Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

I really do not understand this thread. You are already seeing them every single month! It’s more than enough. Don’t fall into people pleasing op. It’s fine to just say no. You can meet in the middle for lunch as a compromise. You have two months left and I’m sure you have so much to do already.

I can only imagine there are lots of mils on the thread!

Pregnancy is not an illness and most people can cope with normal life at 7 months pregnant. You have said yourself you have had no complications to date. By all means don’t go if you don’t want to but don’t use your pregnancy as an excuse. Your husband has a right to see his parents and facilitate a relationships between his children and their grandparents.

Let DH take dc1. Sounds like it would be good for both of them. It will def be useful for DC to learn that Daddy is also a parent, given that there will be a baby sibling soon.

Yanbu for not wanting to go but your 4yo should be able to spend two nights without you and with their dad.

They are both parents to their child.

If he would like to visit his parents in their home once a year with his child he should be free to do so (barring abuse etc).

Im not a MIL and discounting every opinion on this thread in that way isn’t particularly helpful.

Agree these sound like the two reasonable choices, rather than not refusing to go and refusing to let your DH take your DC with him. Can you make other plans for while they're away to take your mind off it?

It’s not about derailing. The issues are inextricably interlinked so we can’t ignore it . Pp have rightly highlighted that if your son can’t be with just his Dad for a couple of nights there’s a far bigger problem and it also begs the question how will he cope when you’re in hospital?

And if he will cope when you’re in hospital then why can’t he manage a weekend away with his Dad atyour ILs? This very much affects how we respond to the AIBU.

Why aren’t you addressing this issue?

My niece was a clingy toddler but at 4 years old she was able to spend a couple of nights with her gran and aunty. My goddaughter another clingy one was able to spend a few nights with me at age 4/5. The fact your child will be with his actual Dad and still not able to cope suggests something is wrong.

I know every kid is different but it looks like you have a bigger problem on your hands here than a rude MIL, and you and your husband need to work to sort this out so your child has a good enough relationship with his Dad to be able to spend a short period of time away with just him.

So you don’t like them and don’t want to go, and are looking for reasons that make this ok without you coming out looking like the bad guy.

I suggest you suck it up and go public that you don’t want your husband to have a relationship with his family because it is a bit on an inconvenience to you. To be fair, it sounds like you aren’t that keen on your DH having a relationship with his own kids, so you might want to reassess a bit there too. At least it’s honest.

YABU (and frankly ridiculous) to not just let DH and DC go without you

YANBU to not want to go

Or mothers of sons hoping that their son doesn’t end up marrying someone like the OP.

You're not unreasonable to not want to go. However, your husband should go with your child. Unless there is something more going on dad and 4yo should cope and this might be a good opportunity to practise.

If he is refusing to take 4yo then he can go by himself. If you're uncomfortable with him taking the 4yo then I think you should go and suck it up for one weekend a year.

She sounds great, she sees her in laws every month - which is more than most, what
more do they want?! Overbearing

Why are people focusing on seeing the in laws once a month or so is enough and the in laws shouldn’t be so demanding. It’s the DH who wants to go to see his parents with his child. That’s perfectly reasonable. There is nothing to suggest the in-laws are pushing for the visit at all.

The OP wants to deny her husband the right to see his parents with his child for two months because she doesn’t like his parents (which is fine, she doesn’t need to). The issue is that she is pretending she can’t go because she is pregnant. She’s lying; she just doesn’t want to go and by not going is denying her DH the ability to go because she won’t let him take their child.

I don’t think this was his idea at all…..

First line of the OP: DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents

It is about time dh and dc work out how to spend time together.
You might be in hospital for extended time with new baby.
You might be sick. Etc.
High time dc and dh learn to get along and cope for two days without you
This is ideal time for them to work it out
Let them get on with it and have a great dad and child time

Forget the in laws, this is a massive massive problem if you are about to have another baby. Your DH needs to invest a LOT of time with DC1, without you, before the baby comes. Having as much fun as they can, and DH becoming confident looking after DC1. As things stand, what’s happens if you are hospitalised for any length of time after the baby is born?

And even if the labour goes well, your baby might need to go to hospital overnight and you’ll have to go as well if you are breastfeeding.

It always saddens me the number of women who have children with a man that they don’t trust to look after their children despite the fact that they chose to have them with him.

This.
You should all go. Your in-laws won't be seeing your children at Christmas. You need to compromise, they are your husband's parents.
A 3 hour trip where you are unlikely to be driving

YANBU

Why can’t DH go on his own if he wants to see her?

It’s the DH who wants to go with his DC but the OP is blocking it because she wouldn’t feel happy away from her DC (until she gives birth, because they it’s fine) so she is stopping everyone from going.

To be fair…you can’t have it both ways. Either you go, or DH and DC goes. If you’re about to have a baby your DC is going to need to be able to not be attached to you.

You’re being very unreasonable. You only travel to them once a year? That’s nothing. Suck it up. Or let him take the child and go without you, the kid is 4, you’ll soon have a newborn and your husband will have to do more with the eldest anyway. Maybe look into the train if you don’t want to drive.

Why are you calling him your "H" when he is obviously your sergeant major

FFS - he can request as much as he likes, but you can request he grows a par and suggests meeting halfway