DS got engaged and never told me

[Mumsier]

My eldest DS is 26, he's been with his partner for 2.5 years, they live together, she is lovely. I see DS about twice a year, call about once a month and we have a family group chat active most days.
2 weeks ago DS and his gf went to Portugal (where she is from) on holiday, they sent loads of pics in the group chat.
Today while I was doing the shopping I ran into the mum of DS's childhood best friend, we chatted and she said "you must be over the moon at the news" I had no idea what she was talking about which was very embarrassing and then she told me that her DS had mentioned my DS and his partner were engaged.
I've messaged DS about it now, but no reply (only messaged an hour ago and I know they are meeting up with friends and going to a gig tonight). DH also didn't know, nor did DS2 or DD.

AIBU to be really hurt and confused by this? He never uses his social media and his partner doesn't have any of our family on hers, so there was no way for us to have found out incidentally.

Have you seen him since he got back from holiday?

No but we won't see him until January now as they are doing Christmas with her family and like I said we only see him about twice a year.

I’m just thinking is it possible he wants to tell
you in person? I had a friend get engaged who told me before she told her mother as she was planning to drive up to visit her that weekend (couple of hours away) to tell her in person.

It's poor he didn't want to share this happy news with you and you had to find out from a random. I'd tell him I was upset to find out like that. Might make him think a bit more next time.

If not YANBU!

You're obviously not close to your ds and so this might be the reason he has not got around to telling you yet.

YANBU. I would be really hurt by that too.

No matter what anyone tries to pretend yes it's very odd that he didn't tell anyone in his immediate family that he was engaged.

I wouldn't say we aren't close, he lives in London, we live in Aberdeen its hardly just around the corner, and like I said the family group chat is active most days, he calls once a month.

I think they’ve saving the news for a Big Announcement, maybe when they have the rings, to tell you in person etc.

Probably ds had discussed it with friend prior to the event, and friend had blagged to his mother.

Who is in the family group chat? Do you actually have conversations or is it just posting memes? Dies he actually post updates about his life? I think a call once a month is really low contact, to be honest, so no, it doesn't sound that close.

Yes that what I’d be hoping too. Probably didn’t think the friend would tell his mam or that it would get back to you.

We all chat a lot in the group chat, life updates, memes, holiday pics, rants about work etc. To me one call a month is very normal for an adult child who has a social life etc.

Yes I think it hurtful he hasn’t told you but his friends seem to know.

Twelve phone calls a year and two meetups is not close, is it?

It's about what I used to have with a parent who I'm now estranged from.
However, you seem fine with it, so whatever works for you both, I suppose.

Maybe he's waiting to tell you when they have the wedding booked.

I don't know it's the same amount I see my DS who lives in Edinburgh, I see DD more as she is local but we don't call more. Both meet ups are a week in length, one where we visit him and one where they visit us.

@Mumsier I’m very close to my daughter. She lives in a different country. We have a FaceTime call once every 5-6 weeks, meet up once a year, chat on and off by text. I agree with you - it’s within the realms of ‘normal’ contact in my family, too.
Saying that, she rang me unexpectedly to tell me she’d got engaged. I’d be hurt if I’d found out the way that you did.

Is it possible the other mum has got the wrong end of the stick? The wrong friend or your ds is thinking about proposing?

I'd be very hurt...wait and see what he says though...let's hope it's because he wanted to do a big announcement

Derailing thread, but how is a woman known to OP a "random" human being? I honestly don't understand how the meaning of this word has changed so much recently!

I don't phone my son very often but we do text. He's just not very "phoney" person and I think he's just tired by the end of the day. We are still very close and get on very well when he is around. He's in London, I'm in Edinburgh. My daughter is about 20 minutes away. We text a few times a week and she calls every week or so if we haven't seen each other for a while. She occasionally pops in on her way from work. You don't have to be calling all the time to be close as long as there is some communication.
I do wonder if OPs son wants to tell her in person and someone else has let the cat out of the bag.

Yanbu at all, i am so sorry

I would be wanting to find out what the issue is. Is he upset with you? A phone call once a month isnt enough imo either

I definitely wouldnt say anything to her, but the fiance should've told him to contact you, or tried to contact you herself?!

There's something not right here, op, i would be trying to find out what it is xx

That’s incredibly hurtful op. You shouldn’t have had to find out through someone else like that. I would be upset.

Then presumably he will not be expecting engagement or even wedding gifts from his mother if she isn't worth a phone call.

Could he maybe have discussed that it is something he was going to do in the future with his friend and it hasn’t actually happened yet