Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

“ until I graced him with my presence” lol

Well I was due to arrive at 7pm and it was in a new city so I had taken a couple of wrong turns. Even then I arrived at 7:02 and I know this as he mentioned it and remarked about my punctuality. As I was basically on time, yes I feel he should’ve waited for me. That’s just the bare minimum really.

I say guzzling because if you read my post you’ll see I also sensed he was tipsy so I didn’t think it was his first drink whether it was at that venue or before he left his house.

I was keeping it short but he was quite belligerent when I suggested we go somewhere we could sit inside and where it was a bit less noisier like one of the many late night cafes (I also wanted to get him away from alcohol) in the immediate area.

There were plenty of options but he was hostile and sulky about my request. I even challenged him on his attitude as he was glowering at me and speaking very coldly and passive aggressively. I was a guest in his city and he could go to this place anytime. Most guys (or even female friends ) I know would have been like sure, no big deal.

So yeah I put it down to a shitty entitled personality that thinks he can call the shots more than nerves and/or alcohol brings out the worst in him, but either way it doesn’t matter as I wasn’t comfortable. Nervous men are usually very sweet on dates even if awkward IME.

Just wanted him to be polite and considerate - and sober like most of my dates were. It was nothing to do with thinking he should be grateful for a “young fit” woman.

There's 14 years between me and my husband; we've been married 20 years. I'm the younger one. I will say that, over a 20 year period, there are points when the age gap seems wider and points where it doesn't - the older one hitting a milestone birthday is one of the points where it can seem wider, as with OP - you are "in your thirties" married suddenly to someone "in his 50s".

In terms of lifestyle, in many ways DH has a younger outlook than me - he is more adventurous and gregarious. Financially, I have always been the main earner.

What I'm saying, in summary, is that the age gap shouldn't be a factor for the OP - she needs to take the age numbers out of the equation.

There is 10 years between me and DH, it was fine when we were younger. However, when he hit his late 40’s/early 50’s the age gap started to show, and it grew bigger. I see him now as a room mate and old man. I hate the glasses he chose, and he spends the day watching TV. I go the gym and leave him to it.

You want him to change his behaviours which upset you, but you’re not going to change your behaviours which upset him?

And you’re embarrassed by his age??

I think you need to set this bloke free to find a partner who loves him for what he is.

PTSD can mean people understand things very literally, so in the suitcase example you have given, that sounds like an understandable response with that context.
Has he had therapy for his PTSD? It might help him to unpack some of what is going on for him.
No, I wouldn’t marry someone for their money and because they loved me, which is a summary of what you said, but it’s what stands out. That is a big age gap. Imagine when he is ready to retire, and you are still in your 40s. Does it sound ok?

And @LolNotFunny makes calculations about his financial use to her. She calculates how much his life is worth to her in financial terms, and tells us she doesn’t love him.

I’m usually on the woman’s side (because most men are selfish idiots), but here i think @LolNotFunny is pretty venal, if not outright toxic.

There is a feeling in your post of you not really seeing your partner as a fully rounded human being- it’s more about his positives and negatives in terms of what he can do for you. There’s no sense of what you loved about him when you got together nor why his age has become such a problem. You don’t seem to have much of an understanding of him or why he responds to you as he does. If I were you I would go into therapy to learn more about yourself and how you relate to others.

So is he paying childcare for their kid OP's looking after? Yeah thought not. So she's contributing. Bet he wouldn't do it.

OP don't stay with a man with PTSD and "anger issues." I think you are downplaying his shittiness a bit and flagellating yourself, and therefore posters are piling on. But he doesn't sound great tbh.

Walking on eggshells is usually an indicator of abuse, yes, but in this case she's having to censor herself from making nasty, sarcastic jibes about him. I would say that in a healthy relationship you SHOULD censor yourself from being nasty, and it's actually both predictable and fair to react to sarcastic digs with anger.

I say this as someone who can be quite sarcastic myself, as can DP - but we are never, ever mean, and if we unintentionally hurt the other (rare now, happened a bit in the early days) we own up and apologise.

What the fuck is the point of this? If you have something to say, say it for yourself. If we WANT to ask AI, thereby using a disproportionate quantity of water and power and contributing to the swift slide of humanity into a morass of helplessness and stupidity, we can do it for ourselves, can't we? I genuinely don't know what you think this adds. If you knew what the seven year itch was well enough to mention it in the first place, you can surely explain it for yourself, if it needs explaining (it doesn't) and if it's relevant (it probably isn't.) Use your own brain.

