DS got engaged and never told me

[Mumsier]

My eldest DS is 26, he's been with his partner for 2.5 years, they live together, she is lovely. I see DS about twice a year, call about once a month and we have a family group chat active most days.
2 weeks ago DS and his gf went to Portugal (where she is from) on holiday, they sent loads of pics in the group chat.
Today while I was doing the shopping I ran into the mum of DS's childhood best friend, we chatted and she said "you must be over the moon at the news" I had no idea what she was talking about which was very embarrassing and then she told me that her DS had mentioned my DS and his partner were engaged.
I've messaged DS about it now, but no reply (only messaged an hour ago and I know they are meeting up with friends and going to a gig tonight). DH also didn't know, nor did DS2 or DD.

AIBU to be really hurt and confused by this? He never uses his social media and his partner doesn't have any of our family on hers, so there was no way for us to have found out incidentally.

You’re not a very close family, hence he doesn’t feel any real need to share the news with you.

I’m also in my late twenties & can’t imagine only seeing my parents twice a year with a call every month. My husband has about that level of contact with PIL & isn’t close to them whatsoever, never has been, so the very low contact as adults was never a shock.

Every family is different. Did you have more contact with your parents as an adult?

To be honest I don’t know anyone who has such low contact with their parents - even in our party focused twenties. I have friends in Australia and Canada and Singapore and they speak to their parents about once a week on the phone - plus annual visits.

are you close to your other children?

Sorry OP. I would be very saddened and hurt by this.

I’d be hurt too. Hope it’s resolved soon.

Oh op I would be very upset too. Ignore the people saying you’re not close or they speak to their dc daily. Your family is doing what it does and you’re all happy with it. People on mn are never able to understand that not everyone is the same as them.

I hope your DS comes back with an answer that makes you feel better.

I knew my best friend was engaged before his mum did as he had a very particular plan for how he wanted to tell her, but also wanted to tell me to keep the day free. However he did also tell me that she didn't know so I knew to keep shtum about it to ensure it didn't get back to her through the grapevine.

It could be worse. My cousin and his wife have 4 daughters and they are all really close. Lots of regular get together, all the boyfriends get on, big family meals etc. One day, out of the blue, one if the daughters snd her boyfriend went on holiday and got married then told everyone when they got back. Lots of nice pictures of them in a beach but just the two of them. My cousin was livid snd didn't speak to his daughter or her new husband for 6 months.

I got engaged while living overseas and bounded into work post holiday with such a grin / sparkly new ring everyone there knew. It was then four weeks before we were able to get to the uk and we held off telling both families for that time so we could do it in person.

That is indeed hurtful. I disagree with those who say he is waiting to meet you in person. How difficult would it have been to do a video call and share the happy news? Is he not close to his siblings either? Because, sorry, you don't sound that close if you talk only once a month.

Totally understandable to be hurt, but I’m inclined to think he’s planning to tell you and is waiting to see you or for time for a longer phone call or a group call. It probably hasn’t occurred to him you could hear it from someone else. Try not to let it spoil your enjoyment of his exciting news.

Then your cousin is pathetic

It is hurtful that he didn’t tell you Op but hopefully it will have been for a good reason (as others have said, like wanting to speak / tell you in person etc) whereas it’s easier to tell friends via text. He should have asked those friends not to tell anyone though until you guys had been told.

FWIW, I live in another country to my mum & consider us to be close but we don’t even speak monthly (life is hectic, kids, work etc etc) although do message regularly.

Try to not let this spoil your feelings when he does tell you.

Spose it's individual. I work 40-67h a week/volunteer with a charity etc (34yo), speak to my mum at least twice a week, often 3x

My DB did this except I found out he’d got married via a random acquaintance in the supermarket (DBs step daughter was friends with her daughter). It was mortifying because I had no idea what she was talking about. Until that point I thought me and DB were close - turns out I was completely wrong, and he only needed me as childcare for his kids and he viewed our relationship as completely transactional. Our relationship has never recovered. DB lives less than a mile from me and he’s never been able to explain why he didn’t tell us. There were never plans for a big reveal to the family. I’ve a horrible feeling your DS may be the same OP.

I don’t know how old you are, but comparing contact years ago when phone calls were pretty much the only way of contact to today when people can message constantly on social media, a phone call has far less significance. A monthly phone call between people who message frequently sounds perfectly reasonable.

Why do so many people struggle to accept that not all families are the same?!

I live in a different country to my mum. We see each other approx twice a year. Some weeks we WhatsApp daily, other times a few weeks can pass. We haven’t spoken on the phone for years.

Personally I couldn’t imagine speaking to her daily. What the fuck
do people have to chat about?

It could be something like this. Or perhaps she didn't say yes!

I wonder if he is waiting to get more certain plans before telling you. With a friend it’s a bit more casual, they ask less questions so you don’t need to think about all details, if it makes sense.
I told my best friend that DH and I were going to marry before we told parents, but it wasn’t an announcement, it was more like a conversation.
It was wrong that his friend told his mum. I wonder if DS didn’t answer your text because he wasn’t plan it to happened this way and now he’s upset.

Well, he might have thousands of reasons.

Obviously not your situation, but I (45 yo) only went low contact with my parents when it suited me.
You never crawl into the head of your (adult) child.

Not sure why people are commenting on how often you speak to your DS. I rarely phoned or visited my mum (whole host of logistical reasons, including her amazing social life, lol) but she was still one of the first I called when my ex and I got engaged. I’m sorry you are hurt op, and hope you speak with him soon.

When you say the family group chat is active every day... how often does he actually participate in it? If he's messaging and/or reacting to things, fine, but if everyone else is chatting and he has the group on mute, it's not a way to demonstrate he's close.

It sounds like maybe he told his mates in London and didn't occur to them one of them would tell his mum back home, and you'd find out that way? If so, just him being a bit thoughtless rather than actively excluding you from the news.

I wouldn’t call this close but I also do think he was very unreasonable to not let you know! Is there any chance the friend is mistaken?? Seems odd.

Exactly. I might drop a WA every 10 days but every 3/4 weeks we talk for two solid hours. My family don't do a quick 5-10 minute phone calls.

Utterly ridiculous of those assuming anything but at least weekly phone calls, means folk aren't close.

A once a month phone-call is very good at 26 (especially for a man)
The posters saying otherwise generally only have young kids (or none at all)

How often do you call him?

My parents live on a different continent and I speak to them more than you speak to your DS. You’re not close.