Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

And interesting that you’re “in your prime” at 44 and some guy who’s three years older than you, would have been a few classes above you at school, most of society would view you as more or less the same age, is an old man, soon to be incontinent and needing round the clock care. Okay then.

I was in a very similar situation years ago. He wasn't loads older than me but I felt like you do, wasn't in love with him but he took care of us (I had 3 kids with him). I felt terrible as I knew I didn't love him deep down but we'd been together since I was 18 and I didn't realize the relationship would move as fast as it did (I got pregnant quite quickly). I made the decision to leave him in 2017 and it was hell I won't lie, he was absolutely devastated and I felt like everyone judged me and thought I was an awful person. But I knew I was doing the right thing, I couldn't live my life not knowing true love and I couldn't prevent him from it either. He moved on quite fast and is still with that woman today, he's very happy. I stayed single for 5 years as I didn't want to rush a relationship and end up in the wrong one again. I met my partner 3 years ago and I am actually in love with him and so glad I did leave my ex. It was awful at the time but it's definitely turned out for the best. So I can only share my experience, it takes immense strength to take the plunge and do it but I think it's worth it if it means you can both actually be truly happy in the future. My kids adapted well to the split (they were 7,8 and 10 at the time) so don't worry about that either

No he doesn’t. I pay my way as I said in a previous post.

You should get a better paying job, save some money and move out with your DS. If he’s a good Dad don’t fight him for equal custody.

You're too young at 33 to settle for a man you’re not in love with, and he deserves to find genuine happiness with someone else too.

Exactly. Men deteriorate fast if they don't look after themselves after a certain age.

This!!! It sounds very much like your husband finds it nasty. Also, why the hell would you be embarrassed about his age?! It really sound like you’re actually not very nice to him at all. Let the poor man go and find someone who’ll treat him better.

Errr okay. I mean generalisations like that are total rubbish but just fyi loads of people say the same about women. How would you like it if someone said you were past it and would need your arse wiped in 10 years?

OP, I'm a sarcastic person by nature but seriously, read the room. A comment about him being sure his suitcase being full isn't sarcasm, it's condescension.

It honestly sounds like you don't like him, but you have a nice set up financially and you're more interested in not losing that than not losing him. If money wasn't the main factor keeping you there, you wouldn't have mentioned it.

There would have been the loudest of screams of cocklodging, CFery and LTB if the shoe was on the other foot here so do you both a service and call it all off.

The age gap is a bit of a red herring aside from the fact that lying about his age is a bit immature - you're more worried about what other people think about the man you're supposed to marry (!) than being genuine about your relationship

Many couples survive for the sake of interest only, In some cultures it is common to have arranged marriages purely on convenience and everyone is happy with it.

I won't judge you or pity him, I would suggest though, if you want to act like many gold diggers do, do it with a smile. It is a choice to stay together out of interest, and if this is your choice, do it with full agreement with yourself. Like you go to work and you would expect that it is for the matter of finance, not pleasure. In this type of marriages the balance is found because you know there are no feelings involved, it's transactional. So it's your choice to stay, and if you are, make yourself and him a favour and try to get the best time. You don't clearly love him and you are not obligated to stay, and have advantages if you do.
Except please note that he's not old enough to leave you with a substantial inheritance when you're young enough to enjoy it.
You clearly don't love him so accept it for what it is, convenience. Or be brave and leave, put all of this energy into building a life that is really fit for you, with a guy you like having around.

I am quite surprised about your story, as a foreigner I truly admire that British women are so independent, there is lots of social security so it shouldn't be too difficult to live happy and on your own.

Alternatively, with a positive attitude where you are now.

What on earth are you on about? Do you really think that people in their 60’s are past it and need caring for. I'm 61, my husband is 66 and we feel young & healthy as does everyone else of our age that we know. Maybe by the time I'm 90 I may be needing a bit of help but definitely not for the next 20+ years. Get real!! And stop insulting people who are middle aged in their 60's it's not old.

He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go.

You really need to do this man a favour and let him go.

He deserves better than a partner who is embarrassed by his age and lies to her colleagues about it. There's no way your comments are "innocent."

PP seems convinced she's in the first flush of youth at 44 but a bloke a mere 3 years her senior is ready to be carried out.

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I don’t think that considering your likely standard of living as a single mother vs your standard of living as part of a couple is unreasonable.

I think you need to think about what the future will look like. When you’re 50, he’ll presumably be thinking about retiring. Will you be able to retire at the same time or will you have to continue to work to fund your (by then) teenage child, plus your partner’s retirement? I have a colleague in this situation and, frankly, it does not look fun.

When you’re 65 and contemplating retirement he’ll be pushing 80. Lots of people travel a lot in early retirement - between about 65 and 75 - but obviously that becomes trickier and riskier the older you get.

Also, do life insurance policies pay out if someone just dies of old age? Surely not - that would mean every policy would have to pay out eventually because death is absolutely guaranteed and would make them fabulously expensive. So when you say he’s put you on his life insurance so you’re always cared for, surely that just means if he dies unexpectedly?

Yes men do, because they project constantly.

I wouldn't care because it's very far removed from the truth.

The age gap is a factor. So is your DS happiness & stability.
And in most relationships, you have to work hard at making the magic happen.
Become more financially independent, look deep within, be fair to both of you. Good luck.

Be nicer to him, and don't make sarcastic remarks about him. If he feels he is being constantly criticised, he will get "aggressively defensive".
Have you any idea what it feels like to be constantly criticised? Well I do. It's soul-destroying, and makes you feel like nothing you do is ever right, or ever "good enough"

I have a sharp, dry sense of humour yes but it’s not nasty.

People like that are usually not very nice, they tend to be a bit bitchy and passive aggressive…..are you a bit of bitchy?

Sounds like you love him but are not in love with him.

The age difference need not be a factor; lots of people have much older partners.

Can he/you/both consider therapy? CBT is the best type in my opinion.

If he has PTSD, the only way to tackle is therapy. He is highly strung but there is no place for sarcasm. Kindness can really help. Try planning some family fun with your son, let your child be the focus. A secure family unit should be the goal.

I think honesty and a relaxed environment may be a gateway for discussion as to how you both move forward as a couple or separated? Where do you want to be in 5 or 10 years time? Your son will pick up on disharmony.

Good luck!

He loves me very much and pays all the bills

You said it yourself OP

He pays the house bills. I pay childcare . The mortgage is split.

Immensely true, yes the person whomever's on the receiving end of sarcasm, is the one whom's got the right, to determine whether or not, it's humorous 💚
Extremely well stated

Sarcasm is never humourous, it is always spiteful and is the lowest form of wit. It is designed to be derogatory to the person it is aimed at. Don't use it it is always hurtful.

Ok. I see. Initially it seemed as though he's covering everything.

Why does the cliche, "can't have your cake and eat it as well" spring to mind?