Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

This sounds incredibly similar to my relationship. What ended up happening? Was he made the decision for me by having an affair

I agree. I think you could both benefit hugely from having therapy and getting to know yourselves. Whether the relationship continues or not, that would benefit your child and both of you enormously.

btw 47 is not that old. I am 50 and I was the op's age a blink of an eye ago. Raising children makes time pass very quickly.

How is she a money grabber????

I think you don’t love him. And you don’t want to be with him. I don’t think it’s about his age really, I just think he’s not for you. Which is really hard because you have a child and a life together. But… is it going to get better? I don’t think it will. And then, are you’re both going to get more frustrated, hostile, defensive? Probably. You both deserve better than how you’re surviving. I think you either need to go for couples therapy (I don’t know if it actually works or not but worth a try) or you split up and give yourselves the chance of future happiness. Because you’re not happy.

I kind of understand parts of your situation.

I am married to a man 15yrs my senior. We have two beautiful children.

My daughter asked me if she should marry someone older . I had to pause and answer honestly "I'd say....no. you're best meeting someone your own age so you start on an equal footing "

I love my husband. But he's not easy. I strongly suspect Asperger's. I'm lonely. He also has problems with his temper. He cannot express himself emotionally at all and cannot understand anyone else's emotions. His family are very odd. Very emotionally cold people and I paint on a smile and have done for so many years. And occasionally it gets me down. Living in this parallel universe.

It's really not all bad. (On a downer about it all today ). I walked into financial security. He's very stable and mostly predictable. But we very much started out on an unequal footing. (Ironically we earn the same ) Won't get a joint account after 15 year's together (I've given up ).

There's been terrible times. There's been lovely family times. I love our little family. I'm extremely lucky to have it. But marriage wise, it's really tough some days. I think it's partly the age gap. But probably mostly the suspected Asperger's. He doesn't feel the need to socialise, so we don't. I've lost the will and oomph to 'do it without him'. Friends have dropped off over the years. He is extremely harsh and critical about friends and family. It's wearing.

Sorry I've hijacked your thread. If you're not "happy" and you're mismatched: think carefully. It's not easy to untangle yourself from a marriage despite some people's flippancy over it.

Yeah @LolNotFunny you do sound awful. "Sarcastic" isn't a physical trait you can't change, it's a dickhead's euphemism for being a dickhead. And You're with him for his money. Also awful, in my view. If you genuinely don't know what to do, why don't you show him what you wrote here and then the ball is in his court?

It honestly sounds like you’ve used him to provide you with a baby and a nice lifestyle. You’re clearly massively incompatible and you say his age has ‘always been an issue’ and now you’re embarrassed by it? I think you’re kidding yourself when you say you stayed with him because you loved him; I think you told yourself you loved him because you liked the idea of a home and a family.

He’s your family. Start looking at him more lovingly. You aren’t obliged choosing to be dissatisfied.

Sarcasm is horrible and damaging in relationships. It’s bullying. The way to deal with the suitcase was to straightforwardly say- I really need some extra space. I know yours is full, Can I try and squeeze some stuff in?

If you manage it, don’t crow, ‘see, said it wasn’t full!”. Just be glad you managed to find a little space.

You're problem is all inside you.

In addition to my post above - I’m a very sarcastic person. Dark humour is my default response to most things and it’s so much a part of me that I’d find it almost impossible to keep a lid on that 24/7. I’d feel like I was pretending to be a different person and as if I’d lost part of myself. I obviously have to rein it in at work and with people I don’t know but I find it exhausting and I couldn’t do it at home as well.

But here’s the thing: for that reason, I would not ever enter into a relationship with someone who found that upsetting or triggering because that would make me an arsehole. I have only ever had long term relationships with people who have a similar sense of humour to mine because otherwise it’s not fair.

I can't get over the fact you are embarrassed by his age and that you actually lie to colleagues about it. I hope your partner never finds that out because that is just so hurtful and paints you in such a horrible light. It actually disgusts me.

Honestly you really should let the poor guy go and let him find someone who actually cares about him and doesnt see him as an embarrassment.

He has anger issues? PTSD? Can you explain how this is day to day?
You said you would leave if it was just you. Best to leave then. Staying for the children just gives them a blueprint of a relationship that doesn't work.

Oof. I’m a couple of years younger than you OP and to be blunt I can’t even imagine being with a man that age. That’s way too big of an age gap imo, and it sounds like you’re realising that too.

Personally I think you should do the hard work to start over now rather than letting things get any more complicated than they are at present. I really think that you will regret it if you don’t get out soon and end up wasting more years with him.

It’s quite possible he feels the same way about you (albeit too young for him)….

I think you are both at the point of needing a relationship re-set, counselling or some time apart (this could be way of one of you taking an extended break away rather then naming it as a separation).

see how you both feel after that.

No relationship is perfect but nor should it be hard work or long term dislike of the other.

You don’t like him. You stay for money. Your
post is very clear about that. Given that your DC is now full time free nursery age, how about you
coparent, earn your own money, pay for your own life insurance and let this guy find someone who loves him and not the prospect of getting some cash in hand should he die an untimely death?

You’ve said you would leave if it wasn’t for your son, so you should leave. You’ve said your partner is a good dad so your son will most likely be okay and be cared for by both of you. Life is too short to suffer an unfulfilling relationship. You don’t love him so do all three of you a favour and move on.

Sarcasm can be deeply unpleasant to be on the receiving end of. It’s rarely clever or witty.

Can you see yourself with him in 10 years time? If no, then time to make the break. Life is too short to stay unhappy.

You’re the toxic one in the relationship, using him for financial security. See him free, support you and your son yourself!

I don’t think the age gap is the problem. I don’t think you need to be head over heels in love either, for a relationship to work. At minimum you do need to like and respect each other, which doesn’t sound the case here

You keep saying you’d be provided for with pension and inheritance and stuff. But he’s only 14 years older than you - so this will come to fruition probably when you’re about 70…..

yuck You sound like a drag. Hard to say for sure but if you’re making digs all the time and just hanging around for his money, I feel sorry for him.

Read what you've written -

You are embarrassed of him.
You argue quite a lot.
He has anger issues.
You have to censor yourself.
You are not happy about the idea of marrying him despite getting engaged.
You're not in love or happy.

Is this the relationship you want your son to emulate? Do the three of you a favour and end this toxic farce of a relationship.

If you were happy, and truly loved him, his age wouldn’t be an issue.

Time to move on for both your sakes.

Were you happy and in love with him when you were on the pill and then felt differently once you weren’t on it to have your family by any chance? Just curious why the change of heart….

if you feel like this now you’ll likely never be happy and that will filter down to your child. You leaving the relationship is inevitable, it’s best to do it the younger your child is so they don’t remember you being together. Trust me it’s awful hearing them cry for the other parent who now isn’t there every night and the guilt you feel is horrendous. If you leave now they’ll never know any different. Money doesn’t matter, you can always make more. If you feel you can love him again stick at it but if you don’t it’s only a matter of time before another man turns your head and cheating is not the answer. And the longer you leave it the more it will hurt your child. Good luck

You're in this for financial reasons. He's gotten clued in and isn't appreciating your smart ass digs.

Figure out if the money is good enough to stay and suck it up or leave and find another sugar daddy. It's obvious you don't love him. You're embarrassed by the age gap. You've got contempt for him. Your comments aren't innocent and he knows it.

You know the deal. He has the power here. He's got the money you want. If you show your feelings too much, he'll dump you.

Are you working?