You say that you argue a lot.

Why would either of you want to stay in that situation let alone bring your child up in it?

The example you gave paints you badly imo.

Why should he have room in his suitcase for your stuff?

age gap aside, you don’t sound happy in the relationship.

Well, with the benefit of hindsight, whilst there is a lot to be said for passion, there is also a lot of benefit in security.

What do I think you should do?

From your description he seems like a good guy at heart, but perhaps the PTSD is creating issues that you are knowingly (sometimes) triggering.

My suggestion is to rein in the sarcastic comments, it's not nice. Your child won't like them either as they grow up and understand them. Give yourself six months, and during that time make an effort to avoid triggering him. You say you shouldn't have to censure yourself, but your are expecting him to change his reactions. You can't have it both ways.

I think the comment from your friend is quite telling. She can tell you're not happy.

Agreed.

I would suggest some counselling to unpick your behaviour.

Then depending on how that goes, maybe joint counselling

If you want a happy marriage you need to work at it and it sounds like neither of you is doing that. So try some couples counselling. Either life improves or you leave.

If you wanted to put things in his suitcase why not just say can I see if I can squeeze anything else in? Then you arent being so accusing. And why did you have more to pack than on the outward flight anyway? If you know you cant resist buying stuff leave room in the suitcase on the way out.

Imperfect (and even nasty) people can also be victims of abuse.

Asking someone if their suitcase is really full is not something that would normally cause a meltdown or accusation of lying.

Either way OP, if you decide to stay, then it might help to consider that living with this man is the price you pay for the lifestyle you want. thinking of it that way makes it more clear to you whether or not the price is worth paying.

If it were me, then my peace is worth a lot more than a nice house. Splitting up would be freedom for you both.

He’s only 47 so you’ve got a long, long road ahead if you are waiting for him to die. You could easily be in a relationship you don’t want to be in for forty more years just so you can live in a house you couldn’t afford on your own.

He can still be a good dad if you are not together. Your child will get to live in the nice house for half of the time!

There's a possibility your husband will look outside the marriage first because he isn’t happy either. You deciding to stay with him does not guarantee that you will stay together.

If you leave now, while your son is very small, having his parents live separately will be his normal. If you wait for things to get really bad before you leave, a) your son will witness all of it and b) he will be traumatized by the split thereafter..

Try to think about your son, how he is going to feel in the future, not just how you feel now. Your feelings aren't as important.

I could not stay with a man for money. My first H cheated on me. With two children we had ALL the trappings, expensive house, multiple cars, expensive holidays - he was the main earner, I was part time. I left him regardless, because I fell out of love with him, and for me, being in love is more important.

Slowly but surely I built myself back up financially, and I am now married to a man that I am in love with. The children are now adults, and doing well.

When your child goes to Uni (assuming he does), your DH will be 62 and you will be 48. How does that land?

You don't love him. Start building up your career and earning potential, so that you at least have more options.

@LolNotFunny you are being unfair to yourself and to him. You both deserve to be with someone who loves you just as you are.

Don’t stay just because you will be financially stable, it’s not fair on him.

But you fail to mention you being without a partner. Speaks volumes.

I think couples still "in love" after years and years are very lucky indeed

I could have written your OP myself years ago. When I was 20 I married a man 12 years older than me and we started a family. Once the newborn and toddler years were over (he was fantastic with the children and home, very supportive) unfortunately there was just no romantic relationship left and the resentment set in. I had no sexual feelings towards him and he didn't appear to be bothered with me either. He was very much an 'old man' set in his ways and there was just no joy. We managed to have a stable but very transactional relationship for 20 years. Mostly sexless. I left age 42, met a new man a while after and have never been happier!

I wish I'd left earlier to be honest, but I was scared of coping on my own and didn't want to break the family up I guess.

I would say don't waste the next 20 years of your life though if it can't be salvaged.

OP, his anger and lack of control is a huge issue.
Of course you are weighing up the practicalities of the real world.
I think your indifference with turn to hate because of his anger issues.
I think you need to quietly be looking at your realistic options.
Obviously no further children.
Look at childcare, hours you can get and how it would work if you were to do it alone.
Tell him that you are having a serious rethink as his anger issues and your communication difficulties are making you rethink the relationship.

I understand your ick at him being so much older.
If you really loved him it wouldn't matter so much But you don't.
You see an angry older man, with anger issues.
You are right to be having a rethink.