DS got engaged and never told me

[Mumsier]

My eldest DS is 26, he's been with his partner for 2.5 years, they live together, she is lovely. I see DS about twice a year, call about once a month and we have a family group chat active most days.
2 weeks ago DS and his gf went to Portugal (where she is from) on holiday, they sent loads of pics in the group chat.
Today while I was doing the shopping I ran into the mum of DS's childhood best friend, we chatted and she said "you must be over the moon at the news" I had no idea what she was talking about which was very embarrassing and then she told me that her DS had mentioned my DS and his partner were engaged.
I've messaged DS about it now, but no reply (only messaged an hour ago and I know they are meeting up with friends and going to a gig tonight). DH also didn't know, nor did DS2 or DD.

AIBU to be really hurt and confused by this? He never uses his social media and his partner doesn't have any of our family on hers, so there was no way for us to have found out incidentally.

I’m actually with you OP on the contact thing.

I message my parents sporadically, roughly 1-2 times a week, call even less frequently, and see each other 2 times a year. They are in Scotland and I’m in the south of England.

Do we all miss each other? Of course we do but we are all adults with our own lives and this is what works for us. We are close, but not in a way that everyone else understands because we are not in each others pocket!

@Shr3dding I'm glad to be wrong!
But a perspective worth considering - my point was it might not be about his relationship with the OP and she shouldn't be offended; it could be to do with how he feels about it.

And thankfully not my experiences, mostly from what I've read on mn 😆

Such a shame you bumped into his friends mum.

I’m sure you will have a lovely time celebrating though.

I think lots of the people commenting probably don’t have DC your sons age.

Our eldest moved out to live up north with her BF and sometimes she rings or FaceTimes every day and sometimes it’s once a week. We still text on the GC everyday. And visits are limited due to distance and work. DD still comes for Christmas as long as she can get a few days off work due to it being their busiest time. She came in the summer for her sister’s 18th birthday celebrations and they stayed as long as they could get off from work.

Unfortunately it’s too long of a drive for a day visit and with smaller children and school it’s not doable very often.

I’m glad my dd is out living her life and actually living and not worried about how many times she calls or visits us. Would I have thought this when she was small? Absolutely not 🤣.

I think your family life sounds completely normal.

@NorthernLass2025 do you have lives outside your family? How do you fit in in-laws, friends, hobbies? If you have DC how do you fit in their activities etc if you are forever traipsing around meeting up with your family? What would happen if one family member went rogue and decided they want less contact? If you went to university did you have same contact? If you have DC who are at uni/left home do you expect same contact levels?

What part of the “everyone is different” memo did you not receive?

Then we wouldn’t have the need for Munsnet now would we.

Well we value family and our connection to each other.

Anyway it's beside the point, we should be congratulating OP's DS.

A call once a month is surprising. I’m a grown adult with kids of my own who have a very busy social life playing sports most weekends. We live a couple of hours away from my parents and still call once a week for a quick chat and visit every 6-8weeks.

Op values her family and vice versa too. They just do it differently and you know what - that’s ok.

Yes - you should be congratulating OP’s son on his engagement. That’s the main focus here. Not the frequency of family get together or calls.

@Obeseandashamed agrees with me that the infrequency is surprising. I feel that there's no new things to add to the thread since OP told us her DS wanted to suprise her with the news. We should just be happy for him.

Bloody hell I can't believe all the people that are saying she isn't close to her son because they only speak on the phone once a month. My husband speaks to his parents on the phone on their birthdays. We live a 20 minute drive away 😂Like the OP there is family group chat and everyone gets their info and contact via that.

Yes - you keep on saying we should congratulate and be happy for Ops son, and you know what, I did that way before your original post.

what I don’t understand is why you are stubbornly disregarding the fact that everyone is different and does things differently and that’s ok. Just because you do something one way doesn’t mean that everyone should. Or do you think you are the oracle and we all need to obide by your rules of family life? Some people may find the way you do things too suffocating, but that’s your way and that’s ok.

You see your DS (who lives in the same country) twice a YEAR?? Do you make an effort to see him ?

How was it growing up for him? Did you and his dad provide well? Did you see him as a burden and told people you couldn’t wait for him to leave so you can be free? Did you support him through difficult times? Did you look after him (financially or otherwise) until HE felt ready to leave the nest?

I don’t mean to offend you, apologies if these questions sound rude. But everything adds up, my parents provided well, but they massively favoured my brother and they abandoned me as soon as I got a job. When I got married, it’s like I died! My brother too got a job and got married. They help him financially, look after his children etc.

Please look at your behaviour while he was growing up and now (esp relative to your other children) objectively and honestly.

@LadyGillingham have you actually read any of the OP’s posts?

I know!! Talk about projecting.

OMG!!!!!

Read all of Ops posts and then you’ll realise that your post is completely off the mark 😂

Pleased to see your update. So many ridiculous responses on here, everyone projecting their own circumstances upon yours. Congrats on your anniversary and to your DS and his fiancée.

Wow. If I was calling my mum every day or every week I would feel so stifled. I do feel close to my family.
We have a WhatsApp group we all write in with activity there most days. I WhatsApp her individually also when necessary. I probably call her maybe 4 times a year and see her 2-3 times a year (different countries) but I still feel that I know her better than my husband who does the duty call every week to his parents and we visit every 6-8 weeks.
But then I hate calling! Even when I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years we probably only called some 6 times! And that has turned into a 20+ year relationship and kids (and still going strong).

Some of us prefer written asynchronous communication where both sides can be relaxed about replying when and how fits them than being tied to the conversation…just as if you were living together and flowing in and out of contact in the same house. Feels more natural to me but hey clearly I don’t know anything.

Haven’t RTFT.

Interesting that calling once a month is considered close. I call my family roughly once a month and see them 1-2 times a year, and we’re definitely not close!

But every family is different.

Maybe you should have read the thread. It seems odd to comment without doing so.

Such a shame you bumped into his friends mum!!

Hope you have a great celebration with all your family 😊💐

Not really, it’s quite a long thread!

I am just musing how I don’t usually see the level of contact I have with my own family referred to as “being close”, and it certainly doesn’t apply in my case. 🙃

Do you have contact in between? On whatsapp or in other ways? The OP isn't saying the ONLY contact is once a month and 2 visits. There is nearly daily contact in the middle by text/whatsapp and ad hoc calls when needed. Do you also do that?

Yes, we have a family whatsapp group with daily messages too.

I guess my definition of close would be like DP who speaks to his parents every day, sees them all the time and does things like go on fishing trips with his dad and to art galleries with his mum on a semi-regular basis. He’s going on holiday with me in late November and it will be the first time in his 30+ years that he’s missing Thanksgiving with his parents.

One approach isn’t better than the other. We can’t all be close to our parents - some of us have very good reasons for keeping them at arm’s length!

Such a shame he had planned to tell you in person and someone ruined the surprise! At least now you are not wondering why he didn't tell you.