DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

[Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft]

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

I hope you aren’t married to him. You just lost your mother and he’s picking a fight with you. That shows you who he really is.

Jesus what a twat he's being. He's making it all about him. So selfish and unsupportive. He should be supporting you not draining you at this time. I'm really sorry for the loss of your mum.

your partner is being ridiculous
you have an amicable relationship with your ex who paid his respects to his ex mil and his children’s grandmother
why is your partner making it about him and not supporting you
I am sorry for your loss

DH is being a dick
It's not about him
I assume he has known throughout your marriage that XH has been still involved with your family.

You are feeling with loss and need his support not to pander to his unreasonable neediness.

Id probably let this pass for now as it's something you don't need to focus on at the minute, but I would not let it lie forever

Im really really sorry for your loss

That would be the end of the relationship for me. At one of the most difficult times of your life he has chosen (because it is an active choice) not to support you but to tear strips off you.

His behaviour is appalling. He acted like a spoiled brat instead of suporting you at the worst of times.

Your brother behaved perfectly, and very kindly. Your ex was your mother's son in law for two decades and I'm assuming that they were fond of each other. It was a kind gesture to invite him and I'm sure your DM would have approved.

What the fuck. You are married to a man child. Of course your ex DH should be allowed to pay respects to someone who was in his life for years. My ex MIL and later my FIL died while I was in my current relationship. I went to both funerals. I would have been so angry but also disappointed if my now DH did not understand why this was important fur me to do.

Some time after my friend got divorced I asked where when she realised.

She said when her brother died, and he made her go into work and not let her go to her family. Then he sulked all the time he was at the deceased man’s house and funeral, making it about him.

You’ll never forgive or forget this. The word “disrespect” will be etched on your soul, as a reminder of how much of an absolute tool a person can be.

I’m so sorry about your mother.

I honestly think this would be relationship ending for me. How long have you been with him @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft ? Has he shown sounds of jealousy before?

So sorry for your loss.

Yanbu. Ive nothing else to say. You shouldn't be burdened with anything else at this time.

What ball? You married a moron can you not see that?

He's a selfish ignorant twat. Tell him maybe he should just go and sit out in the car all night if that's what he thinks is fine to do to you on the day of your mother's funeral. Better yet, stay there forever.

Have a word with him and ask him about if the situation were reversed how he'd feel about you not coming in ahead of his mother's funeral, for whatever reason. If he remains unable to show empathy I'd separate, at least temporarily. Life is too short to put up with selfish people.

Your brother lived with your Mum, and is still friends with your ex. He invited your ex to the house and funeral, therefore you had no right to throw your ex out of the house your brother is living in. Your ex clearly has known your Mum for a long time, if you were together 20 years, and has kept in touch via your brother. If your husband felt uncomfortable, then that was all his own doing. He could have chosen to ignore the fact your ex was there, and support you. But no, he chose to behave like a total knob instead. To be throwing all this at you now is awful and he should be ashamed of himself.

Same as @GCAcademic
Disgusting behaviour on so many levels. He’s basically made your mother’s death all about him. So sorry OP you don’t deserve this. 💐

Your partner is being an idiot, and should be supporting you at this time not being a jealous twat. It’s not about him he’s should have been there for you.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

Sorry you are married to a twat! The day was not all about him We had a similar situation at my mums funeral and everyone behaved as adults and we were all cordial- as it should be. It was all about mum! She had relationships with both the Ex and current DH of my sis and your DH should have been there to support you and make the day easier if he could- not cause you problems. I would feel so let down in your shoes and question his whole character.

Yes your DH/DP (not sure which, probably lose the D regardless) is a selfish arse who thinks everything revolves around him.
My DH first wife came to MiL funeral because they had known each other for more than 20 years. Nothing to do with me at all.
I’m sorry for your loss. When you have a bit more headspace think carefully about your future and what that might look like - you deserve the very best

I couldn't be with him now. He's shown you who he is.

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's too young and a huge shock 💐

What an utterly knobhead. Making your DMs funeral all about himself . I would be kicking the selfish dick right out

We are not married, he is my partner / other half not husband, sorry if Ive used the wrong description.

He’s a complete tool.

wow, amazing how insecure your partner is.

and sadly as others have said he has shown you a side of himself which i could never forgive.

Oh good, easier to get rid of him.

He should have been by your side supporting you through your mother's funeral. Unconditionally.

His selfishness and pettiness is unbelievable. Honestly I think that would be the end of the relationship for me.

There was absolutely no reason your ex husband shouldn't be invited. Does he seriously expect the father of your children to not feature in your life at all and why does him being there bother him so much anyway? He sounds like a total prat.

Dp is right just you put dh too.

Get rid.