Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

Have you spoken to him about feeling your relationship isn't the best at the moment? They don't call it the 7 year itch for nothing, it's very common to go from the honeymoon, wonderful era to one that doesn't feel quite so settled.

This can happen with age gap relationships. To a 26yo, a decent looking 40yo man with his own house, grown up job and the rest would seem really glamorous and attractive. Being a 33yo mum with a nearly 50yo partner is maybe less exciting than it was

I don't know how to read your op tbh...either he is a bit bad tempered and you're walking on eggshells which has made your relationship feel rockier or you don't really like him all that much, but he's very convenient

I agree. If I had my time again I would have done anything to make it work. Some people adapt to being a single mum with ease, I didn't.

Do the honest thing. Leave. You and your child will still receive financial support and he gets the chance to meet someone else. Let's face it. You dont want to be with him. If you stay you'll just leave when your child has left home anyway, do why wait. A child won't want to grow up in s toxic relationship. Much better to do it now than leave it. You can both move on.

I don’t understand why you feel embarrassed by his age, he isn’t that old really. My DH is slightly less older (10 years older than me) and I can honestly say I’ve never felt embarrassed by that. I think you are pinning things on his age because that’s the easiest thing (it’s not like as if you are in your 30s and he’s in his 80s - 40s are very similar to your 30s). I think you just don’t like him and are embarrassed by HIM. So therefore I agree with others, set him free. You sound like a gold digger because the only positives you list are his money.

Maybe you not in the 'mad passionate love' like when you first met? But you do still love him? Try and really get to know each other agian, spend time together. If your not happy your son will pick up on it and its not great. You deserve to be happy.

Yes you do sound pretty awful.

If the age gap has always been an issue for you then why an earth for you have a child with him?

Then why are you going on about all the money you'll get?

Imagine the roles were reversed OP and he had written that about you. Would you be thinking that a future with him was a good idea?

There’s your answer.

His age, which you don’t like, is going to become more of an issue for you; he’s not going to get any younger. Being ‘very sarcastic’ is not a pleasant character trait and will destroy your relationship anyway.

It’s not going to work long-term OP. Face up to it and leave.

A lot of people on here are keen to jump to ‘leave hmm’ which I get, nobody should stay in an unhappy relationship but equally so long as there is no abuse in play I don’t think relationships especially where kids are involved should be so disposable.
sounds like there is a lot to unpick on both sides here, you likely need to take some responsibility as by the sounds of it you could have been wearing him down over the years with snarky comments but you see this entirely his issue, there is probably somewhere in the middle.
also, he needs some more support managing his one mental health and behaviour whether he has ptsd or not, it’s not acceptable to subject someone else to rage
solo and couples therapy would do alot of good for you both if you’re ready to be brutally honest with yourselves but either way if you don’t stay together you’ve both got some unhealthy stuff going on that needs work if nothing else so you don’t subject your child to it

“The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive”

Erm. You have to censor yourself, by your own admission. Your post reads very much as if you are walking on egg shells all the time. That is toxic and not healthy 🤨 Either you get help and he addresses this behaviour, which is not acceptable, or you leave. Life is too short to be with someone you are not genuinely happy with isn’t it?!

I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed.

Thats really sad- can you imagine if anyone (friend, family member, fiancé) was so ashamed of you they lied about insignificant details (I.e told people you were a doctor instead of a nurse)? Because he’s not that old and the age gap isn’t that significant in the grand scheme of things. You’re a younger millennial and he’s an elder millennial, so essentially the same generation.

I can imagine your pure disdain for him comes out in the way you speak to him and “jokes” made at his expense. Unless you change your attitude, your relationship will remain transactional (on your side- sounds like he actually genuinely cares about you).

Very rarely do I side with the man on here but I can’t help but feel sorry for him- the way you describe your feelings towards him is unkind.

What help is he getting for the PTSD?

OP - your partner is 47, not 87. It sounds like you are waiting for him to go for his inheritance/ pension payout etc., you will most likely have a very long wait….
Free yourself from this relationship if it makes you unhappy, your now-partner will still need to provide for your son and can continue to have a relationship with him.

Seems you are not as nice you think you are. In this day and age, jibes and sarcasm are regarded as bullying. He sounds like he is highly sensitive person, or PDA, they hate, absolutely hate jibes and bad jokes. Up to you really....it is all up to you. If you were abused, I would say: Leave now. But you both are not quite all right, so perhaps just go on

Whatever his anger issues - it’s disingenuous to say that sarcastic comments are “innocent” - they’re not they’re sarky - you claim he doesn’t “get” it but he does - he knows full well you’re being arsey because you are.

We can tell you don’t like him, he probably can too.

By the sounds of it he is too.

This for sure.

and the most telling thing is the comments on here.

an argument over a suitcase? DH and I have been married 23 years, have four children under 7, and every single time a suitcase is produced we have our annual argument.

I am very pleased to see that most read this the same way as me. This is a lifestyle, green grass situation of your making.

let the poor guy find someone who loves him, for him.

I'd rather be poor and independent than use someone else for their money. You're not being fair to yourself or your partner. I don't think the age difference has to matter, but it clearly does to you and that will probably get worse as time goes on.

She's a realist. Nothing wrong with that

Your post made me think of this quotation: "She loved him. What of it? With you, she will be happy".
A lot of the best marriages aren't the ones that start with the most mad love-because that will change, with the best will in the world. Some people deliberately choose someone who they think will be a good partner, rather than something like a romance novel.
Only you can decide how you feel.
I wouldn't bother too much about the age thing (obviously if you were both much younger with a massive age gap, it might be different) as long as you generally get on-if you feel he's snappy, talk to him about it and ask why he's being like that and how it makes you feel.

Sarcasm is unnecessary all the time.

Invest in yourself and what you have by going to therapy. Don't make a life changing decision without it

Its really not about what any of us would do - it's your decision and you will have to live with the consequences.

Neither of them are great choices so just pick the least worse and make the best of it.

It doesn't really sound like the makings of a great marriage.

I was engaged to someone who made "jokey" snide / mean / sarcastic remarks a lot. Other people commented on it, but at the time I was in love and thought it was just his sense of humour. But actually these comments really damaged my confidence over the years. I'd have been very depressed and damaged by it if we'd got married and had a lifetime of it.

It sounds like you both have personality traits that don't work for each other.

Ah so when it's a woman being money grabbing and shallow, it's a good thing?!