My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

Agree entirely. And I'd expect my similar age child to make some small effort on my birthday, given everything I do to make his special. It's not excessive to have a few age-appropriate expectations of your children.

The OP has said she didn’t want any parenting advice. I don’t see the point in kicking someone when they’re feeling down. Sometimes things don’t go well. I also don’t buy that if you’d just done X everything would have been fine. Maybe they would have been bratty outside too. You don’t know how they would have been. She said they’re usually well behaved so it’s understandable people can be caught off guard.

Happy birthday! Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Stop their screen time for a week and they should write an apology. Also, If it happens again it will be double the time.

@lurchersforever i know it’s not their responsibility to make the day special and I’ve been very clear that I don’t expect a special day. I do expect an 8 and 10 year old to be able to get a jumper from the wardrobe without attacking each other, throwing tantrums, screaming and then refusing to stop when we intervene.
I also expect them to go to their rooms and be quiet once they’re told to stop.
If they can’t do that they don’t get the privilege of doing something special.
If it escalates they go to bed.

They were parented, there was a whole load of parenting going on and they didn’t like the consequences of it.

Why haven't your spoilt, over indulged kids gone to bed instead Op. Why you? You need to look at your parenting fast or you are going to have a pair of horrific teenagers in a few years.

Happy birthday op. That sounds rough and I can understand the 'im done and going to bed ' feeling. Don't cancel your plans for tomorrow, have a do over and enjoy a nice day. Sounds like you could all use it. These 1st few weeks if back to school can send them loopy. And buy yourself a cake or something nice you deserve it.

I'm so sorry you've had such an upsetting birthday... But it does sound like your response to their behaviour wound them up more instead of defusing things. Maybe the pressure of a special evening, combined with angry parents and the awareness that they've 'ruined' things, caused further distress that became impossible to regulate. Please don't continue the punishment into tomorrow. It sounds like everyone is feeling wounded enough in your house.

Happy Birthday! Take it easy. Take your partner up on having a day to yourself tomorrow. Let this blow over.

It’s poor behaviour, but I think it was partly down to timing, not because they’re spoilt brats. It’s Friday night after a week at school and they are excited. You’re doing something out of the ordinary. The 10 yr old is probably on the cusp of puberty. Kids find it hard to regulate emotions, especially when tired or hungry (any chance going out to eat meant food was a bit later than usual?).

So explosions, even for no real reason, are somewhat par for the course.

It’s worth thinking about how you do unusual things with them. Do they get primed before hand (e.g. your partner talking to them about what’s going to happen, how they are an important part of making it go well, ask if they are on board with things and talk about them sucking it up if they have a minor gripe to make it a nice celebration for you.)? Kids don’t pick up everything social just from watching. Sometimes they need a bit of explicit education about how it all works. Also, it can help them if you do things more regularly so they know what’s expected of them.

OP, there's nothing wrong with your expectations and I suspect not a lot wrong with your parenting. Most kids have occasional moments of sheer awfulness. I'd be having a stern word tomorrow and then moving on from it. I'd probably also secretly cancel the next treat I was planning for them and redirect the money into something for myself, but then I've been accused of being emotionally abusive on this thread so what do I know...😆🤷?

Happy birthday!

Nothing wrong with taking yourself off to bed if that's where you can unwind.

I find that behaviour I could usually brush off I take a lot more personally on a special day.

Next year you need to expect fuss. If they see you making an effort for their birthdays and their dad’s but no one doing it for yours that’s a horrible message. You deserve to be cherished and appreciated which means that on your special occasions there is fuss!

Tell him to plan something, all of it, to involve the girls and make it clear that from now on everyone’s gets a lovely special birthday.

By playing the “don’t worry about me” card you risk them seeing you as less important than everyone else and, even worse, they’ll carry it into their adult lives and if they become mums and do the same thing where mums come last.

Solidarity OP, I too have had this happen on multiple occasions, my kids are generally well behaved and decent but have an innate ability to kick off on the exact occasions I have meticulously planned and just want to go smoothly. I too am the breadwinner and family planner and it sucks when you’ve put in effort and just want to catch a break. Your kids sound totally normal though, as was your reaction. Hopefully they make it up to you with prodding from your husband if required.

Op you said you didn’t give a shit about it being your birthday so why are getting pissed of that your kids were being kids on your birthday
Eoyher you celebrate or you don’t. If there had been no cards or gifts you’d have been on here claiming no one cares!

Happy Birthday 💐
And sorry it’s been a shit day for you.

Are you more annoyed at the kids? Or your partner?

The kids are a bit young to really understand the importance of a parents birthday. And they’re too young to buy you a present or dinner.

