Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

This is utterly ridiculous and completely unhealthy. You will do your future self a huge favour if you encourage they go without you!
Also, presumably he'll have the help of his parents once there, so won't need to parent on his own if that's his issue (as ridiculous as it is!)

What reason? That's quite unusual. This child is 5?

This.

YABU to say you’re not going and also that your DC can’t go.

YANBU to not go yourself if you’re genuinely not up for it but it presents a good opportunity for your 4 year old to be a bit more independent from you which will help when he’s no longer the centre of your whole focus in two months when your newborn arrives!

You’re being very selfish

How do you know? DH SHOULD go with DC. Got to loosen the apron strings at some point. You might be pleasantly surprised!

Honestly you're being a bit pathetic.

3 hours is nothing at 7 months. I did 5 hours each way two weeks after a traumatic birth where I had to be resuscitated and needed 8 transfusions and a week in HDU.

Basically you don't like the ILs, don't like their celebrations and don't want anything to do with them.

Your biggest issue is that your DC won't be alone with your DH. I expect you will be back in a couple of years asking for help with sibling rivalry unless you sort that problem out now. A trip away just the two of them sounds ideal.

I think you should go & let your husband deal with any unwanted comments. I do think however that you are being quite sensitive & other people may have just ignored these comments. I agree that it would be a good experience for your four year to go without you - would one night away be a compromise?

This is really concerning. It's his dad. Why is their relationship so poor that they can't spend 48 hours together without you? As a family you really need to work on this.

What was she supposed to say, he's 'demanding' an overnight?

I doubt he's spending any overnights at OP's parents. OP, does he?

Yes it would be unreasonable for you to say no to this trip.

You can say no for yourself, but you can’t say no for your 4yo child and DH.

If your 4yo can’t bear to be without you, you need to fix that. That’s not good for DC, especially when the other parent and GPs will be there. If you don’t want to fix it you’ll have to suck it up for two nights and go for the sake of your DC (consider it your penance for allowing your 4yo to need specifically you and not just her dad every single night!).

You can’t hold everyone to ransom like this. Nothing you’ve described about your MIL warrants a right to do that.

I get not wanting to see in-laws. Your excuses for not doing so are clearly excuses and not reasons, but if you don't get on with your in-laws then it is understandable you will cite any excuse not to.

What is not reasonable is you saying dc can't go alone with dh because they will get upset and you will miss dc. That is pure pfb territory and you are going to have to address that soon with baby no 2 on its way. If your dc and dh cannot be alone together, how on earth are you going to manage when there are 4 in the family and you need dh to take dc1 for a bit so you can concentrate on dc2? If dc1 is so dependent on your attention, they may well have their nose put out of joint by the arrival of dc2. So, at 7 months pregnant, this is an ideal time to start reinforcing the relationship between dc1 and dh so they are less reliant on your input. You need to tell dh this, since I see you say he wouldn't want to take your child alone. And it would provide you with a great chance to relax, think only of yourself, pamper yourself, or organise things ready for the new baby, whichever you feel you need most.

You say that, but it can’t be completely guaranteed. Of my immediate friend circle, one had baby early and had to be in hospital for a month. Another, baby needed a hernia operation and they were in for a few weeks. Loads of babies with older siblings end up being admitted for things like bronchiolitis over the winter, one of mine was in (with me) for a week with this.

It’s a bit mad that you are completely dismissing a 4 yr old being with their dad for 1-2 nights. Aren’t they at school- if not I assume they are starting next year? I would honestly be trying to sort that out over the next couple of months, otherwise you’re making a rod for your own back here (and your DH’s). And this is an ideal opportunity to start. If your DC realises you aren’t even there, chances are they’ll be fine and at least they won’t blame the baby!

Is your mother moving in to your house for this? I suspect you and your mother don’t think men are capable.

The 4 year old will be with her father and extended family, not a load of strangers. She may enjoy having some time with her father and the OP may be devastated to learn that their daughter wasn't quite as attached to her as she wanted!
Only on MN is a 3 hour journey is considered to be far away, for my second baby I was 1 1/2 hours from the hospital!

There are plenty of other word that wouldn't make a conversation with her husband sound like an employee asking for permission for annual leave.

Don't be daft. If he can't look after his own child for a couple of nights, he needs more practice.

OP, this would be a fabulous opportunity for your elder child to have some bonding tine with Dad. Sounds like they could both use it, and your child really needs to get used to being away from you. Don't make yourself indispensable, because you're not and you potentially risk problems in the future if you continue that narrative.

Your DH needs to learn to meet your DCs emotional needs alone especially with a sibling coming. He should go for 1 night with DC as a compromise for you all. He doesn’t get to claim this isn’t possible, he’s a DAD.

Let DH take your DC. You might end up in hospital for a week so what happens to your DC then? Far better to get him used to it now with his dad who can frame it as a big adventure and you both need to be super positive & excited about it. Get him a little backpack make up a travel kit, tell him you'll call him to say goodnight etc. He might be a bit teary but his dad is there who he presumably spends time alone with so will be fine. And if he doesn't spend time alone with him or do bedtime occasionally, then he bloody well needs to!
Honestly, let your DH step up and parent his child alone for a few days, he can enjoy sharing DS with his family and some father son bonding whilst you have some time alone before the baby comes or arrange a get together with some girlfriends so you're not mulling over them all weekend.

A request just means asking politely for something. If he wants OP to accompany him somewhere she's made to feel unwelcome, why wouldn't he ask her politely?

Obligations?
Fuck that.
If you dont want to go....just say no.
Husband can go with DC

I think you’re being ridiculous and over dramatic tbh. None of those examples in your OP scream horrible/abusive/toxic imo, it’s all very subjective and prone to emotion and over dramatics.

I think being 7 months pregnant is just an excuse - you don't want to go because you don't like your MIL. At least own it and be honest with DH why you don't want to go! And as for your 4 year old not wanting to be with dad and away from you - this is something that you need to sort out. Your child should be comfortable with either parent, you need to work on leaving the child with DH for progressively longer periods and DH needs to do at least half of bedtime routine.

YABU essentially blocking your DC and DH going just because you don’t like it/it’s hard.
they have a right to have their own relationship with in laws and you need to facilitate it, even if you don’t want to go yourself