Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

It sounds like you may be making jibes and comments and he's picking up on the undercurrents of contempt and embarrassment from you, while you're trying to disguise them as just being sarcastic. And that will erode your relationship pretty fast. You don't love him. Let him find someone who does. Sort your finances so that you can leave because it's not ethical to stay and let him pay for everything when you don't even sound like you like him, let alone love.

The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive

Except it is. You walk on egg shells to avoid his anger. That’s not good. Not good at all.

I don't know what I would do.
I can understand that you are fond of him, and that he is a good dad, and that you have a good life together, but I would not like to be with someone with anger issues.

I would not care about the age thing that much, he is almost 50, in a few years you will be almost 40, etc.

But do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

‘I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying.’

Well, you were. Why the need for the smile, implying he’s a liar? Why couldn’t you take his word for it?

I’d find it hard to live with your little digs and snide comments too. You know you’re doing it, so why no self-reflection? Why don’t you stop?

You could stay and play nice?

What a terrible thing to say. How about, you know - actually being nice, genuinely, instead of letting someone else live a lie? Poor guy.

You sound like you dont really like him op.

You clearly don’t like him and he obviously realises. Don’t stay for the money, it won’t make either of you happy in the long run.
And, whether you realise it or not, 47 isn’t old. You can both meet other people who suit you more.

Are you sure that the sarcastic digs aren’t a result of you resenting that you’re trapped in this relationship?

I think that a lot of people are with their partner for money until they cheat because they meet a person who makes them “happy”. As long as you don’t meet anyone that gets your pulse racing then you could stay with your partner but watch out once your son is an adult and not living at home.

‘I know this will make me sound awful…’

Yep, you do, unfortunately. Poor bloke.

I think for a relationship to work you both have to play nice, as you put it. If being nice to him makes you feel you are “censoring” yourself because your instinct is to be a bit contemptuous/sarcastic then I think you are going to find it harder and harder to avoid triggering his defensiveness and causing rows. It sounds like you’ve gone through indifference and you’re into the “ick” phase - you haven’t really said what if anything you like about him other than he’s a good dad and a good provider. Both those things are often enough but if you no longer even like him, you really won’t end up providing a happy family home for your son.

I don’t usually recommend it but honestly I think this is a case for counselling for yourself. Find out if there is any part of you that likes him enough to commit to a lifetime with him.

You leave him and let him find happiness with someone who’s not ashamed or embarrassed by him.

Relationships don’t have to be ecstatic, but you really need to think in terms of trying to respect him both to his face and behind his back, whatever happens next. This is the father of your child.

14 years is a big gap. I’ve known people do fine with bigger gaps than that, but it sounds as if you are struggling to be loving at the moment. Has anything but the numbers actually changed recently?

That’s a very harsh comment. As if I would ever want our son to be without his dad.

Ever heard of “THE 7 YEAR ITCH”

If you loved him you wouldn’t care what anyone thought of his age.
the relationship is over.
Now you’ve put it in writing will make it real.

Unless you’re going through a phase,

could it be THE 7 YEAR ITCH

AI Overview

+14

The "seven-year itch" is a popular term for the idea that satisfaction in a long-term relationship, like a marriage, declines around the seven-year mark, leading to feelings of restlessness, boredom, or unhappiness. While not a literal itch, it's an idiom suggesting a potential turning point where couples may consider separation or infidelity. The concept was popularized by the 1955 film The Seven Year Itch and relates to the fading of the initial "honeymoon phase" and the onset of routine.

Honestly OP I’d stick at it, if you think you can be more respectful and loving towards him, so the family home wouldn’t be awkward or toxic for your son.

ok so he doesn’t light your fire or give you butterflies - you could absolutely go and find someone who does, but honestly it sounds like the rest of your life would be hard! Plus there is never a guarantee on how long the fire lasts in a relationship like that.

The peace of mind a financially stable life gives with young children is worth it’s weight in gold - I don’t think I’d swap the mental load and struggles of being a single mum to hopefully find another man!

plenty will disagree.

Without yet reading any of the other comments so just typing my response on the basis of your OP, I’d leave him OP. You need to set him free

Surely the kindest thing here is for you to leave the relationship and allow him to move on and find someone who he can be happy with?

You’ve always been embarrassed by his age but chose to have a child with him? Sorry those two things don’t add up. You talk about him as a commodity - he cannot fail to pick up on this. He’s great because of what he can give you, but you don’t love him and to deflect from that you throw in him getting pissed off at a comment you made so he’s definitely the bad guy.

Honest truth? I think you stuck around for the lifestyle he could give you. Maybe it is the seven year itch - but truly you haven’t been in love with him for a while have you?

Happy to be told I am wrong. But if you aren’t happy, that stuff will filter through to your child sooner or later. Plus everyone deserves love - both him and you. I would end this charade as it’s fundamentally unfair. On both of you actually.

Ofcourse you wouldn't. I understand where you're coming from. I'm no longer in love with my dh although I love him. If I were to break up with him it would be devastating for the children. One is autistic so I can't work.

Ask him to come to couples therapy because maybe life could be a little more peaceful if you both learn how to communicate better. Meanwhile just try not to be sarcastic with him. I have to think about this when I talk to my 15 y old son because he takes everything literally. I told him the other day that soon he wouldn't make it through the door because he was getting so tall. He started crying and asked where he was going to live. I could have bitten my tongue.

So you talk to him in a way that you know he doesn't understand and triggers him? That is a bit abusive and bullying I would say. I can be dry and sarcastic but I am not with people l know don't understand it. Whatever you decide to do I would suggest being a bit nicer to him.

It honestly sounds to me as if neither of you really likes the other.

There are a lot of underlying tensions which probably point to your relationship actually being over, but neither of you want to actually end it.

I think if you decide to stay, you should think about what YOU can do to make your relationship better. Stop being sarcastic and making little digs, for one thing. Be good to him. Be loving and kind. Even if you don't feel that you're in love with him, if you choose to stay with him for financial security, you can still be a good partner to him.

Or you can decide to end it and hope that you both find someone else to love.

But I don't think you can have it both ways - get to stay and have the money but make no sacrifices in return.

Having said that, if he is actually abusive to you, then you should leave no matter what. It sounds like you're sarcastic and contemptuous towards him and he's responding to that. But that might not be the right reading. Is he abusive towards you?

I don’t think it’s harsh at all, that’s a horrible comment of yours!

poor bloke