DS got engaged and never told me

[Mumsier]

My eldest DS is 26, he's been with his partner for 2.5 years, they live together, she is lovely. I see DS about twice a year, call about once a month and we have a family group chat active most days.
2 weeks ago DS and his gf went to Portugal (where she is from) on holiday, they sent loads of pics in the group chat.
Today while I was doing the shopping I ran into the mum of DS's childhood best friend, we chatted and she said "you must be over the moon at the news" I had no idea what she was talking about which was very embarrassing and then she told me that her DS had mentioned my DS and his partner were engaged.
I've messaged DS about it now, but no reply (only messaged an hour ago and I know they are meeting up with friends and going to a gig tonight). DH also didn't know, nor did DS2 or DD.

AIBU to be really hurt and confused by this? He never uses his social media and his partner doesn't have any of our family on hers, so there was no way for us to have found out incidentally.

Maybe marriage isn’t a big deal for them and they’re doing it so she can stay in the UK (if she’s Portuguese) or he can move to her country? An administrative necessity rather than a big life event for them. He could’ve just mentioned it in passing to the friend

Wow a lot negative assumptions on this thread!! The quality of a relationship has nothing to do with volume of phone calls. I know people who call their parents once a week out of duty and they absolutely dread it. Anyway I would also be hurt but I can see how it might happen and I think you should call him later today - it needs a proper conversation not a text.

It is possible they are waiting for a family group call, DD was on holiday this last week and DS2 is going through a break-up so they might also be waiting for that to have settled a little so its not as raw.

Another one here who thinks you can't be all that close (sorry).

I speak to my mum about once a month. We're not close. She might think we are though, judging by this thread! I also got married without telling her first. But that's because we're not close...

I think relative to the level of contact his not telling you is a lot less weird than if you spoke daily and spent time together regularly.

if the contact levels work for you both then it’s fine. But I would say myself that wasn’t close - my mum and I do tons together, trips, lunches, calls several times a week. So to me only speaking 12 times a year and visiting twice would be awfully distant and I’d not describe that as close. But if that’s what you’re happy with then it is more understandable that perhaps he is holding off till the monthly call or biannual meet up to share the news as it wasn’t immediately relevant to share it

I speak with my mum about once a week. My Dad about 3 times a year (same house, he just hates the phone!). See them 3 or 4 times a year. Similar distance to you OP.

I would describe myself as close with my mum and very close with my dad. So, frequency of calls doesn’t matter to us. We text a lot. It’s like writing letters before the telephone: back then corresponding every few weeks was considered a very close relationship!!!

My parents would be devastated if they found out I was engaged from someone outside the family, and even within the family. I’d check this isn’t a crossed wires situation before you get too upset but otherwise I’d feel the same way as you.

Try not to go off at them too much though, even if upset. Don’t push them away over this. They could have been planning a zoom call or a surprise visit for all you know, and just been beaten to it by someone else.

He hasn't actually done anything wrong and you don't know what his relationship is like with the OP. Also it only happened about a fortnight ago, so perhaps he just hasn't got around to telling his mum yet and in the meantime he has seen his best friend. Maybe he has every intention of telling her during their regular monthly phone call, or perhaps he's planning a surprise visit with his fiancee to let her know the good news.

I take your point about the money. But it's not comparable in time - it's about an hour and a half on the plane to London, a lot longer to Portugal!
It may not be relevant but I think since OP is asking about not having important news shared with her, the question of how close they are does come up.
Also moving forward I think week long visits can be hard on both parties (I lived in a different country to my family so have experience of this) and shorter visits can work out better.

Well I would be very hurt too if I found out that my son had got engaged like this. I think you’ll just have to wait until he replies to your message. I also wonder if they were planning a surprise visit to tell you in person. If not, then I think you should make it very clear to him that this has upset you.
To me your way of communicating is perfectly normal for a family separated by distance. From what I see, many young people, especially young men, really aren’t up for very frequent phone calls and prefer to message.

How many more engagements do you think he will have?

I would hang tight before I took it personal. There could be many reasons and for all you know op there is a special announcement or something fun they want to do in person to tell you.

