DS got engaged and never told me

[Mumsier]

My eldest DS is 26, he's been with his partner for 2.5 years, they live together, she is lovely. I see DS about twice a year, call about once a month and we have a family group chat active most days.
2 weeks ago DS and his gf went to Portugal (where she is from) on holiday, they sent loads of pics in the group chat.
Today while I was doing the shopping I ran into the mum of DS's childhood best friend, we chatted and she said "you must be over the moon at the news" I had no idea what she was talking about which was very embarrassing and then she told me that her DS had mentioned my DS and his partner were engaged.
I've messaged DS about it now, but no reply (only messaged an hour ago and I know they are meeting up with friends and going to a gig tonight). DH also didn't know, nor did DS2 or DD.

AIBU to be really hurt and confused by this? He never uses his social media and his partner doesn't have any of our family on hers, so there was no way for us to have found out incidentally.

Perhaps his best friend is wrong?

The most likely scenario is he told his best friend before he went on holiday he wanted to propose and the friend checked up on him afterwards, or perhaps even assumed it happened when it didn't.

I wouldn't say a childhood best friend finding out before parents is necessarily a terrible thing. Especially given his brother has just had a break up and your due a family call. There's no indication he's told everyone, and he's probably waiting on the family call to announce the news.

When me and DH got engaged we didn't tell anyone for a couple of weeks as we enjoyed it just being us two, and we were chosing a ring together so were waiting on that. One of DHs friends knew he was going to propose before my parents found out, and one of my friends as they saw us ring sshopping. We are quite private people, is your DS normal quick to share news?

For what feels like the 50th time speaking to someone frequently is not the only way to ensure a close relationship. The OP has not said anything to indicate that her and her son are not close so I'm not sure why people are continuing to make the point with such confidence.

Sometimes families with awful dynamics have lots of contact with one another
My SIL sees and calls her mum a lot and they are heavily enmeshed- I wouldn't want that for me and my daughter
Conversely, my mum and I speak less than once a month, so you're doing pretty well, op!

My guess is that he wanted to tell the entire family at the same time and his friend has blown it by blabbing to his Mum!

It’s understandable though, his friend presumed that your DS would tell his family first and had no idea that this wasn’t the case.

No point dwelling on it @Mumsier, let your DS get in touch and be ready to congratulate them. Ultimately, it’s wonderful news, isn’t it!

I expect that your DS will learn a life lesson from this- that once you share something, news travels fast!

All is good, he called me and said that they are coming up next weekend for our 30th wedding anniversary as a surprise and they were planning to tell us then as it felt apt, he hadn’t considered that his friend might blab and his friend only knows as they had met up for drinks when they got back from Portugal with his partner and she was wearing the ring. He seemed genuinely upset that it had gotten out before he could tell us and says they deliberately hadn’t posted it anywhere on socials or told anyone who hadn’t seen the ring to avoid it.

I have a 23 year old son. I speak to him at least 3 times a week and text daily. To me that’s more normal. He speaks to his grandparents more than once a month

@Mumsier - phew!! That's a relief! Good news!

Jeez, that sounds so overbearing!!

I'm pleased to hear they hadn't deliberately chosen to keep you all in the dark and hopefully you will have a nice time together next weekend.

In the meantime obviously you need to instigate daily phone calls to improve your relationship or risk not being invited to the wedding.

I knew there was an explanation!

Congratulations to you both, next weekend will be a double celebration! 🎉

I’d try not to over think until you speak to him there’s a few potential reasons-

1, friend got wrong end of stick
2, he wanted to tell you in a specific way and friend has accidentally spoilt it
3, it’s not that big a deal to him/chilled about it so thought he would just mention it ext time he rings

from what you describe it’s highly unlikely you have been spurned so whatever this is it’s accidental.

Everyone is different. I speak to my DM once a month and would say we are closer in many ways than my DP is to his DM and DF who he sees once a fortnight and speak to almost daily. Sounds like you and your son have a relationship that works well for you OP and it’s lovely that he wants to celebrate a special anniversary with you. Have a terrific joint celebration!

It’s also possible that there’s a miscommunication and they are planning to get engaged but haven’t actually done it yet.

I don't think that's fair or accurate. Maybe he was waiting to announce it but he told his mate who told his mum who then told his mum by chance.
Let it go OP.

@Yadsevet Some young adults need more parental contact than others. The OP’s son is in a serious relationship and his fiancée will be his primary person for emotional support, etc.

I met my DH around the same age as the OP’s son did, and I rang my parents once a week in the pre-texting era. My DD (20) isn’t in a serious relationship - we text a few times a week and she calls when she feels like it. I know that’ll change when she has a serious partner.

Read your fab update OP.
Happy times ahead. Enjoy the occasion.

great news!! Too bad your son’s plan didn’t work out… but you get to see them next week and celebrate together. That’s lovely!

The very existence of this thread indicates that they aren’t close.

If you’re tired of repeating yourself, you’re free to stop. Nobody is making you say anything 50 times. ‘Tis a choice.

@Yadsevet
But why even post how very much you contact your son? What do you want from that- to make the OP feel a bit shit?
It says a lot about you and, honestly, it's not the flex you think

I presume you'll come back and apologise for being so certain about their relationship once you've read the update?

I’m so glad that it’s all ended well and that you weren’t being kept in the dark on purpose.

You’ll have a lovely meet up for you Anniversary and can all celebrate together.

What’s good for the goose isn’t always good for the gander. Everyone is different and wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same. Yet so many people on this thread were quick to come to the assumption that relations weren’t all they should be because you’re not in contact every day/week. What is normal for one isn’t normal for someone else. Isn’t it better to let these things go and live and let live than to get so strung up when someone doesn’t do things as you would. Mumsnet at it’s finest!!

The above wasn’t for you Op, but for all those who told you you’re wrong.

Oh that’s a shame his friend blabbed but he sounds lovely to want to surprise you on your anniversary (how thoughtful). Glad it’s sorted usually there is always a good reason behind every story. You will be able to have a double celebration now how wonderful.

I’ve read the update and I still don’t think they’re close, so no. I’m pleased OP got a resolution with which she’s happy, though.

But, I hope you’ll enjoy asking people that question for what feels like 50 times.

You aren’t remotely close to your son op

and this is the upshot of a remote relationship 🤷‍♀️

Ohhhh, your poor DS - that must be gutting for him! But really glad it wasn’t anything more sinister. I didn’t get any vibes from your posts that you weren't close to your son, just sounds like you’ve found a way of communicating and seeing each other that works for your family. Congratulations on your son’s upcoming nuptials - time to buy a hat!