My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

If you couldn’t get them to calm down you don’t have control over them, I have seen kids behave very badly but once their parents tell them to stop, they stop, it does not continue

These kids are old enough to know better

You and your husband sound like ye need a night away from them together

Time out?! That’s for preschoolers if you’re going to use it.

Where is your partner in this? Does he just do nothing? Why isn’t he mediating between the DC so it doesn’t get to the throwing glass jars stage?

The kids would have stopped screaming if it had been presented as stow it, you’re both hangry, let’s go and eat some dinner.

@Thethingswedoforlove Happy birthday!🎂🎉

You are a drama. Ffs. Kids are gonna kids. Get over yourself.

@FiatLuxAdAstra my partner dealt with it- that’s already been explained.

@ithinkilikethislittlelife nice.

I'd be tempted to get a little one person cake with a candle on it and sit at the table singing "Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me" tomorrow.

And then eat it in front of them.

There’s a lot going on here. You sound tired and exhausted and understandably fed up at missing out on your birthday. I’m sorry your day wasn’t more special. There’s also the issue of your children’s behaviour which sounds challenging but was hilighted this evening by the fact it resulted in you not celebrating your birthday. And finally there’s the lack of space you take up within the home. The lack of awareness that you matter, that your needs are important too.

Children needed to be trained sometimes to think about others, to put the needs of others first. We can start by making it clear what we expect on special days, helping them learn that making a fuss of someone on their birthday is part and parcel of healthy relationships. Then we might define what ‘making a fuss ‘ looks like eg hand made card, being ready to leave the house by 530pm for mum’s dinner out. You matter.

I think some information about the OP's partner has probably been withheld for privacy reasons or because it's not directly relevant - I read it as not the children's dad and possibly not living in the house initially, but he is the kids' dad.

There must be a back story because the OP emphasises that she is the breadwinner and does all the emotional labour and tries not to put pressure on him. Depression, acquired disability (as in recently) or serious physical illness perhaps.

Sure why not so the kids will have an incident of their mother doing emotionally abusive stuff to tell their therapists in twenty years.

FGS do not do this. The above is an intrusive thought being shared and not to be taken seriously.

Ahh ok. Sorry it’s been a crap day. I hope you can do something nice tomorrow. Happy birthday 🥳

Oh for christ safe what utter nonsense !🤷‍♀️

Was that the older one? I suspect early puberty

Eating cake to celebrate your birthday is not emotionally abusive 😂.

It sounds like these kids need a sharp reminder that the earth revolves around the sun, not them, and that others have needs and wishes as well.

@BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind yes the eldest. Well behaved usually but when she does act up it’s excessive, dramatic and long - always has been.

He didn't deal with it though did he? Because instead of them being calmed down, one of them threw a glass jar and both of them screamed and shouted for 2 hours

And why have they been locked in their rooms all evening separately?

'Locked in' ?????

Totally agree. Keep the faith. It sounds like you have understandably told them enough is enough, yghdy have had the consequences. It’s time to forgive the children and move forward-I would still do the pub celebration together / show them you believe in them to be back to their usual selves, and get back to enjoying family time together.

Kids are kids. School is hard, friendships are hard, puberty is hard, new school year is hard, authoritarian parents are had...I could go on.
They've had their punishment. Cancelling tomorrow is a dick move.

I sympathise OP, the same kind of thing happens here, no occasion is so fun or festive that the kids can't spoil it and I NEVER learn! To be fair they are better if it's just me and them, when DH is there they seem to be worse. Good for you for not going I might have ploughed on just to get fed myself.

Better than chucking them in together and letting them battle it out, I suppose 😂.

It's not your children's responsibility to make your birthday special, not at 8 and 10. It sounds like it escalated massively because they were shut in their rooms instead of being actually parented. And now you're planning to carry it on tomorrow as well. It does sound like you are burnt out, but that is on your partner and you, who need to work out a better balance between you. If he does have s disability or something as a pp suggested fair enough, but if not he sounds pretty lame with his only contribution being to shut the kids in their room when they start playing up.

Gosh some peoples' parenting standards are low.
These are two KS2 children acting like tantruming 2 year olds. They are WAY too old to be slapping, throwing things and screaming. And they are old enough to understand that on someone else's birthday, it is NOT about them.

Oh, that sounds a fun day.

As others have said, so much going on here. First, why were your kids behaving so badly? Are they tired/hungry/ill? Has something happened to unsettled them? Or, do they just need some better boundaries and ways to express themselves that dont include throwing a glass on a rage? That level of anger isnt normal, so i would take 5 to work out what happened.
Next time, would it be better to celebrate on the Saturday? Do a pizza and film night on school night, then have a meal in the pub early doors on Saturday? Kids are exhausted by friday, as are adults.

Then, there's the "my kids are my world" issue. All kids are important, but they need to know parents are too. Centering everything around them really puts a massive amount of pressure in them to fulfil you. Show them mum and dad are important too. Ask them to consider how they would feel if you behaved like that on their birthday. They're old enough to know better.

And last, please dont ruin your entire weekend because they had a bad night. Do what you had planned tomorrow, make it clear that if they behave the same you will go home ans they will be sent to reflect on their behaviour again.

Sibling outburst?! Harsh punishment?! What kind of abusive nonsense do you tolerate from your kids? Her children apparently screamed, slammed doors, hit each other and one threw a glass jar, when they were supposed to be getting ready to go out. My kids argue sometimes but well before ages 8 and 10 any physical stuff or screaming would’ve landed them in big trouble and any meal out would definitely have been cancelled. I’d have sent them to their bedrooms for the evening too. And then I’d have expected a proper apology in the morning. Bloody ridiculous way for kids that age to be carrying on.

have a huge hug from me. I know exactly how you're feeling. I'm going through some soul shattering issues myself. It always feels worse at night. Things might feel a bit better in the morning. x