DS got engaged and never told me

[Mumsier]

My eldest DS is 26, he's been with his partner for 2.5 years, they live together, she is lovely. I see DS about twice a year, call about once a month and we have a family group chat active most days.
2 weeks ago DS and his gf went to Portugal (where she is from) on holiday, they sent loads of pics in the group chat.
Today while I was doing the shopping I ran into the mum of DS's childhood best friend, we chatted and she said "you must be over the moon at the news" I had no idea what she was talking about which was very embarrassing and then she told me that her DS had mentioned my DS and his partner were engaged.
I've messaged DS about it now, but no reply (only messaged an hour ago and I know they are meeting up with friends and going to a gig tonight). DH also didn't know, nor did DS2 or DD.

AIBU to be really hurt and confused by this? He never uses his social media and his partner doesn't have any of our family on hers, so there was no way for us to have found out incidentally.

If he wants to do a big announcement then how does his old schoolfriend's mum get to hear first?

I'd be put out too.

I think once a month for a call is quite distant to be honest. DH calls his parents every week. I see mine weekly because they help with childcare. But weird he didn’t tell you. Maybe it was going to be a surprise?

Oh OP, I would be so upset too.

But it doesn't sound like there's any reason for him to have 'not bothered' - your relationship sounds pretty normal for a family separated by distance to me?

It's either he wanted a big reveal in person or other other person has got the wrong end of the stick.

He's aware how social media works, so he must realise that you could hear about it prior to him telling you. It's not on, really.

Sorry but once a month is minimal contact! I speak daily or every two days. Dh speaks once a week but on the advice of therapists, it’s a very short conversation and he doesn’t share anything personal. But I’d still expect him to continue checking in on them once a week. If it were a bigger gap, like once a month I’d be disappointed in dh, that’s not a relationship.

I think calls really depend on personality and lifestyle. DS hates calls, he always has, he used to try and avoid being home if he knew my sister was going to call! He updates the group chat most days, sends random pics (usually of meals or cool cars he has seen), I think he just prefers to text.

I find it odd so many are focusing on the monthly calls. It sounds like the OP and her son communicate very frequently just not by phone.

I guess every family is different, I wouldn't want to call every week, I prefer one longer chat a month, DS1 and DS2 are the same.

I got married and didn’t tell DM - it happens!

Edited to add: I speak to DM on the phone weekly!!

It’s a way to demonstrate closeness.
if you feel you can be close to your child speaking 12 times a year, then good for you. No one said they weren’t in contact.

If your DH has needed advice from therapists on his relationship with his parents and that advice is surface level short phone calls, it sounds like there is negative history there to say the least. So why on earth would you be disappointed in him for reducing contact? Why is it even your business! Sorry, not the point of the thread.

Yes but surely texting most days and receiving pics is also a way to feel close? Calls aren't the only option now?

But you can be close to your child and communicate in other ways as the OP and her son clearly do. Phone calls are not the only indicator of how close you are to someone.

Oh I’m sorry OP. I’d be really hurt too if my son did the same.

I really don’t know what to say. I guess you’ll just have to see what he replies to your text.

Maybe he was planning on surprising you?

or maybe he wanted to tell you in person?

or maybe he’s just been distracted and not thought.

Either way, don’t dwell. Send a lovely bunch of flowers to him and his new fiancé and tell them how happy you are for them.

Don’t let this spiral into something else, stay onside and move past it. You don’t want this to create a barrier between you and your son.

You can fly from Aberdeen to London - see a show and have a short visit with him. Twice a year is so little, and several short visits are probably easier than two long ones in terms of getting on well with each other.

Sounds like you have t made the effort to see him so he hasn’t made the effort to tell you.

Exactly! My dd never calls me i only call her if its bad news we chat most days via WhatsApp but no actual phone calls I still know the ins and outs of her life and she knows mine she is 25 and feels like we are close

It doesn't always "need" to be a phone call

Why don’t you call him?

and to those saying he’s saying it for in person, by the time they next see him the wedding will be booked and the dress bought! I really don’t think he’s going to wait 6 months so it’s in person. Surely he could FaceTime if he wants to see reactions.

Thank god i do not have to have calls once a day with my parents. I’d have found that oppressive tbh.

As for still be in touch at the very least once a week with people that are toxic (hence just share the minimum advice from therapist) … I’m sorry but why??

@Mumsier fwiw, I never have a call with ds. He hates it, always has. Has never wanted to try and do the ‘let’s call each other’. Add the fa t I never know when it’s suitable to ring wo disturbing him…. It doesn’t happen.
So yes we have a WhatsApp group etc… too.

Id expect him to let me know he is engaged tbh. And I’m sure he would too.

I would be hurt too, OP. An engagement is the kind of thing you tell your families first before telling random people on the internet...

It's not that simple, he and his partner work freelance so end up doing lots of hours to make sure they have enough money to cover quiet months, they have friends they want to see, hobbies etc. us dropping down for a weekend isn't always fun, they both spend a lot of time doing sports, going to gigs. DH and I both also work and have our own lives. We don't feel like we aren't seeing enough of them, everyone is happy with the contact and it's really not relevant to the topic at hand.

I'm not going to call him today when I already know he is busy and going to a gig, he likely wouldn't answer when he knows I am aware of his plans.

Cost??

Easy to say ‘oh JUST take a plane/car/train/organise your whole hols aroubd seeing your adult dcs’
The reality is that we all have constrains that will reduce how often you see your adult dcs.
And fur meeting up purposes, being in london vs Aberdeen isn’t different than living in a dufferent country. Would you say that too if they were in Portugal instead? Just a flight away right? Could go go there just for the evening and see a show

When did they get back from holiday? 2 weeks ago? Could they be waiting to set up a video call with family? Do you have other kids?

You’d tell your friends by text but not parents?