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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about my mum's holiday

209 replies

Applebyapples · 27/09/2025 14:01

I have a good relationship with my mum and she helps us with childcare, which I'm really grateful for. My three children love her and she's always been there for all of their birthdays. She told me yesterday that she's booked to go on a 10 day holiday with my sister and her husband next year... two of my children's birthdays are 9 days apart, and this holiday covers both of their birthdays. It's the only holiday she's got booked for next year so far. Apparently they "couldn't fit it in at any other time"...though the whole year is available as far as I know as she's retired, and my sister and husband don't have the kind of jobs where annual leave is restricted to certain times. I can't help but feel a bit upset that being at their birthdays isn't important to her and that she'd rather be on holiday with my sister instead, but am I being unreasonable? I haven't said anything to her, but wanted to gauge opinions on whether I'm being ridiculous to feel this way as I'm genuinely unsure

OP posts:
Broccolitime · 27/09/2025 15:35

Cherrytree86 · 27/09/2025 15:35

of course I’m joking!

@Broccolitime thanks, but you’re wrong. Mind your business.

Show quote history

phew!!

ParmaVioletTea · 27/09/2025 15:37

ginasevern · 27/09/2025 15:29

@ParmaVioletTea "Why are you so angry about her having her own life?"

Ah, you obviously didn't get the memo. It's because grandmothers only exist in the context of their grandchildren. It's illegal for them to have a life outside of this. As women they are seriously deficient and probably evil if they think (let alone do) otherwise.

Oh thanks for catching me up on that @ginasevern I stand corrected.

Clearly, I was suffering from wrongthink. Ideas about independence in any woman - particularly if they're past child-bearing age - must be nipped in the bud.

AngelofIslington · 27/09/2025 15:37

Doseofreality · 27/09/2025 14:03

You’re not upset, you are jealous.

I agree with this as surely no adult could get upset about when someone takes a holiday

ParmaVioletTea · 27/09/2025 15:42

Cherrytree86 · 27/09/2025 15:35

of course I’m joking!

@Broccolitime thanks, but you’re wrong. Mind your business.

Show quote history

Whew!

saraclara · 27/09/2025 15:42

This thread is well timed for me. I'm a grandma who's not been able to get away on a holiday of her own because life has been pretty shit and I haven't felt able to escape being needed to handle stuff here.

It looks as though there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'll be able to get away in a few weeks and potentially visit family on the other side of the world. But that will be over a period where both my grandchildren have their birthdays. But if I don't go then, it will be both unaffordable and inconvenient (returning just before Christmas).

Obviously I'd like to be around for the birthdays (though I generally don't get to see them on the day itself) so I'm struggling with how I might feel not being around, and how my daughter and little granddaughters might feel about it. The older grandchild (6) is already talking about her birthday on the assumption that I'll be there.

I'm glad to see that most people thing is okay. But I'm still a bit uncomfortable about it, even though I know my daughter almost certainly won't have a problem with it.

ParmaVioletTea · 27/09/2025 15:45

It looks as though there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'll be able to get away in a few weeks and potentially visit family on the other side of the world.

@saraclara Go!!! Your daughter & grandchildren here will cope for one year. They have you every other year.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/09/2025 15:47

@saraclara you absolutely should go.

ginasevern · 27/09/2025 15:47

ParmaVioletTea · 27/09/2025 15:37

Oh thanks for catching me up on that @ginasevern I stand corrected.

Clearly, I was suffering from wrongthink. Ideas about independence in any woman - particularly if they're past child-bearing age - must be nipped in the bud.

Show quote history

Glad to be of service. I would hate for you to be spouting that sort of radical thinking out and about!

LBFseBrom · 27/09/2025 15:54

Broccolitime · 27/09/2025 14:03

If be telling my mum to have a wonderful holiday and I can’t wait to hear all about it

Same here. Your children can celebrate their birthdays with their grandma before or after the holiday, it really isn't a big deal, it's not their eighteenth or fortieth and they will have had, and no doubt will have, more birthdays.

I only had one child but his birthday frequently fell during half term when we would go away so celebrations were often on a weekend before or after. Nobody minded.

MeatballMenu · 27/09/2025 15:59

@saraclara

Absolutely go, book your flights immediately - they'll have a birthday every year. Like a PP, I've never been to one of my GCs birthday parties. Not an issue.

I hope life becomes less shit for you 💐

User5306921 · 27/09/2025 16:00

I thought you were going to say its one of her 'big' birthdays and she's chosen to go away with your sister, in which case, I'd probably still struggle to see the problem tbh.

