Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

💯

You’re going to have to tackle this very carefully and sensitively @amaliabnt so that your DC doesn’t feel like they’re being rejected in favour of the baby, but you do need to do something about it. It’s not normal/ healthy for your DC not to be ok in their dads company and care.

It doesn't sound very healthy to me he is their Dad.

What is he planning on doing if you’re in hospital for a night or two after giving birth?

I think, even if he doesn’t do this trip, you should have a night away from DC before the baby comes, so that the first time your DC has a night without you isn’t followed by a new baby coming home.

Your child doesn’t want to spend 48 hours in the company of their father? Your feelings about your MIL are irrelevant (pregnancy or not pregnancy, you don’t like her clearly but that’s another story for another day) you have a much bigger issue here. It’s not normal for your child to not want to spend time with their dad alone.

I have been in similar situation when we lived far enough from in-laws which meant every visit was a sleepover. Dreaded the visits for weeks.

We live closer now. In the sweet spot meaning it close enough to do day trips and far enough to avoid people popping in every 5 minutes.

You have more choice than you think. DH CAN go with DS without you if you just give it a chance. I promise you some of the anxiety is projected (I was the same).

Give it a chance and if DS is miserable then DH can cut the trip short to 1 day. 4yo children have the capacity to be away from their mother for 1 night, even if it means extra soothing. He may surprise you if you give him a chance.

You don’t want to go which is fine. I would send DH with 4 year old or just go with them and hope I wouldn’t have to do it again until Christmas 2026!

Well from the updates it’s all go or none go. I don’t know what else you want from this thread?

I’d just lay it out. You don’t want to go, he can go with or without the toddler.

You’re allowed to not go that’s perfectly fine. It’s the his choice to take the child with him or not. As long as you won’t hold it against him.

Can’t say I’d want to travel 3 hours or more realistically with stops 7 months pregnant for two night. Regardless of where. Maybe a train but not just in a car but then I find I get uncomfortable on long drives anyway.

I think if you have an actual pregnancy related impairment (Pelvic girdle pain for example) that is stopping you going then fine, but 3 hours at 7 months pregnant is not a lot and you are just using it as an excuse. You either need to allow your DH to travel with his child to see his parents for 2 days or go with them.

Why can’t you travel?

A trip to your in laws is the least of your worries here.

Also, I agree with other posters that it is wrong for you to be so negative about the idea of your DC travelling with your DH and not you. They have to have the chance to develop their own relationship, especially with a second child coming along. Naturally it will be stressful for you to let go a bit, but you don't have any right to prevent the father-child from developing just because of the transient stress it will cause you, or because you aren't prepared to tolerate the short-term difficulties that your child might have as they learn to be away from you.

In a few months time you may well be seething with resentment if your DH and your older child don't have the kind of relationship in which they can go happily away together and let you focus on the baby or yourself.

Why don't you suggest meeting halfway for lunch in a pub or something?

This is not at all healthy. Your husband is also a parent. Why have you both allowed it to get to this stage? Now you’re pregnant with the second, how are you going to manage both demanding children at the same time? It’s going to be impossible and your eldest may be become resentful of the attention the baby is taking away from them.

I think you're being unreasonable to use being pregnant as an excuse. But it's a good opportunity to tackle this situation of your older child not coping away from you before you have to do it in a stressful situation in the event of a few nights in hospital post-birth.

Send them both off cheerily and with a clear expectation to your DH that he has strategies for DS to help him manage a couple of nights.

I wouldn’t want to be so far away from my normal hospital but I was probably too anxious. I would probably have hated the journey too so I do understand why you wouldn’t want to go.

The bigger problem is not being away from your 4 year old. What if you have an emergency c- section and need to spend a couple of days in hospital? I think you need to let your dh take your dc. I would think very poorly of your dh if he’s unable to look after his own child.

How is you DC going to cope if you have to stay in hospital overnight, possibly for several nights when baby is born? Now is the time to prepare. And this is the perfect opportunity.

Who is caring for 4yr old whilst you're in hospital?
If heaven forbid you had to stay in hospital for a few days what happens to your dc if he won't even stay with his own dad?

I think you have 2 months to gently steer your dc towards a stronger relationship with your dh for all your sakes.

Then you and your child need to build up some resillience

I travel 2 hours each way just to get to some good shops! What if you went Saturday morning and left Sunday afternoon, so just one night?

So you don’t want to go, and you don’t want them to go without you. If my partner made it this difficult for me to see my parents I’d be peed off.

I agree with this. If, by the age of 4, your DC is so attached to you alone that you can’t leave her for an afternoon with her father without upset you only have a short time left to fix this before you are potentially in for serious sibling rivalry that will be much worse than your MIL issue.

Could you go for one night or two but stay in a hotel. It does sound like you are being a bit difficult

You are using your pregnancy as an excuse not to go. I understand that you don’t want to go - and why - but this is poor form, OP. Your husband understandably wants to hang a get-together with his parents in lieu of Christmas this year. Your four year old should have access to his/her grandparents. You should pull up your big girl pants and facilitate this. We all hand TK do things we don’t want to do and this won’t kill you.

You sound like a nightmare OP.

Let your DH take your DC to his parents for 2 nights on his own if you don't want to go.

Did MIL really have a tantrum because you wanted your DH at the birth?