DS got engaged and never told me

[Mumsier]

My eldest DS is 26, he's been with his partner for 2.5 years, they live together, she is lovely. I see DS about twice a year, call about once a month and we have a family group chat active most days.
2 weeks ago DS and his gf went to Portugal (where she is from) on holiday, they sent loads of pics in the group chat.
Today while I was doing the shopping I ran into the mum of DS's childhood best friend, we chatted and she said "you must be over the moon at the news" I had no idea what she was talking about which was very embarrassing and then she told me that her DS had mentioned my DS and his partner were engaged.
I've messaged DS about it now, but no reply (only messaged an hour ago and I know they are meeting up with friends and going to a gig tonight). DH also didn't know, nor did DS2 or DD.

AIBU to be really hurt and confused by this? He never uses his social media and his partner doesn't have any of our family on hers, so there was no way for us to have found out incidentally.

😂

I never call my DC and they never call me. All of us prefer messaging, usually via the family WhatsApp but sometimes individually. It's really quite a normal way to keep in touch.

He did seem quite upset but has since sent the group chat a picture of the ring and joked that we have no excuse not to have fresh bedding on in his room and some of his fave snacks in the cupboard now!

Hooray! I’m glad I was right.

So there was an innocent explanation, and he had planned a BIg Reveal.

That's about the amount of contact we have with DS and I love him to bits. He lives a 5 hour drive away but doesn't have a car. He works FT as do I.

He doesn't phone that often, but when we do talk he is usually on the phone for 2 -3 hours.

He might not actually be engaged.
Friend of friend’s mum sounds like she wound you up on purpose.
Bafflingly, most young people today get engaged and THEN months later they do the proposal, the ring, the public engagement.
Perhaps he and gf have only decided to get engaged and are planning a big proposal at the next family event.

As in, friend of friend’s mum thought she would spoil what is meant to be a lovely surprise.

Editing to add I should have read the thread, but satisfyingly I was right about a big proposal being planned as a surprise for all

I think it says a lot about your relationship that you turned to mumsnet before speaking to your son. If your relationship was good, you would have known it was something like it turned out to be.

Does anyone remember a similar thread about a son who, iirc, was in Australia when he got engaged and the mum somehow got to hear about it before he told her?

Sons, take note, you really need to either tell your mum straight away or get a lot better at keeping things quiet

I knew this would be what happened! Yay.

And ignore all the extroverts saying the frequency of phone calls determines the closeness of a relationship. Everyone's different.

I would think he's asked his best friend to be best man; I don't think there's anything 'dodgy' going on.

It's nonetheless galling that his best friend has shared the news with his mum while OP is still waiting.

Ah sorry OP - should have read the updates. I'm really pleased it's sorted.

Happy Anniversary - have a great celebration!

Glad that’s all been cleared up and it was nothing negative op! Hopefully you can all enjoy the celebrations next weekend together now!

Why would you say something like this to someone who is feeling hurt and upset?

Ah I'm pleased it was nothing horrible. My cousin got married and kept her marriage a secret for 11 years and only told her mum when she was pregnant with their first child. They are very close but she just preferred not to tell anyone. 🤣 I could see myself doing something like this because I just keep everything to myself.

I’m glad it’s worked out well OP, I think you’ve had a hard time with the level of contact you have. Adults have lives, I think the WhatsApp group sounds great and calls not too bad.

Congrats on both counts! I hope you have a lovely time.

And ignore all the extroverts saying the frequency of phone calls determines the closeness of a relationship.

exactly.

I was sure it would be something like it was OP. Glad that it's all been resolved but your DS's friend and his mum certainly need to learn some tact!!

Was her family there at the engagement?

Yes! I would say I'm close to my family but we don't talk much at all. It's lovely when we do though.

It is! Calls mean nothing. My friend speaks to his mother daily out of duty, they are not close

OP, a great outcome.

I have 2 DDs in their mid-20s. Both are now working around 180-220 miles from home. We don't speak that often on the phone but we message by text or WA a couple of times per week. When Bake Off is on, DD2 messages throughout the show. I messaged DD1 several times this week as we are trying to organise a meet-up and she rang me this afternoon as it worked for her. DD2 works shifts, so messaging means she can reply when it's convenient. I don't want or need them to call me every day. They and I are independent adults. If they need me, they know where I am.

I do know one deeply irritating person whose son married and only told her after the event. I don't blame him but what a nightmare to have to marry without your mum there because she's so annoying!

This place is mental sometimes. My children are still children so no experience of adult children yet. However I speak to my mum pretty much everyday, and see her 2-3 times a week. I can't imagine only speaking to her once a month.

BUT that is me, everyone is different, and what 'close' is will be different for everyone. The OPs definition of close isn't mine, but they feel close and are happy with the amount of contact so who is anyone on here to say they aren't close??

And honestly I would expect any person I had almost daily contact with in a group chat and monthly conversations with to tell me if they got engaged! Seriously!

The only real reason not to has turned out to be the truth, the had planned an announcement. I'm glad it has worked out OP.

Fair play to them, my husband had barely got up off one knee and I said we have to tell my mum 😂

I’m glad it’s all cleared up. I was thinking he probably just wanted to tell you in person. Poor lad!

Oops I didn’t see your update!

Glad it's all sorted! And congratulations to your son and his STB-DW!
As far as the phone call thing is concerned, I'm with you OP. I see my dad every few months, usually when work takes me to his locality. We have a family group chat where we chip in every few days. We never ever speak on the phone! And he's a great father, we're close and I love him very much. Different strokes etc!