Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

Sorry OP, you say you're not in love with him, you're using him for money/lifestyle which I don't think was your intention when you actually started your relationship. He sounds like a grumpy old man. Maybe he wasn't always like this, maybe he was a catch when you actually got together but this is who he's evolved into. You could have a relationship with someone else who is as wealthy if not more so if that's what matters to you. It probably is better for your child in this particular circumstance to have both parents around rather than broken up parents.

You say you own a house together, yet aren't married. Did he pay for the house too?

If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds)

Most marriages are OP.

People get married so they have legal entitlements.

What would you do if your son in your position? Personally I wouldn't marry him. He can be an amazing father but a shitty partner. But money makes the world go around and many people marry for money. You certainly will have company that way as you walk up the aisle.

Embarrassed by his age, but not his money, though.

And you are abusive to him with your constant sarcastic comments. It's a very unhealthy dynamic.

You can’t conceal your dislike of him and that’s why you wind him up. He then reacts in anger.

Its not a nice relationship to raise a child together.

I honestly had to double check the user name to make sure this wasn't something I'd written and it had been resurrected. I'm a few years on from you but exactly the same situation, 14 year age gap and we bicker endlessly. We have a wildly different communication style, I'm sarcastic and resolve issues with friends/colleagues/partners by teasing and making issues light-hearted, I will easily own up to my own flaws of which I have many. This doesn't work well with him and what could be resolved with quick apologies or teasing becomes a row. I do resent the age gap, I resent that he doesn't make an effort to keep himself healthier given the age gap, although I don't tell him that.

On the positive side, he is a very present father and our children are an age where I think they would really be effected by us splitting. Financially it would be very difficult too. I discussed it with a family member recently and their advice went against what everyone always says online, and that was to stick it out for the kids sake.

For me, I can only see my situation getting gradually worse as he ages more, but a split will be easier on the children and family and also financially once our kids are adults. But in your situation I suppose wether you are done having children also has an impact on your decision and it's easier to move on with just having one younger child, as they are more adaptable at that age.

Feel free to PM me, for questions or venting that won't be judged.

I feel sorry for him.

Don't stay in a loveless relationship. That's my view. 😃

Your partner deserves someone who loves him. You are not happy, and it is apparent and will become apparent to your child, if it isn't already.

You do not love your partner. You love his money and how much you can and will get. GREAT example for your son.

I know, you are going to cry how harsh this is. Well, I just got told today that the love of my life has got stage 4 prostate cancer, so I win in the "harsh" department. So, give your head a wobble and do what is right for your partner (and son).

If you loved him or were in love with him his age wouldn't bother you, nor what other people would think.

We get one life, we owe it to ourselves to live the best we can and be happy, same goes for your partner. Sounds like you both should go out and meet someone new who will make you both happier.

Am so sorry to hear it, hard news. Sending hugs.

I’ve been with my DP nearly as long as you’ve been with yours and we have never had an argument (yes really!) We laugh until our sides hurt. We are always kind to each other. Every week that passes I find new things to love and respect about him, and find him more and more attractive. The sex just seems to keep getting better too. I genuinely can’t think of a single thing about him that I don’t like or that I’d change. That sounds like a stark contrast to how you feel. He’s not your one, all you’re doing is wasting each other’s time here. You were young when you got together and I promise that life doesn’t have to be the way yours is.

I’ve also been with an older partner in the past and suddenly after a couple of years the age did become an ick. That doesn’t go away, because they don’t start getting younger.

This has run its course.

Also your son will adjust. He is young. You are not modeling what a healthy relationship looks like.

Exactly this.. I am 44 and my DH is 55. He's always been a bit of a more mature person in his ways, even when younger, but I would never describe him as ancient!

OP, the way you talk about your poor DH, anyone might think he was 75 not 50! Poor guy! Give him a break.

BUT - when you are on your death bed, will you be pleased that you chose someone else's money over your own personal satisfaction in your one and only precious life?

You are making a terrible cruel mistake which will wreck both your life and his. Perhaps if you were best friends, but not this shoddy "well, I can nearly manage to tolerate him for his money" stuff.

Has someone else caught your eye, OP?

Yes I’m wondering if his “anger issues” are in fact a response to the OP’s sarcasm which can be a form of bullying.

Sarcasm really is the lowest form of wit.

I'm confused as to why the negative reaction to you. The age and finance stuff aren't the main thing I hear here.

What I'm hearing is that this is a man whose anger issues mean that he is ruining days and holidays with no warning, and you're having to try to censor yourself even though it's unpredictable.

That's called walking on eggshells.

I am wondering if the way you feel about him now as opposed to how you used to is based on his behaviour.

Looks like you are getting a hard time here OP

but but but also having a young child us hard and exhausting and things add up. I pretty much hated my husband at that stage 🤣
i would try to see if things improve with child getting older. You are still in the trenches. Everyone is irritable.
if you both can have some time off child duty it might help (but not immediately)
im a much more loving person after enough sleep and some space to myself

Oh no this sounds so familiar. My DH is probably an undiagnosed on the spectrum, so he's always been quite antisocial, very much set in his ways, quite inflexible, and very much a homebody who's content with the small cheaper family outings and occasions, and going to gigs that interest him more.

Our 11 year age gap means he is a child of the 70s, and I am one of the 80s, so he's always been into Star Wars, Doctor Who etc. I'm definitely more of a Back to the Future girl lol 😆 😄

But, we also have three wonderful children, and he is loving, kind, supportive, and very dependable. He dotes on our children and I know he's always happy to be there for them, in spite of having quite a temper too (I wonder if this is an autistic thing?!)

I love him very much but worry about the future, his age, health etc. I'm not too healthy and haven't been for years. He's been with me through a lot of incredibly hard and stressful things, including ne having a head injury, mental breakdown, movement disorder, and watching my brother passing away.

I'm actually very fortunate to be with him but if I didn't love him, letalone like him, we would need to reconsider. I'd say that the OP needs to do some soul searching a bit possibly too.

The older I get the more I detest sarcastic people, it’s just thinly veiled nastiness and often comes from a place of bitterness, it’s also never funny

Drop the sarcasm and grow up, also 47 isn’t old and your age gap is not unusual

Good for you 🙄

It wasn’t a bragging post, more pointing out that if you are with the right person it’s a completely different feeling to what OP describes her relationship to be like. And I had to rattle through a lot of the wrong ones before I found the right one, so I know the difference! Life is too short to be living in animosity and feeling unfulfilled. It sounds like she drifted into this relationship when she was young and now she’s woken up and smelled the coffee.