Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

If it was me I'd send husband with the 4 year old in their own but I understand you said you don't feel comfortable doing this so with the remaining options, I'd probably just do it, so then it's done and I have license fob them off at a later date when I probably need the space it more.

When I'm pregnant I hate being round my in laws to be honest. They get on my nerves for some reason. I think it's because I have difficult pregnancies and am basically mildly depressed for 9 months so I don't like seeing too much of anyone really.

Tough shit.

Either he gets mil to stop making stupid comments or he lives with the consequences and supports his wife and child.

YABU, youre throwing blockers into every workaround and offering no solution

A lot of hand wringing here around "oh but im pregnant and oh but the journey and oh but the kids without me"

When the only reason is you just dont want to go.

Own it. But dont then stop your kids from going too.

Your poor MIL

YADBU

HTH

I agree with the poster up thread that you are simply blocking a visit and finding excuses to fit.

All go for one night or encourage DH and your child to go alone.

Really? Have you never had a night away from your child these last 4 years?

It might be a good idea to start now before your 2nd baby arrives.

A weekend (or even just one night) away with the father might be gentle way to ease your older DC into the reality of having a younger sibling (aka you not being quite as available anymore)…

How will it work after birth? Days, weeks, months - how are you going to deal with a new born and a clingy 4/5 year old who hates being away from you? If you breastfeed, change nappies, trying to get them to sleep or soothing while they’re crying and your 4 yr old is demanding playtime or shouting ‘mummy loook at meee' at the same time? All this after you’ve just given birth, your body is still recovering, you’re exhausted, sleep deprived and hormonal. Is dad just going to be sitting there staring at all three of you helpless, unable to help because the older child refuses him?

The pregnancy isn’t a problem. I drove 4hrs 2 the next and then 7 the next when I was 7m pregnant. We were going away for DH’s birthday and as it was a surprise I did all the driving 😂.

The MIL is a problem.

However, reading your comments about your DC and DH, send them alone. They have to learn to be together without you!! My 18mo is about to be left with DH for 8 nights while I go away for work (the second time this year, the first one was 10nights!!!). I don’t love leaving them - but that’s a me issue, not them.

YABU to use pregnancy as an excuse.
Either you go past the previous comments from your MIL and try to maintain the relationship, or you don't. I don't think 2 nights is a big deal, neither is 3h drive, if you're fine seing her normally.
But I don't think you should have to go either, you already see your ILs regularly. So your DH should take your DS on his own, it's unfair to ask them not to go just because of you.

Ultimately, I would be concerned if my 4 year old wasn't comfortable spending a couple of days with their dads without me! That's not something I would encourage or support.

How else would you word it other than asked or requested. Both to me come across the same. Though in Mumsnet world I guess it’s all controlling.

Dh is saying we are going to go to his parents for the weekend. Dh controlling.

Dh has asked if we can visit. Controlling op
Dh has requested we can visit. Controlling op

Surely most ask or requested their partner not for permission more like making them aware of a desire to do something. Oh shit do I have that desire as my dh is controlling….

Think of another word.

You don’t know that your DC would find it stressful. If you’re supportive and encouraging there’s no reason why they wouldn’t enjoy a short trip away with their dad.

I don’t blame you AT ALL for not going, I wouldn’t want to in your shoes, but you shouldn’t be preventing your DH from taking his child to see their grandparents just because you don’t feel up to it.

Quite simply you can't have it both ways, you either all go together or your DH takes the 4 year old for an adventure.
YABVU using pregnancy as an excuse when you've said you are fine and would go on a trip if it was one you wanted to go on. FWIW I was still travelling all over the UK by myself for work at 7 months and had just got back from a holiday abroad.

I'd compromise with this. Pick somewhere nice half way, have lunch and spend the afternoon together.

It’s your right to decline this trip. Is it reasonable? That depends.

If you’re genuinely not up to it due to a difficult pregnancy, you wouldn’t be unreasonable.

But if it’s simply a case of not wanting to go? Not even for one night? That would seem selfish to me (based on what you’ve written on this thread).

It's not your pregnancy that's the problem, is it? It's your antipathy to your MIL and the issues with your DH and your 4 year old.
If your child cannot spend time with his Dad for a couple of nights, it's a problem.
It's fine for pp to point that out.

amaliabnt
my DH simply wouldn’t go with DC without me. It would be a nightmare, they’d both hate it

I used to think like this, but actually if you look at it from a different perspective that really means they need to go alone! At some stage you’re going to be in hospital and it’ll be just the two of them! Plus then you don’t have to deal with mil

As parents our key role is to bring up strong resilient children who can cope with life and all that it brings their way - the good and the bad.

from what your describe of your IL they are annoying but nothing to suggest your child will be unsafe or subjected to traumatic negativity. By 4, your child should have the skills and resilience to be apart from you. If they were 2, I would be more understanding of your position but ages 4 they should almost at school and not showing dependancy on you as their sole/primary carer. They are at an age where their life should not be revolving around you and the person who determines that is you not the child.
Be careful your current stance is not one of wanting to punish your husband into not seeing his parents because you merely don’t like them.

She can. She just doesn't want to go and visit her in-laws so is making multiple excuses.

Why does being 7 months pregnant make a difference? Sure people can always use pregnancy as an excuse if they want but the world doesn't stop when someome is pregnant

I’m 30 weeks pregnant and could travel the 3 hours to see ILs, despite having a complicated pregnancy and other young dc. BUT I don’t want to, so won’t be doing it. MIL is tricky at the best of times and we would have to stay in an air bnb.

How on earth do you know this if they've never been away together?

I imagine they would actually have a lovely time with your husband's parents for a couple of days but you don't want them to go without you.

I think you’ve made a rod for your own back not encouraging your 4 yo to be away from you at all. You don’t want travel to see MIL or let DH take DC, but how else will MIL see her grandchild? It’s perfectly normal and reasonable for your DH to want to take his child to visit their grandparents. If it were me I would be sending them both and enjoying a relaxing day at home.

Is the birth sorted because DC will go to your parents? Because forget the MIL in general, if your DH cannot manage your child for a few hours what are they going to do after birth- hospital or not? Your child for the next year at the very least will not have you at their beck and call.
This is hugely unfair to him that his parents have set up a dynamic where he is emotionally and physically reliant on a single parent, who will now have to manage another child. This is not the fault of the four year old, but his life is about to be ripped apart and it seems like the safety net for him hasn't been prepared.

There are some other versions that come to mind. But they sounds silly and stilted. (<= I agree with you, btw.)

“DH has voiced his desire to visit”

”DH has asked if I might consider…”

“DH has expressed his wish / desire to…”

you are pregnant, not an invalid. Soldier on