Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

Quite. That's a nice combination of emotional blackmail and laziness/unwillingness to deal with the trickier aspects of parenting right there.

OP is expected not only to do what DH wants but in the way he wants it. This isn't compromise.

In a nutshell this is the problem.

Why does not taking a toddler and baby 3 hours away for Christmas mean there has to be a trade off. The in-laws visit every month anyway.

I’m more shocked that op ever agreed to every Christmas at the in-laws dragging her child away from their home.

Because maybe her DH wants to visit his parents in his parents home with his family once a year?

i certainly encouraged my husband to do that. Sometimes I went too.

I do agree that the Dh and the toddler should be able to go, or the Dh alone.

Or ops comprise of meeting and staying somewhere half way.

But I wouldn’t be feeling the need to make up for not visiting at Christmas. I wouldn’t have set a precedent of every year to start with.

This.

Your DC and DH need to learn to manage without you. New baby soon means you won't be as available too.

"The graveyards are full of indispensable men" quote really applies here. You are totally within your rights to not go to see your in laws. YABU for preventing you child and DH going without you. Frankly, they are going to have to get use to time together without you, due to the baby. You say they wouldn't cope/wouldn't enjoy it, well why not let them try and find out? If they don't like it they will come home after a night. You'll have slept/relaxed. No big deal. He is taking your child to see his parents, not a cult. Totally fair if they aren't your cup of tea, but your attitude here stopping their relationship with DH/DC will build major resentment (understandably).

Perhaps because her husband wants to spend Christmas with people who actually celebrate it? Rather than with someone for whom it’s just another day…

You've pretty much admitted you're using pregnancy as an excuse so I'm not sure what you want. Do you want to have a tantrum and insist you all stay home? You might aswell suck it up for the sake of 48 hours.

I’m 36 weeks pregnant and currently on my way home with DH and 3yo after visiting family three hours away. It honestly
wasn’t that bad. Did it for DH as we won’t see his family at Xmas now. Honestly it was fine. I say go for it, you can slip off and rest if you need some space and nobody will
mind you having an early night. Good luck

DH wants to go for 2 nights. Statement of fact. Nobody controlling anyone.

Your DH should definitely go with your child. It’s no good having a child so dependent on just one of you. It will be good for DC to have a busy fun weekend with dad (and with grandparents who will presumably fuss over him). Especially so when there’s a baby on the way to shake things up. Good practice for them if you need a hospital stay after the birth too. It’s not good for your marriage or for the family dynamic for one of you to be ‘parent in chief’.

My experience of 7m pg was huge bumps and painful SPD, so 3 hours of travelling and staying away from home would have been deeply uncomfortable, so that's not automatically unreasonable.

A dad should be able to take his child away for a couple of days without it being a major issue, especially by 4 years old. It's concerning that this seems to be an issue particularly with the upcoming disruption of a new baby on the horizon. It's not just the birth (with potential for complications) but the sharing of maternal time and attention and potential for baby to bring curveballs.

RIPPED APART!!! 😱

Is that why brother is such a bell end then?

If you don’t want to go, you don’t want to go.
But why would being 7 months pregnant stop you?!

You all need to grow up a bit and start being a little more independent! You are all co dependant on each other, it isn't healthy.

If child so unhappy being with her daddy for two nights then I'd use this as an ideal time for it to happen ....if it's you who will struggle....again .....it's time to let that go....child with daddy is perfectly usual

I’m happy to go away on trips throughout my pregnancy, I feel fine and have been lucky with not feeling too ill or big or uncomfortable so far.

Not sure what more needs to be said in answer to the travel question when you've stated this in earlier posts.

I think, like others, you're just not wanting to go to see your husbands family (your child's grandparents) and simply looking for excuses.

I’m just wondering how will your DC cope when you give birth to your new baby, you may need to spend a night or two in hospital depending on how things go? I think it would be healthy for your DC to go away with your DH to see your MIL for a few days. What a great break for you too to be able to do exactly as you please for those few days. You can keep in contact via phone. Once new baby comes you’ll feel like you hardly have a minute to yourself!

Gosh Op I can't help but feel you're in for a rough ride with a clingy 2 year old and a new born, you need to start teaching him it's ok to be apart for a little while, how will he manage when you go into hospital ?

Suggest they go without you and if DC struggles without you they come home early. Assuming you aren’t having a home birth with DC present they’ll be separated from you when you give birth and actually this trip will be a good practice for DH for that.

why are you having a second child with a person you don't trust to look after your other child for an afternoon

I totally understand you don't want to stay overnight at your PiL, it was a big no-no for me too. Can you tell them you are nesting and need to stay at your own place? Bribe them with an invitation for an extra day at yours (no sleepovers)? And then at your place do a nice baby-shower or something. Order in food so no fuss, go for a rest when you need it? Make it all a bit sparkly and fancy to woo them into believing you actually love having them over 😊

Of course you are allowed to say no. You don’t need mumsnet or pregnancy to back that up. Just say no you don’t want to go. The real issue here is not allowing your DH to take your child. Of course it’ll be hard and you’ll miss DC and DC will miss you but you’ll both survive. Sometimes the hardest bit of parenting is letting your child be upset and not always trying to fix it. Yes even at 4 years old!

imaging this was a man on here saying I won’t let my wife take my child away for 2 nights without me. You must see how controlling that is

YABVU.

You’re clearly using the pregnancy as an excuse, it’s entirely possible to make a 3 hour trip when 7 months pregnant. Take a break during the trip if it’s that difficult for you. I mean people spend all day at work when 9 months pregnant. May not be a walk in the park, but very doable.

But more importantly, I’m extremely concerned you seem to think that your 4yo child can’t spend a couple of days away from you, and that they’ll find it stressful. A 4yo should be perfectly capable of spending a couple of nights away with the other parent. I mean there’s plenty of parents who’ve divorced by that age. And, they can phone or video call you if needed. To be frank it sounds like the person who’d find it stressful is you, and the poor child is simply feeding off your bad parenting and controlling behaviour.

You need to support your husband's relationship with his parents. I'm sorry, pregnancy isn't an excuse.