Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

I understand you not wanting to go, but I don't think being 7 months pregnant is really an excuse to not go.

I think your child is the bigger issue. At 4 they should be able to spend time with their other parent without drama. And at some point they're going to have to do so as they can't be attached to you forever. So I'd be more inclined to push that and have your husband go with your child.

The issue isn't pregnancy, it's the fact that you don't have a good relationship with MIL and don't want to go, which is fine. Are you asking if that is a reasonable excuse for not going in the eyes of MIL?

He's also allowed to stay with his parents once a year. He doesn't need to grow a pair.

I think you are being unreasonable really @amaliabnt . Either go, or don't object to DH taking DC, it would be good for them. To not do either is unreasonable.

It sounds like you wouldn't host MIL overnight either, so im not sure what your DH is supposed to do.

She had a tantrum that you didn't breastfeed your own child as long as she would have liked?

She joked about "stealing" your baby?

Both are unacceptable and I wouldn't tolerate this person at all or really want them in my space and in my life.

I think you are being unreasonable and difficult in that you wont go AND wont facilitate your dd going either. As you say, you don't want to go, if it was elsewhere, you'd go. Fair enough but then I believe you should work with dh to facilitate him going on his own with dd.

Exactly this.

It's 3 hours hardly a lot ? You could stop half way for a cuppa.

Other option is to let ds go with dh he'll be fine, it's his dad !

Can't have it all ways.

and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me

With another baby on the way, it’s time for DC1 to get a bit more used to being cared for by Daddy and to being away from you for a short period of time. Great preparation for the birth and time immediately after. Actively encourage your DH and DC to go without you and make it sound like an exciting, positive trip for your child.

Her husband wants to visit his parents in his home, with his child. Which he should be able to do.

I say this very kindly but I think the bigger problem is your 4yr old not happy spending time with his Dad or is it Dad not wanting to? What happens if you’re ill or unable to look after him?

I think the oddest thing is the DC not being able to be with their father without their mother for a couple of nights. Especially as the OP then says it’s fine to be away from her DC whilst she’s in hospital - who is looking after the DC then?

The obvious answer here would be for DH and Dc to go without the OP, although I notice that the DH doesn’t want to go with just DC (weirdest thing of all!).

From a physical point of view, if your pregnancy is a normal one then the travelling is not a problem.

It is clear that you don't want to go - I am sure your reasons are good ones - but there is a case for getting it over with before Christmas so you can relax over the festive period and enjoy your new baby together.

I’d do it for my husband. He clearly wants to go and see his parents and that’s really understandable. They might be annoying in laws (as many are!) but they are the only ones he has. Don’t make it a them or me situation. It doesn’t sound like it happens often and you already aren’t going for Christmas.

That spells trouble with a new baby coming. It's also pretty sad.

You’ll be 7 months not 9 and it’s not that far.

Agreed. I think this is a real problem. And a perfect opportunity to address it. He can go for with your 4 year old and if there is a massive issue come home after one night only, although I'm sure it will be fine. He's their dad! Presumably he takes them out for day trips without you sometimes.

I think the pregnancy is a red herring. 3 hours is no distance when 7 months pregnant. But if she is foul to you that's a different matter - then you decide whether you suck it up/stand up to her for your husband and child's sake, or go low contact.

Why can't they come to you ?

You do not have to go.
No problem with you making g your decision about travelling.

But saying your dh and dc cannot spend two days away from you is very unreasonable.

They need to take this time to learn to get along with each other.

Honestly, I think you should let your husband take your son to see his parents for a couple of nights.

They do. But OP’s husband wants to visit them in their own home and stay for a couple of nights.

True, the in-laws will miss their company at Christmas. Ordinarily, however, they get it every year, which is an ununsual circumstance in most families where all the parents are still alive and in contact.

This is not a precedent I'd be keen to continue no matter how well I got on with my in-laws. Young families with children deserve the space to celebrate Christmas with each other, rather than travelling around to fulfil obligations which at least some parties might consider more a duty or chore than a pleasure. This is unfair to everyone. By all means it's sometimes necessary to bury our own feelings 'for DH's sake' - but if it's always one party doing this and their own sake isn't considered in return, it becomes a one-sided exercise.

A compromise is needed - and compromise does not mean ceding over your own will to others' on a constant basis. DC is with their father and he has parental responsibility. The child is safe with him and will have to get used to being without mum at school soon enough. The other compromise is to go on this occasion and suck it up, but setting a new precedent for Christmas from this point on.

OP doesn't need an 'excuse' not to spend time with people whose company she finds difficult. 'I don't want to' is reason enough. But decisions carry consequences, so you'll need to ensure, OP, that you're willing to accept these. Give something back, but don't always be the one having to make sacrifices: this is far too often the case with women.

As for accepting a difference of opinion, this is also immaterial. OP and her DH are the parents: it's really none of her business how long you breastfeed. Practising the skill of 'grey rock' here can be helpful: you'll get to a place where you let this wash over you and if she doesn't see any form of reaction she will likely stop.

Hope you find that you can reach a sensible compromise and tread the balance in the future. Your children deserve to have a relationship with their grandparents and it's fine for your DH to facilitate that - if necessary without your presence.

I agree with others that it’s odd for your husband to not want to take your child alone.

it’s not even like he’s solely responsible, the in laws will be there. He barely he has to do anything, his workload is a third of what it should be!

Also, yes, it’s understandable not to want to visit ILs you don’t like but pregnancy has nothing to do with it. Child should see the grandparents with or without you.

"my DH simply wouldn’t go with DC without me. It would be a nightmare, they’d both hate it"

I think the visit is the least if your worries.
Clingy 4 yo and useless husband. That needs to be addressed asap

OP, in your initial post you said that your husband couldn't take your 4yo alone because 4yo would be upset without you and you would be stressed because of this. You have since said both your husband and child would hate it. Have you actually discussed the prospect of your husband taking 4yo alone with your husband?

When I had my second, it took ages to get him to sleep and I was bf. The oldest always wanted me to put him to bed, so we had to develop a whole routine with a "special bed" (putting the mattress on the floor!) which only Daddy could do. This was even though eldest had spent nights without me before. As others have said, think of this as getting your 4yo ready for their new baby sibling, whose arrival will mean you can't always be at their beck and call.