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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My children have ruined my birthday.

465 replies

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 20:53

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 26/09/2025 21:39

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 26/09/2025 21:22

I agree with this. Tomorrow is an opportunity to have a nice day all together. I hope they've learned their lesson. Happy birthday!

Yes. I wouldn't be afraid to tell them they ruined your day and that you are expecting thoughtful behaviour from them for the treat tomorrow. They have to learn to think of others and to rise to an occasion.

Clartzilla · 26/09/2025 21:39

InMyHealthyEra · 26/09/2025 21:00

I’m slightly confused, are your children 8 and 10 or are they your grandchildren?

That behaviour is completely unacceptable, they are old enough to know better

What the fuck?

SurvivalInstinctsOfABakedPotato · 26/09/2025 21:40

Mothers day and your birthday and you mention you work hard to give them experiences etc?

Maybe start working to give yourself experiences.
It's really healthy for kids to see mums treating themselves and putting themselves first

In this situation (I've had similar) I sent them to bed after a dinner of toast or something equally as boring and ordered myself a takeaway and icecream etc.

If they wanna act brattisg they don't get to take part in the treat

When calm down ask how they'd like you to do that and spend two hours screaming on their birthday instead of a party...

Give them chances to miss out and regret their actions, and see other people being put first.

Things like your partner saying to them 'let's ask mum what take away she'd like as she works so hard to give us all nice experiences let's do one for her' etc

Cel77 · 26/09/2025 21:40

InMyHealthyEra · 26/09/2025 21:00

I’m slightly confused, are your children 8 and 10 or are they your grandchildren?

That behaviour is completely unacceptable, they are old enough to know better

Why are you confused? Its quite clear they're her children ? 43 is very young to be a 10 years old grandma...

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 26/09/2025 21:43

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 21:10

@Naananananaa it was less of an escalation and more of a sudden explosion! It came out of nowhere and we reacted immediately and they were sent to their rooms but then the 2 hour pity party started.
I’m pretty strict so, no, they don’t get their own way and we don’t indulge them. They know we don’t tolerate bad behaviour so why they chose to do this today what has annoyed me so much.

I’m less moping and more exhausted and fed up.

We’d planned a day out to an event tomorrow but we both agree they shouldn’t be rewarded after this. My partner’s suggested I go somewhere by myself to get a break.

Your partner sounds brilliant. I hope you have a lovely day by yourself or with a friend doing things for you. You deserve it.
They are a pair of spoilt brats sadly. They need to have the most boring weekend possible after their show down on your birthday. They are old enough to know that today is about you and they should enjoy making it nice for you.
I'd make a list of chores and expect them done by the time you are back.

FiatLuxAdAstra · 26/09/2025 21:43

Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner

At 10 and 8, they were likely irritable because they were hungry and you had no plans for dinner and really were focussed on getting a drink down at the pub.

they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed.

What did you feed them for dinner if you had nothing in for dinner?

The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

Protesting your ridiculous over the top punishment for what was simply a sibling outburst.

more of a sudden explosion! It came out of nowhere and we reacted immediately and they were sent to their rooms but then the 2 hour pity party started. I’m pretty strict..

You are VERY strict and your punishment teaches them nothing. There is zero teaching from you on conflict resolution. You’re just teaching them to avoid all disagreements and conflicts.

We’d planned a day out to an event tomorrow but we both agree they shouldn’t be rewarded after this.

After what? Protesting what was definitely an extreme reaction and harsh punishment, you are going to double down and make sure tomorrow will be even worse.

Your parenting is terrible.

user1476613140 · 26/09/2025 21:44

Order yourself a takeaway between yourselves when they're asleep. No need to starve yourself. Happy Birthday 🎂

FiatLuxAdAstra · 26/09/2025 21:46

Calliopespa · 26/09/2025 21:39

Yes. I wouldn't be afraid to tell them they ruined your day and that you are expecting thoughtful behaviour from them for the treat tomorrow. They have to learn to think of others and to rise to an occasion.

OP did the heavy lifting on ruining the day.
Instead of finding out why they argued and defusing it.
She shows them that the one with the power wins and invoked group punishment on them.
Apparently 2mins of arguing with a sibling gets you 48hrs of mummy dearest retaliation. Especially since mummy did awfully want that drink at the pub 🍷

Everyonceinawhile · 26/09/2025 21:47

Naananananaa · 26/09/2025 21:05

Something has gone wrong here, how did you let is escalate so much? Where was your partner in all this? You’re the adult and need to assert yourself as such. Are they generally used to getting their own way?

Exactly, the dinner out should not have been cancelled, the children should have been told to behave and that should have been it…..why was that not possible?

Who decided to cancel the meal out?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 26/09/2025 21:47

FiatLuxAdAstra · 26/09/2025 21:46

OP did the heavy lifting on ruining the day.
Instead of finding out why they argued and defusing it.
She shows them that the one with the power wins and invoked group punishment on them.
Apparently 2mins of arguing with a sibling gets you 48hrs of mummy dearest retaliation. Especially since mummy did awfully want that drink at the pub 🍷

Don't be silly.

popcornandpotatoes · 26/09/2025 21:47

Sorry your children are playing up but taking yourself off to bed without eating is ridiculous. Why wouldn't you get a takeaway or something with your partner and watch something? Come on OP, this is just martyrdom

FiatLuxAdAstra · 26/09/2025 21:48

Everyonceinawhile · 26/09/2025 21:47

Exactly, the dinner out should not have been cancelled, the children should have been told to behave and that should have been it…..why was that not possible?

Who decided to cancel the meal out?