Its just a birthday - whether its your kids or yours - stop being so entitled.

OCDmama · 27/09/2025 16:00

Jesus Christ give Nanna a break!

CopperWhite · 27/09/2025 16:05

If you have children and your sister doesn’t, then you probably already have much more of your mums time than she does. Your mum is doing the right thing by sharing her time between you, and your sister and her husband’s holiday plans don’t revolve around you or your children.

Hankunamatata · 27/09/2025 16:06

Yeah yabu

brunettemic · 27/09/2025 16:07

Oh get a grip.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 27/09/2025 16:11

Grow up, life doesn't revolve around you and your kids.

Kingsleadhat · 27/09/2025 16:13

I don't understand why she should plan her life around you. She's already doing childcare. Do you see her as a resource rather than someone with a life of her own?

WonderingWanda · 27/09/2025 16:15

My Mum adores my kids and has a great relationship with them. Sometimes she is about for birthdays, sometimes she isn't. Sometimes we see her for her birthday, Sometimes we don't. It doesn't mean anything.

Is there more to this op? Are there other instances where you feel your sister comes first? I wonder if you are being a but triggered by feelings of resentment due to feeling second best to your sister?

Createausername1970 · 27/09/2025 16:17

We were often away ourselves on DS's birthday. It never entered my head that it would be a problem for other family members.

We sometimes do a family BBQ on one of the weekends near his birthday and family members are invited, but they don't all come, it's not compulsory.

So I think you are possibly being a bit precious about it.

offuever · 27/09/2025 16:22

saraclara · 27/09/2025 15:42

This thread is well timed for me. I'm a grandma who's not been able to get away on a holiday of her own because life has been pretty shit and I haven't felt able to escape being needed to handle stuff here.

It looks as though there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'll be able to get away in a few weeks and potentially visit family on the other side of the world. But that will be over a period where both my grandchildren have their birthdays. But if I don't go then, it will be both unaffordable and inconvenient (returning just before Christmas).

Obviously I'd like to be around for the birthdays (though I generally don't get to see them on the day itself) so I'm struggling with how I might feel not being around, and how my daughter and little granddaughters might feel about it. The older grandchild (6) is already talking about her birthday on the assumption that I'll be there.

I'm glad to see that most people thing is okay. But I'm still a bit uncomfortable about it, even though I know my daughter almost certainly won't have a problem with it.

I am going to Oz and missing Granddaughter birthday to see my son . Mid November to mid December so I am back for Christmas prep and hopefully catching some good weather in Australia. I am very much a hands on Grandma and my daughter is absolutely fine about it …she understands that I am a Mum not just to her ,but her siblings as well . Hopefully your family will wave you off quite happily.

Scottishskifun · 27/09/2025 16:23

Unless it's a significant birthday with a huge party planned then yep completely unreasonable!

Your mum is allowed to have a holiday when she likes and frankly she's saving you a childcare bill of several thousand a year! Tell her to enjoy herself!

Redrosesposies · 27/09/2025 16:24

Probably going against the grain here but yes I think I would be a little put out too. Many posters have given very good and valid reasons why you shouldn't upset and many have told you to stop being so entitled, but you know it's your Mum and she's picked your sisters family over yours.
I wouldn't do it and neither would my Mum.

Edited to add

The kids probably won't care so just one to put behind you.

OriginalUsername2 · 27/09/2025 16:25

She can come back and give them late presents. No big deal.

That’s actually nice for the DC’s in a way because it gives them more to look forward to after their celebrations are over. You can have a little tea party with nan and aunty.

ParmaVioletTea · 27/09/2025 16:28

but you know it's your Mum and she's picked your sisters family over yours.
I wouldn't do it and neither would my Mum.

But going by that logic, up to this point, @Applebyapples 's mother has chosen @Applebyapples over her other daughter.

The OP's sister is still her mother's daughter. Don't you see how unreasonable you're being?

whistlesandbells · 27/09/2025 16:34

A ‘child’ is not entitled to their parent’s time 24/7 when they become an adult. This is your mother’s life and she is entitled (a year in advance) to go on holiday. I actually dread the thought of being expected to be “present”, “on call” and “more childcare” from adult children. You clearly get on as she looks after your children - why on earth do you think you get any involvement in her just enjoying herself? Chill. Let her have her holiday and celebrate your children’s birthdays by yourself.