Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

DH will need to do more with your son once the baby is here. I think you should let them go and it will go much better without you there then you think.

Wtf?! Support his relationship?? JFC

You absolutely do not have to go, but you really should send DH off with DS. Will DH actually refuse to take him without you? That’s pretty pathetic.

Well yeah. She can happily support her husband’s relationship with his parents by waving him and their child off for a couple of days at their place.

Do you not recognise the value in having a relationship with parents? Would you not make an effort for your partner so they can enjoy that? I'm astounded that this is at all surprising for you...

Not if the parents are always making snide comments and being rude. No.

What benefit do arsehole add to your life.

Why on earth doesnt your 4yr old like spending time with her father?Even an afternoon. This is not healthy behaviour for a 4yr old. Possibly you are very possessive and exclude your DH.
If you wont let your child go with her father,then you all must go. It is only 2 days.
It isnt all about you. Your DH wants to see his parents as he is not seeing them at xmas.
Try not to be selfish.

I would let DH go with DC and you stay at home. Your DC needs to get used to the possibility you might not be there every night. You will have to focus on the new baby when they arrive and how will DC cope if for any reason you have to stay in hospital o/n when you give birth ? Surely better to have a “trial run” with DH in advance.

Let him go with DC then you can rest and not deal with MIL.
A four year old will cope better than you think with dad and grandma - honestly.

An excuse or an extra reason not to want to have to put up with things that are annoying?

I travelled 4 hrs to see my in laws when I was pregnant. I like my in laws, no issues there, but the journey was an absolute pain because I needed to go to the toilet so often - DS chose the journey to be very active and I swear was using my bladder as a trampoline. It was tiring and wearing.

I agree with this.

But she’s not worried about the pregnancy aspect of the journey. Just that she doesn’t like her in laws. It’s fine for her to say she won’t go but she can’t stop her husband from going. And she should be encouraging him to take their child with him. But she won’t because I think she might be a bit of a control freak. And that’s putting it politely. But we’ll never know as op hasn’t returned to the thread…

YABU, people can work till a few weeks before giving birth and you've said you'd go otherwise as have been a good pregnancy.

Mil is one person, you'd be doing it for your husband and kids relationship with wider family.
DH can absolutely go with kids and without you.
What happens if you end up staying over in hospital, he'd have to cope then, so why not start now?

Always being there isn't healthy for your kids, he's their dad and should learn to cope.

👏👏👏.

Then Yes - YABU... You're 7 months pregnant and have already declared its been a smooth pregnancy. 3 hours is nothing. 90 mins drive, take a break, 90 more minutes drive and you're there. Its like watching 2 movies in 1 day - youre just sat in a car not on the sofa.

Also cut the cord with your 4 year old. Your DH is weaponising incompetence by saying he "cant do it" - and you've jumped at that as a total control freak. I think in one post you even called her "my child" and not "our child" - which is very telling.

Another DIL treating his parents with contempt and differently. Just say it how it is, you control access to their son and grandchild. I hope you understand that when your dc are older you might be a mil too.

@amaliabnt They visit you once a month ? Is this very consistent ?
Do they stay over ?

I was all for just going untill I read you see them every month.

I don’t think it’s a huge deal tbh, I wouldn’t have thought twice about going. I was still flying at 32 weeks with my second baby, all you’ve got to do is sit in the car and then I’d find a nice sofa stop whilst MIL fussy over your 4 year old and I’d take the opportunity to rest!

AMEN

Go earlier when you'll be 6 months? I drove by myself to my parents- 2.5 hours drive when I was 8 months with my 2.5 year old as started mat leave early and fancied a change of scene, so personally dont see a massive issue esp if someone else is driving. Might not want to see family, but kinda have to...or could they come to you?

Yes it’s unreasonable to say no because your 7 months pregnant or your dc won’t settle with out you.
If you don’t want to go you shouldn’t go but your dh snd dc should . If you don’t want to be apart from your dc then yes you should go.

I agree with most pp's that say dad should go alone with lo.

I know you say birth is sorted but the reality is you may end up having to spend time away from home without your 4 year old.

If your 4 year old can't even spend an afternoon away from you, its going to be tough when new baby comes and they have to suddenly share mummy.

Definitely time for dh to push some sole parenting for lo and lessen their dependency on you

You dont want to go this time...fair enough. But dh should go with lo. He need to accept that you arent coming so if he wants to take lo, its solo.

There’s no good reason for you not to go. Most women in the world don’t stop their normal working lives at 7 months pregnant. You just don’t want to go and are looking for excuses.

You're entitled to your feelings, but be honest with yourself. In any case, your DH clearly wants you all to go, so if you don’t want him to take DC without you you’ll just have to decide whether it would really be a good idea for you to refuse.

I think you need to let your DH go with the 4 year old. Ridiculous that they can’t manage without you for 2 days. With a new baby on the way they will need to start spending more time with their dad. You sound like you want it all your way. It’s ok for you not to want to go but unreasonable to expect your DH to go without your DC.

Stop being a martyr and let them go without you. Your DD will love being spoilt by the grandparents and you need to start letting her get more independent for when the baby arrives.