That is what I would have done.

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 26/09/2025 21:49

Do NOT carry it on tomorrow
That's just dragging out punishment for a relatively minor offence that doesn't deserve it

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 26/09/2025 21:50

Next year I would get a babysitter and go out with your dp alone. If your children ask tell them why you are celebrating without them. At 8 and 10 they absolutely should know how to behave.

TheSkyLooksBeautifulTonight · 26/09/2025 21:51

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 21:36

@TheSkyLooksBeautifulTonight he is their Dad and took the lead in dealing with it tonight because it’s my birthday.

Ordinarily I’d be the one dealing with and putting a stop to it.

Sorry yes, I see I pretty much cross posted with you telling someone else he is. The way you phrased the opening post as you and the kids, who you (singular ) prioritise, fund, organise and and so on seemed like one single parent family entity, then you and your partner an entity, and then it read as though your partner was throwing his weight around taking the lead on dragging out open ended house arrest type thing...
Obviously if he's their dad it's different, it just read oddly.

Sorry your birthday has been a disappointment, but don't drag it out - talk to them at breakfast and clear the air, then go out as planned.

Please be honest about it spoiling your birthday (but please don't cry and wail - as a daughter of a mother who tried - successfully for the first twenty years - to manipulate me into doing what she wanted by crying or having tantrums and making me responsible for her emotions and for my younger siblings' emotions too, from the age of seven onwards, there is a huge difference between being honest about feeling hurt, and crying deliberately in the hope of making your child feel guilty, or shouting).

user1476613140 · 26/09/2025 21:51

FiatLuxAdAstra · 26/09/2025 21:43

Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner

At 10 and 8, they were likely irritable because they were hungry and you had no plans for dinner and really were focussed on getting a drink down at the pub.

they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed.

What did you feed them for dinner if you had nothing in for dinner?

The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

Protesting your ridiculous over the top punishment for what was simply a sibling outburst.

more of a sudden explosion! It came out of nowhere and we reacted immediately and they were sent to their rooms but then the 2 hour pity party started. I’m pretty strict..

You are VERY strict and your punishment teaches them nothing. There is zero teaching from you on conflict resolution. You’re just teaching them to avoid all disagreements and conflicts.

We’d planned a day out to an event tomorrow but we both agree they shouldn’t be rewarded after this.

After what? Protesting what was definitely an extreme reaction and harsh punishment, you are going to double down and make sure tomorrow will be even worse.

Your parenting is terrible.

Edited

Offer some constructive advice then? Rather than berating someone's parenting?

If you haven't got anything nice to say....

Strangely enough when emotions are running high it's not always easy to think straight. Hindsight is a wonderful thing...

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 26/09/2025 21:51

Tbh sounds like the issue is your partner. Your kids are being typical kids. Why hasn't he planned or done anything for you all day? Then you wouldn't feel so cross when the kids kicked off? And why have they been locked in their rooms all evening separately? Surely you just calm them down and get them out the house. Or get them into bed and order a takeaway. Sounds like your partner needs to make a lot more effort and you need to be a bit less submissive in it all.

Bluecat7 · 26/09/2025 21:51

You all sound very dramatic. If it’s your birthday and you want certain things to happen then make sure things are better organised next time round. Especially on a Friday mid-term. Your children’s behaviour was pretty awful, but they possibly realise that. Do something nice altogether tomorrow instead.

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 21:52

FiatLuxAdAstra · 26/09/2025 21:48

That is what I would have done.

One child threw a glass jar across a room. We don’t class that as minor. Plus neither would calm down despite the time out and I refuse to take screaming kids out in to the street.

OP posts:
BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 26/09/2025 21:53

Catsbreakfast · 26/09/2025 21:21

Being upset by hurtful behaviour and having your appetite spoiled by it isn’t drama queen behaviour, it’s a normal reaction.

Wallowing around, not eating because your kids had a bit of a barny is dramatic

Sunflower459 · 26/09/2025 21:55

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 21:32

@RavenPie a big part of it is because I am the breadwinner and don’t want to out financial pressure on my partner. Not to invite attacks on him, he does a lot and does try for my birthday, but I’m the default organiser as well and tend to not plan anything because it would be another thing for me to plan and pay for.

Sounds like this has compounded feelings of exhaustion you already had as a result of being overstretched, OP. Always being the one to make plans is actually a lot of emotional labour.

FiatLuxAdAstra · 26/09/2025 21:56

user1476613140 · 26/09/2025 21:51

Offer some constructive advice then? Rather than berating someone's parenting?

If you haven't got anything nice to say....

Strangely enough when emotions are running high it's not always easy to think straight. Hindsight is a wonderful thing...

I seconded a later post as well as saying “ instead of defusing” and other bits that are constructive advice in my post. It’s not my fault you can’t see them.

I am not going to cheer on what is so obviously terrible parenting that is only going to push kids off the rails by the time they are 13,

cestlavielife · 26/09/2025 21:56

Why didn't you order yourself a takeaway.
Why did you martyr yourself?

my whole life is focused on these kids

Well stop . Carve a life for you as well
Strike a balance !

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 21:57

cestlavielife · 26/09/2025 21:56

Why didn't you order yourself a takeaway.
Why did you martyr yourself?

my whole life is focused on these kids

Well stop . Carve a life for you as well
Strike a balance !

The issue of a takeaway has already been explained.

OP posts:
Thethingswedoforlove · 26/09/2025 21:57

@Fluffalumpper we share a birthday. I’m older than you. Just wanted to send a big happy birthday and an un mny hug. I hope there can be some making up for it this weekend from them.