Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

Agree with this, it’s odd that a 4 year old can’t be with one parent for two nights tbh so might do them good and you can have much needed relaxation!

I think lots of people don't have experience of being around really nasty negative family members.

Does your partner stick up for you when she says these things op?

This is a good idea. Book a nice hotel with a spa or pool.

Seems odd that your 4 year old would be that distressed for a couple of nights away from you. Have you never left them? Now is an ideal opportunity, I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think. You're going to have to leave him when you're giving birth!

Some harsh replies here possibly from pissed off MILs..

If you don't go, you'll need a better excuse.

Easier long term to just suck it up and figure out ways to make it manageable. MIL sounds very annoying so maybe just try to limit the total time spent in the house. We have a similar situation and what works for us is scheduling activities every day so we don't all get under eachothers feet. Would MIL want to be involved in everything you do?

Sounds like your husband needs some bonding time with his child. It’s not healthy to not do things because DC will be upset.

3 hours, as a passenger in a car?
that is not much

"... at 7 months pregnant" is irrelevant as you've already said if it was somewhere you wanted to go you'd do the journey happily.

Your question is "is it OK not to see my MIL because I don't like her?" - the answer is yes but I agree with others that you shouldn't stop your husband and child from seeing her. If they can't manage a small trip without you that's a whole other issue.

‘Stressful’ is an odd choice of word for a child spending time with their dad. I would be encouraging them to do more together especially in light of your unwillingness to go to in-laws and a new baby coming.

You seem to think this is normal and okay. It’s not. Your child is 4 and can’t spend an afternoon with their dad without becoming upset and wanting mummy. You need to work to stop that asap rather than feeding into it by being anxious about your child being upset. What if you need to spend an extended time in hospital after the birth?

I agree with this. I cannot understand how your husband, at four years in, has not developed a relationship with his child. That, or you're gatekeeping. It sounds so unhealthy. What's going to happen when you go and give birth? Your eldest is going to get a real land when you suddenly have to tend to a baby full time.

I also can't really see why you can't travel at 7 months pregnant unless there's a specific issue.

Finally, I also don't like my narcissistic MIL, but she's my husband's mum, so I suck it up for short periods at a time. I would go as far as to say I make it my business to "like" her, because at the end of the day, my husband wants her in his life and the kids lives. Sounds like at 3 hours away you get plenty of space so it's not like you're forced into each others pockets.

I hope all goes well, but for the sake of all concerned I think you need to unclench a little.

Concur with other posters.

You need to help forge this bond, especially with a new baby coming soon.

I find it a bit odd that aged 4, DC cannot spend 2 nights with his dad?

Jesus, loosen the apron strings for your child and DH.

You sound very controlling.

You can't stop doing things because your 4 year old would get distressed, they need to learn to get used to daddy doing things without mummy there. What age do you think this will stop if you don't try now.

If you're not concerned about actual safety I'd let them go together without you. A few tears isn't the end of the world.

I was going to write similar - thanks for saving me the job!

I think it's reasonable not to want to go, but I echo many previous posters that it makes sense for DH and DC1 to go on their own. You say they'll both hate it, but DC1 is going to need to start relying more on your DH once the baby gets here - so it makes sense to start deepening that relationship now, and this is a perfect opportunity. You get to stay home and relax (away from MIL...) and your DH gets to see his mum and she gets to see her grandchild.

I think this needs some compromise. There’s no reason not to travel at 7 months pregnant but you clearly don’t want to go which is understandable. However if dc won’t go without you and DH wants to take dc I think you will have to bite the bullet and go. Can the trip be shortened at all to 1 night? Or 2 nights but arrive late on day 1 and leave early on day 3? What are you prepared to compromise with?

He wants to spend some time with his parents. He wants his child to spend time with their grandparents. Sometimes in a marriage you need to suck it up. If it was your parents, you'd make him go.

No it’s not, but that’s because it’s an excuse.

There's no right or wrong answer- pregnant or not you can decide whether you want to go or not and either is ok- on one hand you can do it in support of your DH and DC because it's important to them and they'll appreciate it, or you can say no- you don't want to go, then it should be DH's decision from there- DH and DC can go if it's important to them to go and you all deal with the consequences/difficulties that brings, or you can all work together on the underlying problem of why your DH can't take your DC away for a night or 2...

To answer your question - yabu to use “I’m 7months pregnant” as an excuse not to travel 3 hrs. It’s not exactly a long way is it?

Also based on the information presented you come across as quite controlling and intolerant - I’m assuming the intolerance to the PIL and the impossibility of DC being with daddy for 2 days are coming from the same
place - you like to do things yourself your way. You will need to learn to let go and relax, especially before baby no2 comes along.

I think you should suck it up and go... very few of us enjoy staying with our in laws but we do it because it's important for our partner's and it is good for children to spend time with their grandparents.... however annoying they might be! There is no need to create problems between you and your husband just because you don't want to see his family. You have said feel fine, and being 7 months pregnant is not a believable excuse.
What will you do if your husband suggests that you host them instead at your house to save you travelling? Would that be preferable?

YWBU not to go because of the pregnancy, 7 months is usually fine and 3 hours is nothing (stop mid way for lunch). It does sound like you’re using being pregnant as an excuse.

Far better to establish some boundaries with your in-laws, if you don’t want to go because your MIL is a pain in the arse, say so/ make this clear. You’re a grown woman, if they piss you off avoid them.

I agree, send your DC with their dad, use it as a good opportunity for them to bond in case you are in hospital for a while with baby and they need to do their own thing.

It might be a good thing for wee one to be without you in an environment he doesn't associate with you, eg gps house. If he was at home you're absence might be more of an issue if that makes sense. Plus it's not like your partner would be on his own, their would be at least three adults there to help and trip can always get cut short if needed. I do understand your predicament, I was in similar situation and did end up in hospital for ten days after birth. They just had to get on with it.

OP did you really write your husband is ‘requesting an overnight’ to visit his own parents? It reads like he’s in a controlling relationship. What else does he have to request?