I highly doubt they have made a pact to exclude you in the information to purposefully hurt your feelings.

You get a choice to pause ,wait and see from their point of view. Are they happy? Are they lost in the moment of being in love, are they unsure about it might there be complications they need to think through or discuss.

If you was to go in feelings hurt and ask them straight out there is a potential to scupper plans they could have. There is also the chance you make it all about you when it should be all about them. In that scenario they will pull back and will be wary of anymore information they share with you.

once all those avenues have been explored and IF it turns out they told everyone but you. You can have a calm conversation about it so you can understand why that's been the case.

Of course it's a relationship - and a healthy one too! I'd consider an adult child who phones once or twice per day to be excessively clingy, and I'd be worried that they weren't forging their own independent life. You can be close and not live in each other's pockets.

It is relevant as whether he ‘should’ have told you is dependent on how close you are, or aren’t

I talk daily to my DM but that is only in the last few years since DF died and her memory is fading too, so checking whether she has remembered lunch etc. See her quite often too but now lives closer.

Before when DF was alive and fewer health concerns it was probably a phone call once a week and seeing them every couple of months. Lived a couple of hours away. They were not into tech so no family WhatsApp etc.

DC now at university. I would think I was stifling them if expected daily phone calls. We have family (and individual) WhatsApp. Normally message everyday, sometimes just a ‘morning’. DC don’t really do phone calls! Try and do weekly FaceTime chat. Communication in their generation is done very differently. I want DC to be having fun and communicating with their mates, not having daily calls with me. Don’t think you have fully let go and have clipped their wings if you expect daily phone calls.

I get what you're saying about short vs long visits. We have tried both and decided we prefer longer visits. We found when we did shorter visits the hosting party had to cancel all plans as it felt rude to disappear for 2 hours if we were only together for 2 days. With a week they can still go to tennis/the gym, we can still go to our hobbies so everyone enjoys the week more.

@Mumsier I wonder if he wants to tell you in person or is being respectful of sibling break up.

I don’t think people appreciate the distance from Aberdeen to London.

Is it possible they announced it on social media, so assumed you knew, and now it's a bit awkward as there was never the intention for you not to know?

Maybe for them it isn't a big deal as they've been together for a couple of years, live together?

Am just looking at an explanation.

What random people on the internet??

Its almost certainly that.

Recall your text if you can to give them the opportunity to do it their way x

How has he passed on other big news - new job, new house, etc? It sounds like you all love each other, but from what you’ve described I’m not particularly surprised he didn’t think “I must call mum” immediately. Honestly I’d wait to hear from him, see if he had a particular way of communicating this in mind before you get too upset.

Everyone is different. One of my DC lives in the EU - probably not much longer a flight time from London that the flights to Aberdeen. Its still a long way. They come over a couple of times a year, I go to them usually in the Autumn. Sometimes its more, sometimes its only twice. In the event of need, either of us would and have dropped everything and travel to the other, as I imagine you would.

We generally Facetime a couple of times a month, sometimes more depending on what there is to talk about or if we are planning something which is more easily done face to face. Like you we are in pretty constant contact via messaging, which is generally much more popular with my DC generation.

The idea that you need to speak near daily or be constantly hopping on the plane to maintain a relationship these days is for the birds.

Is it possible that they wanted to announce in person at Hogmanay but a schoolfriend who knew has spilled the beans early? Honestly if it were one of mine I’d just call or message them and find out what was going on - you don’t even know for sure that its true.

Wow all these people who speak to their parents/ adult children daily. I would find that unbearable. Like the OP, regular keeping in touch on a WhatsApp group is absolutely fine with me

It is, however, very odd to get engaged, tell all sorts of people, but not mention it to your parents.

I think it’s a possibility then. Yes, it’s rough to find out from someone else, but you can’t win sometimes with how you communicate news.

Who’s ’all sorts of people? Her DS’s best friend knew and he told his mum. That’s not telling ‘all sorts of people’.

The best friend may have helped pick out a ring, with proposal advice etc.