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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about my mum's holiday

209 replies

Applebyapples · 27/09/2025 14:01

I have a good relationship with my mum and she helps us with childcare, which I'm really grateful for. My three children love her and she's always been there for all of their birthdays. She told me yesterday that she's booked to go on a 10 day holiday with my sister and her husband next year... two of my children's birthdays are 9 days apart, and this holiday covers both of their birthdays. It's the only holiday she's got booked for next year so far. Apparently they "couldn't fit it in at any other time"...though the whole year is available as far as I know as she's retired, and my sister and husband don't have the kind of jobs where annual leave is restricted to certain times. I can't help but feel a bit upset that being at their birthdays isn't important to her and that she'd rather be on holiday with my sister instead, but am I being unreasonable? I haven't said anything to her, but wanted to gauge opinions on whether I'm being ridiculous to feel this way as I'm genuinely unsure

OP posts:
MotherMary14 · 27/09/2025 14:10

Sounds like she didn’t give you a heads up because she knew you’d be upset. Do you have certain expectations of her around the children’s birthdays - is she expected to help with parties/outings? Maybe she just needs a break from the childcare.

Frikadelle · 27/09/2025 14:11

Please don't say anything to your DM about it. Your DC will be able to celebrate with her again when she gets home.

StewkeyBlue · 27/09/2025 14:11

OK, it’s a bit of a jolt when a tradition or birthday habit gets changed, but things change anyway as the children get older.

You cannot expect 3 people to plan holidays around your kids birthdays.

I am sure your Mum will find a way to show your children that she loves and celebrates them.

Do not guilt trip your Mum, display any passive aggressive response or show any disapproval.

Pancakeflipper · 27/09/2025 14:11

I think your mum can book a holiday when it suits her. She might want a particular type of acommodation/place that narrows down her options.

She doesn't love her grandchildren less because she's not there on the actual birthday. Or see their birthdays as pointless. I think that's a huge emotional step to take in response to her going on holiday.

Are you a little jealous shes going away with your sibling and family and without you and your children? Or worried youll miss her support?

Can't you do a big party for family when they return from hols to celebrate?

Broccolitime · 27/09/2025 14:12

I wonder how people like this OP get on with people generally, whether they have any friends for example. Because you really have to be quite … mean to begrudge your mother a holiday in the scenario outline

materialgworl · 27/09/2025 14:13

She’s your sister’s mum too. YABU

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/09/2025 14:13

Is this a reverse, OP?

Because that’s the only way it makes sense. Surely no one is actually this selfish as to genuinely believe that their parent - who has done their stint of child-rearing and is now presumably enjoying a well-earned retirement - should forgo a holiday for the sake of being around for the grandchildren’s birthdays. Unless these birthdays are 18th or 21st? Otherwise, you’re being utterly ridiculous.

Kangarude · 27/09/2025 14:13

It would never cross my mind to book my holidays around the birthdays of my DGC. I see them all the time and would ensure their parent(s) had my gift before I went.
I have also taken to going away on my own birthdays, despite the fact the DGC usually like to visit me on my birthday.
YABVU

Anabla · 27/09/2025 14:13

BashfulClam · 27/09/2025 14:04

Your mother can go on holiday when it suits her, not you. Maybe she wants some time with her other child as she seems to be at your beck and call a lot. You sound incredibly selfish.

Edited

Absolutely this. I have a summer birthday and my mum and dad have spent most of my adult life on holiday for my birthday. If they chose to go on holiday for any of my kids birthday, my only concern is that they have a good time.

You say your mum already helps with childcare so you're incredibly selfish to think you can also dictate when she can take a holiday.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 27/09/2025 14:17

You are most definitely being unreasonable.

Your mum helps with childcare and seems to be a lovely Nanna to your DC's but why on earth should she forgo a holiday, and the chance to do something nice for herself, just because your DC will have Birthdays when she is away?

Her life doesn't revolve around you and your children. She has her own life and should be able to go on holiday when she pleases.

Hibernatingsloth · 27/09/2025 14:18

OP your self entitlement is jumping off the page.
Apparently, as your DM is retired that means she doesn't/can't have any plans of her own.
Unless it benefits you, as she seems to be picking up the bulk of your childcare for free.
Maybe she's fed up of being an unpaid child carer, at your beck and call, as, in your words, she's retired so she doesn't have any plans.
Maybe she wants to to spend quality time with your sister.
Maybe she didn't tell you because she knew how you'd react.

IglesiasPiggl · 27/09/2025 14:18

You don't say how old the kids are, but things change as they get older. It's not always convenient to see grandparents on the day anyway. My mum sends a present and a card and phones my DC on the day, that's it.

