Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

Yes I think you're unreasonable. It's unreasonable for you to block your husband and child from seeing their family and it's unreasonable to refuse the suggestion to work on the bond of your husband and child. It's heartbreaking that you can't be away for a couple of nights. With two children you're going to have to do that at some point so maybe doing it for something enjoyable (for them) is a nice start.

7 months pregnant (baring complications) is a very normal time to continue to live your life.

Is it 3 hours each way or 1.5 hours each way so 3 hour round trip?
You've said your in laws visit you for a day every month so are they really driving 6 hours in one day to see you all for a few hours?

Well if you are literally saying you will not allow your child to go without you, then yes, I do think you are being unreasonable. Because I assume you won’t be travelling with a newborn, so when will you see them next?

I don’t see how the birth can be arranged if you refuse to spend a night without your child tbh. A homebirth can still result in a night in hospital. A child so attached to you that they cannot spend an afternoon with their dad without getting upset is going to find a baby sibling very hard.

Well if you wont let dc go with dh for couple nights then you dont really have a choice but to go. Esp if your not going at Christmas

7 months is nothing ( excluding complications) Most are still working then. I want to know why your DD and her father, can’t go away for 2 nights?!

ok then, no, its not reasonable, not if you are using it as an excuse to prevent your 4 year old going to their grandparents, which seems to be the case.

What do you want? Your DH not to go, or your DH to go without your 4 year old?

It would be totally reasonable for you to say no and send your child with its father, pregnant or not, but that is clearly not on the table, so there aren't a lot of options.

We all have to do things we'd rather not do for the sake of keeping people we love happy. This sounds like that thing for you, frankly.

And although you don't want to hear it - yes there are possible issues around the birth if your older child can't be without you even on a fun roadtrip with daddy.

Just imagine 30 or so years from now that this is your son and daughter in law, and your pregnant DIL doesn’t want to visit you, but also doesn’t want your son to visit with their other children. How would that make you feel? And although you may think that you are the most accommodating MIL, your DIL may think differently.
As PP have said, you may well be in hospital for a night or two soon, so best your 4 year old learns to not always be with you before the life changing (for them, certainly) arrival of their sibling.

If your DC cannot be away from you for a night or two with their dad, how on earth are they going to cope when you go to have the new baby????

Do you actually need to stay with them at their house? Can you stay in a Premier Inn or AirBnB nearby and pop in to see them for an hour or two? DH and DC can spend longer with them each day and he can drop you back at the hotel if you’re feeling tired (or have had enough of them) and you can chill out alone for a bit.

Why can’t you and your 4 year old be separated for 2 nights? That is something to work on I think, maybe it will be good for you all if your husband went with the DC

I have a 'difficult' MIL so I get the reluctance to visit, believe me.

But the pregnancy seems an excuse in terms of travel unless you are having difficulties. Although it's not just the travel - a big limitation for us visiting family in my pregnancy was the small uncomfortable bed that we'd have been expected to sleep in. Bad enough in normal times, not something I could have entertained at 7m pregnant.

This seems an ideal time for your husband and child to go together. Gives you a break, they get to spend time with father and grandparents. You say your child wouldn't like to be away from you for 2 nights - but when you have your baby you might well be away from them for longer than that.

Absolutely this. I went away on two trips which involved 6 hour drives at 7 months in both pregnancies. It didn't occur to me that it would be a problem and I didn't have straightforward pregnancies!

I find it sad that your DC has got to the age of 4 and they can't be left alone with their other parent without becoming hysterical. It's healthy and essential for their development to be allowed to to build attachments and bonds with other people, especially their father who should be an equal parent. He'll never learn to build a healthy and safe bond with his dad if you keep standing in the way with this. What's going to happen if you give birth and need to stay in hospital, or you new baby becomes ill and needs to stay in hospital too?

That really is not good.

What if you had an accident or something and DC had to be separated from you? What about when you go in hospital for the birth?

You need to get DC used to spending time with DH gradually, building up to an overnight without you, before DH and DC go to the PILs for 2 days.

I think it depends- pregnancy can make you feel tired and travel sick all to manage your emotions around someone you don't particularly get on with.

How about suggesting you mean half way somewhere really nice for a day or one night stay?

My question here is specifically about whether it’s reasonable for me to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant.

As it's straightforward pregnancy, yes YABU to use that as an excuse. If you don't want to go you don't want to go, but don't pathologize your pregnancy. Your MiL doesn't sound all that bad - what goes around comes around, how would you feel if your future daughter-in-law refuses to visit and not only that refuses your grandchild to go for no particular reason?

I did a 3 hour trip weekly until I was 8 months pregnant. You say your child will be stressed being away from you 2 nights what are your plans when you give birth if you need to stay for a few days in hospital? Maybe a good practice run and you stay home and relax

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments.
What on earth is a dangerous relationship? Nothing sounds toxic, you just didn't like her comments. MIL joked she'd steal the baby and you want to use your pregnancy to not visit them, and then prevent your DH from taking his child if he were to go alone? Your whole language about this is telling, as is your child suddenly being ok when seperated from you BOTH when you're in the hospital for 2nd baby.

This 👏

Of course the MIL is toxic.

Haranguing a couple struggling with fertility with questions like ‘are you pregnant yet?’ is toxic.

Haranguing a new mother with questions like why aren’t you still breast-feeding is toxic.

Haranguing a couple so that her son not be with his wife when she gives birth is toxic.

Well then you all go then.

each post you make sounds more and more like an excuse.

It's 3 hours, you can make stops etc.

Of course you're being unreasonable. Either you all go or you loosen up and let DH and DC go. They're 4, not 6 months, they'll be fine.

Agreed.

How're you going to deal with your child not coping then when you presumably go to hospital and gift birth as that could be 1-2-3 nights away from your child? He'll need to learn to cope.

Yeah I agree