Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

Just to be clear — there are no issues around the birth and how that’ll work. Those things are already sorted and aren’t part of this. Please don’t derail on that. My question here is specifically about whether it’s reasonable for me to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant.

I just want to add than I went on holiday around 3 hours drive away when I was 6 months pregnant and I found the drive so unbearable due to the amount of rib and hip pain I had. I didn’t foresee this at all and the drive home was horrible being stuck sitting for such a long time, so I don’t think pregnancy is an excuse, it is a real thing which you can’t predict. I wouldn’t plan any long drives for future for me,but other people may be different and driving for ten hours or something silly at 39 weeks!!

Saying all that, I wouldn’t plan any encouraged for DH to go and take your 4 year old. They will cope and it’s only for two days which will give you some down time to rest. This is coming from someone who doesn’t feel comfortable at my in laws house. With a newborn they will have to cope. It could be a big daddy adventure!

If you’re saying your child can’t be away from you for two nights, how are they going to cope when you give birth? To me, this is the idea moment for dad and toddler to have some bonding time while you get a weekend at home to nest. But it does seem like you could suck it up for a couple of days, with DH prepped to step in if MIL makes unreasonable comments

You’re being really selfish, basically saying you don’t want to go therefore the whole family shouldn’t go. Pregnancy is not an excuse to get out of doing things you don’t like, you’ve admitted yourself you’re fine to travel and would go if it wasn’t your MIL and three hours is not a long way especially when you can stop along the way. Your DC will be fine with your DH for a mere two nights (and what are you going to do when you’re in hospital after the baby arrives if not?) but if you don’t want to send them alone then you should suck it up and go too.

There is a lot to unpick here. The thought that they would hate to be in each others company for a couple of nights is not right. It’s also not right that you wouldn’t want to be away from your 4 year old for two nights. Are there SEN issues?

How are things going to work when you have two kids?

I think op wants permission to forbid her husband from seeing his parents in their home.

Grit your teeth and get on with it - it’s two days with your husband’s parents and your child’s grandparents. If the journey is that unbearable at 7 months pregnant factor in plenty of stops!
YAB TOTALLY U!

Why on earth did your MIL have a tantrum about your DH attending the birth of your first child? Surely it's pretty much standard practice now for dads to be at the birth? She sounds very odd.

This 100% you’re being difficult and this will strain the relationship further. Suck it up.

Sorry OP - I was all for siding with you (I was very sick during my pregnancy) but after your updates
about your child not wanting to be their own father for just a few days and you saying this was a reason - YABVU and selfish. You are projecting your own hatred of your mil onto your son. I feel bad for your husband and your child. More really for your poor child. Your husband could push back as he’s an adult - but your child? Poor form Op.

Yes it is reasonable for you to decline. but not sure if it’s reasonable for your DC not to go.

Unless you are going to homebirth and refuse a hospital transfer even in a life-threatening emergency then how you can you be sure that he'll be fine being separated from you overnight in two months when he can't do so even with his own father now?

Why is it all about you though?

You don't want to go because you'd find it too stressful, and you don't want him to take his child without you because you'd find that too stressful too.

I can't make up my mind if you're making excuses or being controlling.

Why aren't you building your 4 year old up for an 'exciting trip' with daddy to see his grandparents, and tell you all about it when he returns??

It's two days and you're not doing your child any favours here at all.

I think you are unreasonable not to go. It’s only a couple of nights and your husband wants to go. Do you see a lot of your own parents?

Yeah that’d be perfect, but DH is specifically requesting an overnight thing.

I think you've got two options

• go all together
• they go without you.

If the second isn't viable, that leaves you with the first. I honestly think it would be unreasonable of you to stop the entire trip just because you don't like your mother-in-law.

At 4 years old, it really shouldn't be a big deal for your child to spend a few nights away from you. Especially if they'll be with their father.

Is he a kind father? Do you have concerns about your child's safety with their father when you're not there? If so, you have a much bigger problem here.

If not, you need to detach a little and let your child learn that daddy is also their parent and can look after them. The both of you as parents should not have let it get to this stage. It's not as if your child is still a baby.

FWIW I think if it wasn't for this unhealthy dynamic, you should go and visit your in laws. It's not a big deal to travel 3 hours at 7 months pregnant and you won't see them at Christmas. Not everyone rejoices in the company of their in laws but unless they are abusive towards you, it's family and you should make an effort.

However, since you're about to throw a bomb into your 4-year-old's life in the shape of a new sibling, their bond with their father is soooo important. For that reason I think you need to send them off together and skip the trip for their sake. It's a good opportunity.

I always dread Xmas for this reason (we don’t go to my family because they don’t celebrate it, and I guess because of that to me Xmas is “just another day” except I’ve got to spend it with in laws).

I would put a stop to this straightaway.

Spend Christmas at home from now on. Tell in laws they're welcome to visit.

Let DH cook for them if he wants to host them.

Couldn't you book book a hotel or an air b and b ?

Yes you are being unreasonable, pregnancy is not an illness. Does that help?

It sounds like you just don't want to go, but you don't want them to go without you either. It's selfish.

Ok based on your updates yes YABU.

Your DH won’t see his parents at Christmas as normal so wants to go now and take DC.

You don’t want to go, fine, but nor do you want DH to take DC by himself.

I think if you really won’t let them go alone you need to suck it up and go too. And while you’re there DH can take DC out for the afternoon with his parents, so they can start bonding together, while you chill on the sofa.

I think then that in this instance you should try and compromise with your dh and perhaps visit for 1 overnight.

Yabu

It’s odd your DC would be stressed with her own father for 2 nights. I think you sounds controlling tbh. I’d let them go

Well he can't force you to stay overnight if you don't want to.

What is it that bothers you specifically? Is it the journey or staying with your in laws?

If it's the latter then could you stay in a hotel or an Airbnb close by?

If it's the former then just tell him you don't want to do a three hour drive when you're so heavily pregnant.