However, it’s shit that your partner hadn’t organised you anything in advance, like a meal, or making the effort to do the trip for a takeaway.

How did it escalate from needing a jumper to all weekend plans cancelled?

It definitely sounds like the situation was inflamed rather than de escalated. It's not easy in the moment, and what's done is done, but 2 hours of screaming isn't necessary from anyone.

Did you or your partner give them a way out at any point? Piling on the consequences doesn't seem to have got anywhere. Remember it's the end of a busy week, they're tired, everyone's tired.

I hope you can pull it back and enjoy the weekend once everyone is rested.

It sounds like you’re under a lot of pressure and knackered. Try to get some more balance and space for yourself. I hope you have a better weekend. Don’t continue punishment of your children into tomorrow. They aren’t really old enough to understand they’ve “ruined mum’s birthday”. Yes, the behaviour was bad, but please don’t continue the drama - it’ll do more harm than good

I’m going to place a bet that over 95% of the things that you organise, plan and pay for or for the kids. The other 5% for your husband. You can model you are a person in a million small ways without spending money, planning anything or putting exceptional burden on your husband. Just think of all the normal things you did as a kid such as not interrupting mums lie-in or not talking through the news headlines or knowing you couldn’t get a lift on thursdays because that’s mums evening class or sitting on the floor so grandma can have the comfy chair. Would you have acted like a dick on your mums birthday when you were 10? I bet the reason you didn’t is not to do with how much money she spent on you or how much planning she did.

You are talking about financial pressures and the exhaustion of planning but really, someone has shopped for every other meal this week, would it have been too much for your dh to make your favourite meal and help the kids do some baking or stick a candle in a cuthbert? This is not excessive planning or vast expense, it’s super basic.
Anyway, tomorrow is another day with no mistakes in it yet so have a lovely day with your family and next year make sure you get the fuss you think is befitting members of your household on their birthdays.

OP, happy birthday.
Sorry to be harsh, but that behaviour is shocking.
They need some major zero tolerance.
No technology.
No treats.
Do absolutely nothing for them.

Children whom have respect do not behave like that.
You are not their friend, so don't try to be.
Sometimes your children need to dislike you.
I would give them an absolutely miserable weekend of consequences and I wouldn't buy so much as a biscuit for a week or two.
Throwing glass at 8?
Really bratty.
What do you think she will be like at 12?
Withdraw every privilege and treat until she learns some respect.
Both of them need to learn how lucky they are.
Do it now before you regret it.

Their father sounds very very poor.
You are the family workhorse.
What exactly is the point of him?
You do it all?

Are your children usually well-behaved because you do everything they want? Because that might be the problem - as soon as it's not about them, they throw a strop. Even making all the allowances for their age etc. they need to learn that they are actually not the centre of the universe.

I think sending yourself to bed early without dinner, is a weird way of punishing them

like you made they say deliberately worse for dramatic effect

kids sometimes behave badly and fight, but to attribute to them that they did it deliberately as the attention was not in them seems a weird interpretation?

it sounds like you feel thst you give your kids everything and more at great cost to yourself, and therefore tgey should be grateful?

in your shoes I would have told them off, send them to their rooms and try and have a nice dinner with your partner regardless (the kids Would have likely apologised and joined by then)

Firstly, happy birthday OP 🎂

I love my 2DC but I've learnt that even as we all grow together (mine are teens one an adult) that even DC who know right from wrong tend to be selfish and think life revolves around them.

Try to out-think them and make the situation work to your advantage, e.g. they play up so you tell them they've lost their time with you. Walk away, go and have a bath with music, play on your phone, do your hair, chat to friends/family on the phone. Your DH can put them to bed.

As soon as you have a babysitter (do this soon) go out and have your birthday meal with your DH then keep having fun couple nights. Have back up plans so you enjoy time yourself.

When your DC are getting on more tell them you like being with them when everyone behaves well and, as their behaviour is good, you will consider planning something else with them. There can be good consequences for good behaviour.

The odd thing to me is that you're describing it as if they are someone else's children. YOU are the mother, so YOU are responsible for a family where the children pull this kind of tantrum.
You said that you don't need parenting advice, but I suspect you did need it - about a decade ago.

Exactly this.

They've been punished.

If you're overly strict/unreasonable they will rebel as soon as they hit their teens.

Talk to them tomorrow about why it was wrong, don't punish them further.

I would have stuck to the plan

This is exactly what I thought! Nowhere does it mention grandchildren. Plus,I know it's not impossible,but it would be highly unlikely that someone of 43 would have grandchildren aged 8 and 10!