room. But she wouldn’t. I then heard DP whispering DC’s name a couple of times. Not coming in to get her but just whispering her name from the living room. It was very frustrating trying to talk to the work man. I popped my head into the living room and she was just sat there on her phone. So I kept my daughter in the kitchen while I spoke to the work man.

I will just leave these examples for now.
there are a couple of other things, but I have posted about them separately over the last few weeks.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking. She doesn’t have children. I have enjoyed spending time with her, but since I have introduced her to my daughter, I’m having doubts. I wasn’t having any doubts before this

She sees your daughter as a threat. It’s as plain as the nose on your face. It will only get worse.

@MinPinSins
i have looked at the star Hobson case but I can’t see similarities. Is there something that was said or done that’s similar?

@Yellowmellowmarshello

we are both 40.
I did speak to her after the second time they met. I asked if she was annoyed with DC or didn’t like her because of some of her responses to her. She said that wasn’t the case and apologised if it seemed like that.

She seemed to be sometimes looking off into the distance when DC was speaking to her so I checked she was ok and nudged her to say DC was speaking to her.

so I did mention that at the time.

Unless you've lied about the way she's spoken to/behaved around your daughter, how nice she is in other ways is inconsequential. She resents a young child. YOUR young child. That would be enough for me to end the relationship.

Put your daughter first op.

This person isn't it.

Can I check if you're neurodivergent in any way? It doesn't seem you're able to read this woman very well. And you're getting very good advice on here that you don't seem to be taking in.

I genuinely want to check because otherwise I'm a bit baffled at you not taking action to what are clear signals this woman does not like your DC, and therefore your DC is at risk.

I'm getting the impression that you're back peddling now that so many people have said that you should end this relationship OP. Please, for the sake of your child DO NOT DO THIS! Your child is young and extremely vulnerable, and you need to put HER first. My DD was warned about her partner, trying to separate her from her kids when they first got together, there were sneaky comments, and small actions that warned onlookers, that this relationship was not good for her children, she didn't listen, and now, that the children are grown up, none of them want anything to do with her or her partner, so he ultimately achieved what he set out to do, which was to get my DD all to himself, it's SO sad!! I therefore say again, please don't be selfish, your relationship with your child is so much more important than a relationship with another partner.

She sounds absolutely horrible. I do not think it would be fair on your daughter to have this person around her. If she is like this in front of your face, imagine what she could do behind your back. Put your daughter first and get rid of "D"P.

So many people here are seeing serious, even dangerous, red flags here OP.

But you have come back and said "I’m wondering if what I’ve posted in my initial post seems very black-and-white. I haven’t given Information about other aspects of her or her personality." As if we might change our opinions if we could see the good side.

It doesn't matter. You could tell us amazingly positive things about her and wonderful things she does for mankind. But it doesn't change how she has acted around YOUR daughter. This outweighs anything and everything positive about her. Your daughter depends on you to protect her.

There are clear red flags here, I’m afraid. She is mean to and about your young daughter. It sounds like jealousy, and it also implies that she’s not a very kind person. If she’s bothered about ‘making a good impression’, she’s really not going about it the right way!

I would be concerned at leaving my DC unsupervised with someone like this, because if she’s mean about your daughter in front of you, it’s highly unlikely she will be unkind to her in private.

I’m afraid this is not going to work. Your child’s wellbeing and happiness must be your property and you cannot bring someone into her life who dislikes or resents her. It will only get worse.

@BeenzManeenz
I was diagnosed autistic about 9 years ago.
I am taking in what’s being said. I am reading the comments. I haven’t reacted to this immediately by ending the relationship today and updating you all. I am taking on board what’s being said.

Is there something I am saying that makes you think I’m not taking it in?

And I don’t want neurodivergence to be used against me here either.
I am capable of assessing situations which is why I have listed several points to talk through on here.

Red flags here. Run for the hills from anyone who thinks a 3 year old is being manipulative. The fact she is nice in all other areas of your life is incidental. She is dreadful in this area - the most important part.

I say this as a step mother of decades. If she's behaving like this now in these early days, it will get worse.