5128gap · 27/09/2025 14:19

You're feeling insecure because you're seeing this as your mum preferring your sister over your DC (you). When in fact we can feel equally about our DC but sometimes be faced with a conflict for our time and have to make a choice. You must understand this as a mum of two yourself. On this occasion your mum has chosen the only opportunity she has to holiday with her one child (you have to trust her it was the only option as she can't control everyone's AL) over being there for one birthday out of many of her other Childs DC. You might think it was the wrong choice, but equally had she refused the holiday your sister may have felt the same. Having a sibling means you have to share your mum, and sonetimes you geg more, sometimes less.
Accept this with good grace and let her celebrate with DC when she gets back. Dwelling on it will only upset you.

YesImaman1100 · 27/09/2025 14:20

head, wobble, required.

TokyoSushi · 27/09/2025 14:21

OP!! Just no.

GreatWhiteWail · 27/09/2025 14:21

Very very unreasonable.

Sounds like you've had it all your own way for too long.

topcat2014 · 27/09/2025 14:23

My MIL and FIL booked a holiday covering my child's actual BIRTH, which we were a bit off about - esp as it ended up being emergency C section..

But birthdays - yeah, couldn't get bothered about that

pinkdelight · 27/09/2025 14:26

I can't help but feel a bit upset that being at their birthdays isn't important to her and that she'd rather be on holiday with my sister instead, but am I being unreasonable?

Yep, YABU. Why wouldn't she rather be on holiday - any kind of holiday - than at a (presumably young) child's birthday? Add in the fact that she'll be on holiday with one of her own (grown up) children, and it's even more appealing. I love my DC but when they were little, their birthdays weren't a big thrill for me or other adults. They mostly involve other little kids and party stuff which can be quite the endurance test. Sounds like she's around for them plenty so don't be making such a big deal of her having to attend on these particular days, esp as you have three and that's lots of birthdays over their lifetimes. As long as you're there for your DC, let her go and have fun with your sister and don't be getting competitive over who has dibs on her and what this means for how much your DC mean to her.

MatildaTheCat · 27/09/2025 14:29

Can you explain why you feel upset?

It does sound like jealousy rather than being upset for your children.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 27/09/2025 14:29

Unfortunately I have to say that you are being unreasonable. Your mum has done her stint raising children. You sound like you’re still stuck in the mindset of the parent / child roles you grew up with. You’re both adults now, it’s not your mums job to prioritise your wishes over hers any more.

JustSawJohnny · 27/09/2025 14:31

I'm sorry but these are incredibly unreasonable demands on a Grandparent.

They are your children. It would be arguably unreasonable for you or DH to be away for the kids' birthdays, unless utterly unavoidable or an emergency, but nobody else needs to prioritise your kid's birthdays over a holiday.

If they were both turning 18 and you had a big family party arranged for months then sure, but just normal birthdays?

Absolutely not.

Offloadontome · 27/09/2025 14:32

Nobody's birthday is that important to avoid planning actual holidays around. Your mum probably didn't even think about it when she booked it, and it's unreasonable to have expected her to. My parents usually go on holiday over my birthday, because it works for them and they like a winter break. I would never expect them to work it around a birthday!
I know parents who have planned holidays around their younger kids birthdays so they can celebrate at home with their friends / have a party on the day. But to expect anyone other than a parent to even consider this is not usual.
I can see why you feel sad about her not being around if she's usually very involved, but you're still unreasonable to expect her to plan her holidays around it.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/09/2025 14:33

OP, these are your children. You are upset on their behalf but you don't need to be because YOU will be there for their birthdays. These are not your mum's children, much as she might love them. She's going away on holiday with one of her actual children (your DS).

I mean, I love my GC, but they aren't my children or my responsibility so if I have the chance of a holiday I'm going to take it and not think twice about GC birthdays. They'll get a card and present from me on the day and I'll see them when I get back. Because I'm just their grandmother.

Broccolitime · 27/09/2025 14:33

Hopefully (unlikely) the Op has taken on board the thread and will wish her mother a wonderful holiday.

It might also be worth doing a bit of self reflecting op

Ontheedgeofit · 27/09/2025 14:36

You’re allowed to be a bit disappointed but that’s where it ends. You are not allowed to be upset at her or with her or make her feel guilty and like a bad person.

The handful of birthdays I can remember as a child certainly do not have either of my grandmothers in the centre of them.

A lot of mothers live in an illusion or rather a picture created on how you wish things to look. Reality is not like that and you should be a good daughter and be happy that your mother is taking a holiday! How wonderful for her.