To be upset about my mum's holiday

[Applebyapples]

I have a good relationship with my mum and she helps us with childcare, which I'm really grateful for. My three children love her and she's always been there for all of their birthdays. She told me yesterday that she's booked to go on a 10 day holiday with my sister and her husband next year... two of my children's birthdays are 9 days apart, and this holiday covers both of their birthdays. It's the only holiday she's got booked for next year so far. Apparently they "couldn't fit it in at any other time"...though the whole year is available as far as I know as she's retired, and my sister and husband don't have the kind of jobs where annual leave is restricted to certain times. I can't help but feel a bit upset that being at their birthdays isn't important to her and that she'd rather be on holiday with my sister instead, but am I being unreasonable? I haven't said anything to her, but wanted to gauge opinions on whether I'm being ridiculous to feel this way as I'm genuinely unsure

They're your kids, not your mother's.

Get over it.

Can people on Mumsnet just state why they think OPs are being reasonable or unreasonable without insulting them and also without presuming they know everything about them? You have NO idea what her relationship with her sister is like!

You're being silly . Mum can go on holiday whenever she wants. It's only birthdays, I'm sure they will still get presents !

No

She is allowed a life too as is your sister. Why not have a family celebration when they come back? She may bring them something lovely back from her holidays if you let her go with your blessing and welcome her back with a smile instead of a sour accusatory face!

With kindness - this is pretty shocking. She’s given you all so much. She deserves a break with your blessing. You’re very lucky having all that support and attention from her. Her life should not revolve around you and your kids constantly. Give the wonderful woman a break.x

You're getting a hard time OP, but I can sympathise. My parents always seem to "accidentally" plan something which means they can't come to my kids' birthdays (we just do tea with family), but expect everyone to show up with a big song and dance for their birthdays. I was a bit put out at first, but have decided now that it's not worth being upset over - it's turned into a bit of a running joke.

I wouldn't think twice about this.

Then, my mum barely acknowledges my kids exist so I just let her get on with it

Why are we speaking about the mother needing her daughters "blessing" to go on holiday as if she somehow needs permission to do so?

My mum and my wonderful in-laws help us with childcare, but when they want to go on holiday, they tell us the dates they've booked and we take the time off work to cover accordingly. They certainly as retired, grown adults are not needing their children's permission or blessing to do so!

I often find that the people who respond on Mumsnet are the types who never ever seem to be bothered by anything. Ever. They are all just so chill.
OP I can understand why this would upset you. What is often missed from posts is the nuances. You are upset because your mum has always been there for the kids birthdays and that's what you know and how you like to celebrate. It might feel lonelier to you if she isn't there. I think a lot of mumsnetters don't seem to do much for their kids' birthdays judging by these comments.

Perhaps have an honest chat with your mum. She maybe didn't realise it would have meant so much to you. Likewise, just because your mum won't be there doesn't mean you can't celebrate your child in a lovely way.

If she’s always been there for their birthdays then I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re going to be quite sad she’s not there.

As she's already told you that the holiday couldn't be booked at a different time, and as it already IS booked, you're not going to be able to change things so that she WILL be there on the birthdays. So, do you want to make the best of it, keep things as nice as possible for the children - or waste energy (and possibly damage relationships) because you're hurt?

I'd focus on the children (and a LOT depends on how old they are); let them know gently and normally that Gran's got this trip coming up and when it seems natural, you can say she'll be away over their birthdays. Don't make a big deal of it to them, but if they proactively SAY that they are upset or disappointed maybe tell your mum that they'll miss her at their birthday party/ies and ask if she wants to do a separate little celebration of both birthdays at some other time. The children will have to learn sooner or later that not everyone they love is always going to be there on their birthdays; it looks like this is the year to learn that for them.

YABU! Don't let your kids pick up on your disappointment, or they'll get the impression that people should stop everything and make themselves available to celebrate every birthday they have. Life goes on, it's just a birthday! Hopefully she'll be able to call/ facetime them or leave a card and gift before she goes.

Your poor Mum. I bet she was always around for your birthday. Do you really think she shouldn't be away for any of her grandchildren's birthdays, or is it just yours? She helps you out with childcare, so actually she's not fully retired, is she?
You might be disappointed that she won't be there, although you've got plenty of time to organise a nice celebration for your DC in her absence, and you can celebrate again when she comes back. The DC won't care. I suspect you are a bit miffed that they are going away without you.

Honestly you are making too much of this. Do afternoon tea with her beforehand or after and she can give the kids their gift. Any excuse for cake. It’s fine.

Grow up it’s a birthday not one of them
getting married! No wonder she didn’t tell until she had booked it, it’s sound more likely you’re annoyed because you’ve lost your free childcare for a few days!

There could be all sorts of reasons why they had to chose those dates, being retired doesn't mean no other commitments and similarly with your sister and brother in law. Or it could be cheaper, or the holiday might only be available those dates.
But whatever the reason I doubt she has chosen it because it's her grandchildren's birthdays.
I'm sorry but you are being extremely unreasonable.

So you think your kids birthday is more important then your Mother spending time with her own daughter?

Your mother helps with childcare and you begrudge her going on a holiday with your sister.

Selfish much??????

Like most grandparents we help out with childcare during school holidays. Also our DS & her husband work shifts so we often collect DGC from school, take them to their activities, have them stay with us & take them to school the next day when both parents on night shifts.

However, we sometimes book holidays during school holidays. We liaise with our DCs about a year in advance saying we can have GC this week, this week & fit around their holidays & other GPs availability.

No problem, no issue. Our DCs understand that we have our own lives and constantly say that they are grateful for whatever care we can give.

You cant say 'it sounds like she didnt give you a heads up because she knew you would be upset' because theres zero indication that that's the case. All we know is that the holiday is next year and the bdays will be missed and op didn't pull her up on it so what you said is silly and 'it sounds like' you just want to be part of the pile on.

Seriously.
Of course she should miss out on a holiday so she can attend children's birthday parties🙄.
and of course your sister planned her holiday on purpose around your children's birthdays just for spite .

You’re being completely ridiculous. Be pleased that your mum is getting a nice break.

YABVVU.

Your poor mum.

Op you're not being ridiculous and maybe there's more of a back story or not only you know but honestly its not a big deal. I think its highly unlikely they would go out of their way to book their hols around the kids bdays , and you can defo plan something before or after. Like you said your relationship is good and I think that you can safely not be offended by it. Don't pay attention to the pile on here either.

Good grief ! she didn't give birth to them, you did !

It's not your birthday and even if it was you are an adult and can cope without seeing Mummy on the day
It's not your Mother's birthday and even if it was she can cope without seeing you on the day.

Birthdays are only important to the child whose birthday it is.