Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

Yes, you do sound awful. Really awful. I feel sorry for him.

'I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go."

Oh, so you're a passive aggressive bully that constantly makes 'jokes' at his expense then refuses to take accountability for your actions? Got it.

Well no. He’s much closer to 50 (3 years away) than she is to 40 (7 years away) which is still a decade younger than 50.

And by the time she is 40 he will be 55.

I’m late 30s (nearly 40) and even I wouldn’t date a man as old as that so I get it. I wouldn’t have entertained a man 15 years older than me especially at 33. It’s a shame for both of them that Op ignored her gut on this one.

It sounds to me like you’re a smart-ass.

I like that in a girl.
But your beau obviously doesn’t like it or he doesn’t get it.
If you love somebody, you try to meet them half way.
Have you (really and truly) tried to meet him half way? Have you toned down the smart assiness? Has HE lightened up in order to meet YOU half way?
I was unsuccessful in my marriage to an older man. He was selfish and set in his ways and I was young and bewildered.
I was truly, madly in love with him, but sometimes love is not enough.
And here’s another tidbit of wisdom for you: not I nor any other person here can really tell you what to do: that decision, my sweet little smart-ass, is yours and yours alone.
But you’re smart - you’ll make the right one.
Sending love from far away. ❤️

You are getting a lot of flack on here op but having read your opening post again, I admire your honesty.

It’s usually not good though to avoid making a decision because of the fear and uncertainty that lies on the other side of it.

That’s easy to say though when you don’t have a three year old to look after. You have to consider everyone in the picture, not just yourself, but children mostly do well when their parents are happy.

And why is your only other option moving back in with your parents? Could you move somewhere cheaper or work on your career so you can afford somewhere of your own?

How do you think you would cope living and working alone and being alone with your child at night, doing the school run alone, having to cope with illness alone? Or would you rely on your parents for that? It’s not easy to go backwards in life sometimes. And what about the impact on your parents? It’s a big thing you would be asking of them.

The other consideration is your partner’s anger issues and PTSD. It’s not good that you are walking on eggshells and don’t feel you can be yourself around him. Is he getting help for that? If you and your partner split, would you be happy leaving your child with someone with anger issues?

My advise would be that whichever decision you make, you both need to discuss it between you and own it. And take responsibility,

So if you get married, he needs to take responsibility for his anger issues and treatment for his PTSD and get less serious and find some other hobbies other than watching the news. Is he depressed do you think?

And if you get married, you need to work on your sarcasm and get some therapy to find out why your partner turning 50 “freaks you out” as that is not a normal reaction. You need to work out why his age has always been an issue for you?

Because that one is obviously not going to get any easier and the difference between fifty and sixty is quite significant. There are lots of older dads out there now though!

Also, can you work on becoming more independent?

Could you go to couples counselling and work on really being loving and understanding towards your partner? Love is a verb after all. What caused his PTSD for example? Can he talk to you about it?

Could it be you settled for your partner because you wanted a child? And now the consequences of that decision are impacting you? If that is the case then it would be wrong to use him further,

Maybe the freaking out is the realisation that you actually don’t want to be with him any longer? And in those circumstances, it would be hard to feel good in yourself, if you know you are using your partner without having any respect for him? If you do that, you might lose respect for yourself too. And splitting up when your child is older might be harder for them.

Just throwing all of the above out there as food for thought op. Good luck with your decision. Whatever you do, own it, don’t stay with him and feel resentful. If you decide to stay, it needs a proper commitment from both of you to do better and spend time together, and get baby-sitters and go out regularly as a couple without your child. If possible, get back to a proper loving and supportive relationship. If that’s impossible, make the hard decision and do the hard thing. 💐

I do think it’s sad and they should never have got together if she feels ashamed of his age but he’s Gen X actually not an older millennial. Oldest millennials right now are about 43/44.

A 14 year age gap is a lot for some us including me.

It’s only on MN I see these significant gaps but irl all my circle are married to men within a few years or even months of their age! Except a few who married men 8-10 years older or women 8-10 years younger.

