Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

YANBU at all. Send DH on his own whilst you have a relaxed weekend of takeout.

I think you sound as if you are using your pregnancy as an excuse.

Whilst you say your 4yr old would be unhappy being away for two nights I think either you all go or else your DH and DC goes.

she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth

Does this mean she didn't want your DH to be there for you at the birth? Or that she wanted to be there as well?

@nomashe specifically wants to go with DC, and I wouldn’t want to be separated from DC for 2 nights (and DC would find it very stressful)

It might be a good opportunity for DC to bond with DH. You need DH to do more with DC1 so you can concentrate on baby when it comes.

If DC1 gets really upset, DH can bring them home.

IMO you’ll probably be fine to travel that far at 7 months pregnant (28-31 weeks ish??)

And if you do it the , there’s going to be less pressure on you to do it when you have a newborn.

So do it now and you’ve met your obligations - and as you say, they make the effort to visit you quite frequently.

I’m a big fan of not visiting family and totally understand your reasons, but I think I would either suck it up or I would send your husband and kid. Kids always cope better than we think & you could have a few days to just chill and nap and have some freedom before the baby comes.

I’d definitely let my husband go with our child. The child will be fine for a couple of nights and as a pp said, it’ll be good practise for when the baby is here and your husband will need to do more of the care of your eldest child.

So you choose whether it’s more important to be separated and get your own way about not going, or it’s more important to not be separated and go.

It doesn’t bode well for your DC’s wellbeing if you’re about to have another baby and they won’t enjoy 48 hours either their father and grandparents.

Hmm.

The journey is fine on its own but your MIL sounds difficult so I can’t blame you not wanting to schlep 3 hrs to see her when you’re heavily pregnant. So I think YANBU here.

I think it’s odd you/your 4 yr old can’t be without each other for a couple of nights though so I think YABU to block your DH going with DC just because you don’t want to. Your 4 yr old is going to have to adjust to a little less of your attention so perhaps this a chance for some bonding with dad without you? While you get to relax at home. Win win.

I mean unless you are cycling there I don’t see how being 7 months pregnant is relevant. It would be sensible to let 4 year old go without you because he needs to adjust to being away from you.

I drove 4 hours each way alone, with a toddler in the back, when I was 8 months pregnant. I was ok. The main issue was that there was an accident ahead, so traffic stopped for a while. I was therefore unable to use a loo, despite a baby head sitting on my bladder. That’s unusual.

@FuzzyWolfto be honest I wouldn’t want to go if I wasn’t pregnant either - I always dread Xmas for this reason (we don’t go to my family because they don’t celebrate it, and I guess because of that to me Xmas is “just another day” except I’ve got to spend it with in laws).
I’m happy to go away on trips throughout my pregnancy, I feel fine and have been lucky with not feeling too ill or big or uncomfortable so far. It’s more that I’m already carrying a child, I feel SOME effects of pregnancy naturally (like being nauseous for the first few months, feeling somewhat uncomfortable sleeping, getting tired more easily than before, peeing a lot) although far far less than many other pregnant ladies I know. So I’d rather not add the extra discomfort in the form of MIL, but yes, if it was a pleasant trip I’d go without a second thought.

there’s no way DH would go with DC alone. DC would hate it (asks repeatedly for mummy and gets upset after spending an afternoon with dad, really struggles to go to sleep if I am out for the evening) so DH would struggle, and I would spend the whole time anxious about my child being unhappy

@NameChangedForThis2025my DH simply wouldn’t go with DC without me. It would be a nightmare, they’d both hate it

You’re making excuses.

How very sad.

Which is why I said earlier that you are using the pregnancy as an excuse. You just don’t want to go.

How is your DC going to cope if you end up in hospital for several nights when you give birth?

Honestly, this is your biggest problem, not whether you should visit ILs or not. This sounds like it's going to be an absolute nightmare when you have another baby.

It really is not normal behaviour at all. Work on this and worry about the IL problem another time.

DH should go with the 4 year old seeing as he only goes once a year and won’t be going at Christmas. If you don’t think DC will cope then go too. A long journey when pregnant isn’t much fun, but it’s very doable if there aren’t complications.

Perhaps you could book a week in an Air BnB nearby and visit over the course of a few days. Turn it into a holiday where you’ll have your own space.

There is nothing especially difficult about a three hour drive while pregnant. Is your pregnancy really the reason, or do you just not want to see your inlaws?

The fact that you describe your MIL's disagreements with you as "tantrums" is a big red flag, suggesting that you are intolerant of any difference between your opinions.

Your inlaws are already going to miss out on your company at Christmas. It seems very fair that you should try and see them earlier to make up for it. Naturally your DH wants to see them, and give them opportunities to see their grandchild. It sounds a bit like you don't feel you need to make any sacrifices to help your relationship with them along.

if you don't want to go, say so. He is not UR for wanting to see his parents if he's not going to see them at christmas.

He can take DS with him and you can lie around all weekend being pregnant. Win-win

Sounds like you are between a rock and hard place op. I think the best option is to just get on with it and go. You can feign tiredness etc and take to your bed whilst there. Then that's it done, you can come home and focus on last couple months of your pregnancy. Hope you are ok. I had a very clingy toddler during my pregnancy it was tough but it will get better x

That's a shame really.

there’s no way DH would go with DC alone. DC would hate it (asks repeatedly for mummy and gets upset after spending an afternoon with dad, really struggles to go to sleep if I am out for the evening) so DH would struggle

oh god.
Stop it. Your DH is the child's parent. They have to learn to be together and you have to let go.

But if you don't: don't come back her in 6 months whining about how you have a tiny baby and a 4 year old and have to do everything.