DS got engaged and never told me

[Mumsier]

My eldest DS is 26, he's been with his partner for 2.5 years, they live together, she is lovely. I see DS about twice a year, call about once a month and we have a family group chat active most days.
2 weeks ago DS and his gf went to Portugal (where she is from) on holiday, they sent loads of pics in the group chat.
Today while I was doing the shopping I ran into the mum of DS's childhood best friend, we chatted and she said "you must be over the moon at the news" I had no idea what she was talking about which was very embarrassing and then she told me that her DS had mentioned my DS and his partner were engaged.
I've messaged DS about it now, but no reply (only messaged an hour ago and I know they are meeting up with friends and going to a gig tonight). DH also didn't know, nor did DS2 or DD.

AIBU to be really hurt and confused by this? He never uses his social media and his partner doesn't have any of our family on hers, so there was no way for us to have found out incidentally.

How is he aware you know if you haven't spoken?

Alls well that ends well. Glad you have a broad enough back to deal with all the nasty comments about your failings in the closeness department !

Your degree of contact is entirely normal for male children of that age. Ignore those saying otherwise.

And yes, it is disappointing that he didn’t tell you straight away. But it doesn’t sound like he’s the overly communicative type. Don’t judge him for it. It’ll only make things worse.

One call a month is really not a lot OP. None of my three adult children live near me but we all WhatsApp every day and phone chat weekly. Sorry that you heard their news second hand — maybe the news bearer had the wrong end of the stick?

Some posters need to read the OP’s updates. Also they do seem to chat more than once a month, but the monthly chat is a long chat

Oh god ignore all the “but you’re not very close” comments and don’t justify anything as you obviously do what works for your family and young people hate phone calls these days. Enjoy their visit and the celebrations!

You say you have frequent group chats. So I have no idea why he didnt tell you then.
I dont blame you for being upset. I would be so hurt.
But you dont seem very close. I text my daughters all the time and am in constant touch.
Maybe different with sons.

Read the OP.

He didn’t witter on about it in chat because they had planned a surprise visit to the OP for their anniversary and wanted to tell them in person. A friend who spotted the ring let the cat out of the bag early.

But yes, obviously if they are not wittering endlessly in chat they can’t be close. Just close enough to take the trouble to plan and travel for a surprise visit to tell the OP in person.

Well thanks for update. I never read this when I posted and apparantly lots of other people never read about surprise visit.
So she has no reason to be upset then.

You sound like you have a lovely family. Don’t worry about people analysing how many times you call, ours are o/s and with different time zones and different work commitments, I just use messenger and DH texts..

@Mumsier Glad it has all worked out!

I’m surprised at the amount of comments about you not being very close…. every family is different. Closeness is not measured on regularity/duration of contact alone. Quality matters.

I was thinking maybe he was not one for fuss and was going to tell you once settled back from holiday. But he had a nicer plan! How lovely!

I’m glad it all got resolved and it sounds like you have a lovely close and respectful relationship with your son.

I would love to understand why someone only calls their child once a month, I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I'm genuinely interested. As a person who speaks to her own parents daily , I'll never ever understand why a mum only calls once a month. If you are wondering why he hasn't told you , this could be it. If he feels you only think about him once a month , maybe he feels disconnected from you.

Because "some people don't like phone calls" for whatever reason.

Because phone calls are not the only way to stay in touch with people. It really is quite simple.

Also please read the thread the OP explained why he didn't tell her days ago.

@Dogmum6 as someone who wants to feel superior about her communication skills you are crap at reading posts.

Do you have DC? Will you expect them to call you daily? I have DC at university. I do not expect daily phone calls. We try and do weekly FaceTime call but they are busy and if we miss one that is fine. We have family WhatsApp so generally send a daily message but again are not expecting War and Peace back! I want DC to be out enjoying their lives not calling me everyday.

Either he wants to tell you in person
or you don’t think the mum of the friend got the wrong friend do you.

like say the friend said to his mum “my friend Josh has got engaged” and she’s got your Josh mixed up with another Josh

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5418580-ds-got-engaged-and-never-told-me?postsby=Mumsier

To save any more posters cancelling the cheque.