And I’m a bit wary of men who wait until they are older to settle down then date significantly younger women as well. Very often they are looking for women to manipulate, control or using them to feel young again. It’s often wrapped up with misogynistic thinking.

I do resent the age gap, I resent that he doesn't make an effort to keep himself healthier given the age gap, although I don't tell him that.

Yah this is the issue with a lot of these older men, their idea of staying fit and young is getting with a fit and young woman 😆

I usually don’t do older men but I went on one date with a 46 year old when I was 35. I turned up and he was smoking and guzzling his first drink without even waiting for me.

He claimed it was his first drink of the night but I doubted it. He looked a bit tipsy.

I could tell it wasn’t nerves or anything and this was just his lifestyle and he was going to be a problem so I ended the date quickly.

You don't love him, or even sound like you like him. Cruel to stay for financial gains alone. Assume he loves you and believes that is replicated.
Let the guy free to find someone who could actually love and desire him, and you could find the same

My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

Well don’t get married for starters.

Leave him. He deserves someone who loves him and won’t get “freaked out” at the fact he’s nearly 50.

Please do him a favour and leave.

End the relationship for your child - a 3 year old shouldn’t be around parents who don’t like each other.

Your son is 3 not a baby... start focusing hard on my own career / improving your earnings and leave at the earliest opportunity.

You arent married (& shouldnt get married) you will get close to sweet FA when you leave.. .

For the duration I stayed I'd be focusing on improving the relationship by being nicer and saving my sarcasm for others. Do this to ensure a nicer environment for your child if nothing else. You need a minimum 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions i'd be aiming for more like 10

He has anger issues. You argue a lot.

Neither of you likes the other.

You don’t love him (and I’d say the jury is out as to whether he loves you).

You’re not married.

This is toxic as fuck and the longer it goes on, the worse it will get.

Just bloody end it.

I agree with this. I think OP that you could suggest relationship counselling to him, but that if he doesn’t agree or think it necessary, then go on your own.

I agree the smoking is grim, but “guzzling” his first drink without even waiting for you? What was he supposed to do, sit with a glass of tap water until you graced him with your presence?
And you “could tell” it wasn’t nerves or anything? On a first date with someone whom, by definition, you don’t know very well? You could just tell? Righto
It sounds very much like you went on this date feeling like he should be grateful to spend time with a “young fit woman”……..

Oh my, only wouldn't want him dead so your son has his dad.

It's not a nice atmosphere for your son to be around and I think he deserves two happier, seperate, parents.

Your personality would drive me away OP. I can't bear snide or sarc. Be open faced or nothing.

I think you would both be happier apart. Don't marry.

You sound like you are just with him because he pays your bills.

isn’t there a name for that?

It's not a question of what we would do. You have good insight into your situation and know that you are in a transactional relationship with someone you dislike and who is too old for you. It comes down to what you want to do about it? You have to make the decision.

I think that's quite a common situation for the end of the relationship - people staying together because they can't comfortably live apart. What's the name for that - practicality?

Is there? What is it??

I think most here are being too harsh on the OP. We don't all live in an ideal world with perfect partners, perfect relationships, the ability to be autonomous if necessary. Most people just make the best of their lot. At least the OP is being honest and venting about it here.

I'd ease up on the sarcasm though

I agree with others tbh - you come across as someone who like all the material advantages of your situation, but not the person that that comes with it.

I don't know what I would do. I'd probably stay tbh as I'm a bit 'anything for an easy life,' but only you can make that call. I feel a bit sorry for both of you.

so what is the answer?
you stay forever with the hope of his good pension?

Don’t lead him on, especially when he’s providing for you. Make and pay your own way.

IMO there is truth in every sarcastic joke; you may think it’s funny or lighthearted but your true feelings are slowly showing through them and he probably senses it.

I hope he turns the tables on you and says his had enough and you are too young for him and he can't put up with your childish sarcastic ways, and that you won't get his pension and he will make sure your child is cared for and he has put the house on the market and you wont benefit at all from his inheritance.
You sound like your superior because your younger.