And as someone who grew up with a parent who was convinced babies/toddlers were manipulative, sneaky and conniving, believe me - people like this should not be around children. Still trying to find my way through the impact of that at 50.

Ok that makes sense, you've mentioned it casually but not actually address it "formally". It might be helpful if to set aside some time and really talk about it. Her reaction itself may answer some questions i.e., is she sorry, is she defensive etc.

Also worth asking your child what she thinks about your DP and how she feels spending time with her, she's only 3 and children don't lie.

In the quoted post you say:

'Is there something I am saying that makes you think I’m not taking it in?'

I think it's the fact that when people began to say that you should end the relationship, you seemed to back track, and started telling us how nice she can be, etc. This makes me think that you don't really want to end the relationship, now that you've had your concerns about her behaviour toward your child confirmed as red flags. This is REALLY worrying, because as many people have said, your job is to advocate for, and protect your daughter, and failing to end the relationship worries us that you are putting your child at risk.

Op this just gets weirder and weirder. She has a real issue with your little girl.

Please don't put your daughter through this.

@Givenupshopping

i can see why it may seem like that. But I can’t assure you I’m not back peddling. My daughter is my number one priority. And always has been.

I suppose my concern was I listed several concerns and felt like I may have been unfair. Because there have been times where she’s played with my daughter, and done nice things with her, and been kind and playful etc. so I felt like I might have given an imbalanced picture

Who in their right mind would drag their child into this and ask for their opinion????

...a child saying "oh I like playing with Sarah. She's nice" means nothing beyond your 3 yo comms skills arent developed enough yet to pick up on the non verbal cues the "D"P is giving....
If the chils says "i dont like sarah" it tells you nothing you dont already know, which is there's a problem....

OP is the adult is this scenario.
They don't need a child's input to make an informed decision they have the relevant info already... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Major red flags! She's obviously jealous and nasty towards your daughter! "Nobody's telling me what to do" about a 3 year old's innocent role play?? Seriously?? And "She knows what she's doing" when your baby wants your attention?? WTF?? YUK.
I'd be worried about your daughter's safety around her. Seriously bad vibes..

@Givenupshopping My SD could be nice to me, in the beginning. There were signs that he wasn't as nice as he pretended but my DM chose to ignore them. He ended up making my life hell.

I think that's true, they do tend to give an unvarnished response, but equally sometimes they aren't fully across a situation either. They can "like" someone because of their purple shoes or some other random observation.

We were discussing best holidays ever in our house, and one of our dc chose a particular trip because when we had, in desperation, picked up McDonalds on the way to the airport, there was an ice cream sundae option we don't have in the uk. That made it the best trip ever - and the destination had such a wealth of fabulous features. At three their judgment isn't what it ought to be, and they need an adult to take important decisions.

I worry that if DD decides that (on that day, at that moment) she "likes" the DP, that will give the op the impression its all fine - when to an objective adult's judgment, it clearly isn't.

If your friends husband was "nice" and "kind" to her mon-fri but put her down, verbally abused her and make her feel worthless and unwanted all day sat and sun.....

Would it be unfair to tell her it wasnt a healthy situation and she needed to leave and get the hell away from him?

Except in this scenario your friend would in fact be a powerless 3 yo with no volition who can't leave...

It sounds like she doesn't really like children very much and has unrealistic expectations of their behaviour. The "she knows what she's doing" comment especially stood out because most children use delay tactics to avoid going to bed. My DD is seven and every night she decides bedtime is just the perfect time to declare her undying love for me and insist she couldn't possibly spend any time apart from me 😂

Whether or not this will work depends on what you want from the relationship. It doesn't sound as if you want to keep it casual and separate from your daughter and if this continues it will breed resentment in everyone.

Another AIBU asking for advice then deciding the issue isn’t a problem really and dismissing the overwhelming consensus because they might be wrong about the fact.

@Tropicana46
yes thats basically what she was doing and running around. Wanting hugs. Asking for food, wanted to play, wanted me to read more books. Basically trying every single thing possible to avoid getting into bed.

this happens often, so I am fully used to it. But this was the first time DP had seen my daughter at bedtime