Genuinely, what the hell do I do?

[LolNotFunny]

I know this will make me sound awful but I really need some advice because I have no one to talk to in real life. My fiancé is 47, I’m 33 and we have a 3 year old. We have been together for 7 years. He is a good dad. His age has always been a bit of an issue for me but I loved him so much so we carried on. Recently though I have found myself increasingly more bothered by it. I have lied to my colleagues about his age because I was embarrassed. The fact he’s nearly 50 freaks me out. We argue quite a lot. He has PTSD so has some anger issues and can become really defensive at the most innocent of comments. I’m very sarcastic which he doesn’t get and just sees as criticism or me having a go. I feel like I have to censor myself sometimes and I find this really hard. We have gone from having a nice day one moment then one comment is made by me and it turns into a big argument over literally nothing. I remember the other year on the last day of our holiday I literally just said something about not believing there was no more room in his suitcase with a smile as I had more to pack and he flew off the handle basically saying I was accusing him of lying. He is quite serious and obsessed with the news. We are engaged. My friend once asked if it would be the happiest day of my life because she said she can’t wait to marry her partner. I honestly don’t feel that way. If we got married, it would be transactional (I know how cold that sounds). We own a house together. I couldn’t afford to live here without him. He loves me very much and pays all the bills, has taken life insurance out so we are always cared for, I would be entitled to his pension and he is likely set to inherit a substantial amount of money, enough to clear the mortgage. The relationship is by no means toxic or abusive, our son is happy. I’m just not in love and happy. I’m not unhappy per see, probably a little indifferent. I could stay and play nice. If it was just us, I’d have left I think but we have our son and I have to think about the life we can give him as a couple versus just me. I could move back in with my parents but I love our home and I know me and my son are financially protected. The money etc. shouldn’t be a factor but unfortunately it is. My question is with all of the above, what would you do?

I imagine a man in his 40’s can appear pretty sorted when you are in your 20’s, that can be really appealing. I’ve advised younger women on here to steer clear of the old men for precisely whats happened to OP. My DH is 7 yrs older than me and I love him to bits but even that gap can feel a bit big sometimes. 13 years is going to be difficult for a lot of people. Sorry but a 40yr old man getting hitched to a 26yr old isn’t a victim. If my DD bought someone home with that age gap, I’d see him as predatory tbh. I don’t care of people think I’m being mean for saying that. I’m in my 40’s, 20 year olds seem like kids to me, definitely don’t want to shag one.

OP just jack it in, you don’t really like him, lifes too short.

It’s a very personal choice - only you know yourself and your own strength. Alas, I also feel that if you don’t like the way he is you should set him free to find someone who does. OR do some internal work to try and find out if you’re projecting on him and maybe the age difference is some sort of coping mechanism. I think we all get hit by old traumas at different stages in our lives and sometimes are oblivious to it. I know finances are important - and you are thinking of your son’s future which is fair. However, if you’re thinking about it that much and asking for advise out here, I’d say you know yourself have to find options. Financial comfort is very important in this day and age but you’re able to sort that out yourself. I personally think I’d try that. Aim to get financially comfortable by my own means and then review the situation. If he is the good dad you say he is, he’ll always look after his son and you’ll figure out a way to look after yourself. Once you start checking yourself mor, you may also find that you’ve been reading the situation all wrong and that you do love him very much. You have to try different approaches to broaden your perspective. I hope you work yourself out soon 🤗

Staying with someone for their finances is wrong. Yes you might be on your own for a bit and it might be a bit tough but you'd be fine and probably meet someone who is more your age and makes you happy, please don't carry on with this man just because you feel you should. You need to put your son first and you sound like you think you are by staying but ironically being in that toxic relationship will end up being the worst thing you'll do for him. He'll grow older and start to pick up on it anyway and could develop his own relationship issues because of it and see how his mam doesnt love his dad, he will 1000% know.
Someone's said the age thing isn't that bad as you're '40 in a few years' (7 isnt a few its a hige difference). Coming from someome who is your age you're closer to 30 and still still in that sort of mindset/looks/interests (a good thing!) 47 is a lifetime of difference, sorry if that offends people but it is, find someone your age or slightly younger that makes you happy and doesnt have his anger issues. You'll be amazed at how happy you become and loads of time to build a new life and even try and have more children if thats what you want.

Yes I think age gaps can be an issue if life phases are badly mismatched. A friend of mine got together with a man 20 years older than her and pretty much immediately they had 2 kids. He had 2 grown up kids already. For now he is still late 40s, she is coming up for 30, so I guess they feel still both fairly young, but for now they seem happy. For her she wanted an older more serious man, so I guess it's all about what people like and want. My partner is older than me and often references "being old" - then again he even did when he was in his 30s lol!

Honestly, the relationship is a bit toxic with his anger. And sounds like you could also be a bit kinder. But we all say dumb stuff on occasion and he needs to let the occasional thing slide.

I think you have two options. Be honest, see about some counselling, see if you can get some relationship satisfaction back. Or just accept the status quo for now. I wouldn't marry. But it's slim pickings out there with few quality people around. I'd give it a couple more years until your son is going to school before you decide if it's 100% over. Let your son and his Dad bond more. Let your son grow to school age with both parents around. See if it's a 7-year-itch and feelings come back. Once your son is school age and you can work more then see.

I really don't agree with people saying to set him free to find someone new. He could do much better in this relationship too & control his anger. Plus men often shop around before ending a relationship. It's a tough world and fair to give things a few more years for your son. I wouldn't marry with this indifference hanging over me.

If you know it’s over what is the point of hanging on for the sake of your child? The younger they are when you split the easier they will cope with it. At age 7, it will be harder than at age 3 because they have a settled view of who their family is. Plus the kid will pick up on the parents living a lie.

It's not true that it hurts kids to stay in a relationship for them. It depends on the relationship, how toxic/friendly. Kids of all ages can cope. And I'm pretty sure that in nearly every long term relationship with kids, each partner has moments of thinking they will just stay for the kids. Tough times come. Sometimes things get better, sometimes they get worse.

In an ideal world, where everyone had a good basic level of income and we could all afford to live well, then we could all be perfect people making perfect decisions. But I'd give my kid a few more years of comfort. If she leaves now she will likely have to live with her parents while working. The boy will rarely see his mum or dad anymore. That's not a nice life.

So you are using him for financial security despite not loving him?

I think you downplay the impact of being in a relationship that you don’t want to be in. It’s a misery. Maybe it’s okay if both partners are on the same page, they are amicable and there are no rows. This doesn’t seem to be the case here. How would you feel if your partner made a strategic decision to stay with you for another 4 years or so but then they were going to be out of there? Seeing as the kids family will break down at some point anyway, might as well do it sooner rather than later. Theres no indication he wouldn’t see his mum or dad if they split. Obviously both parents need to work, whether they stay together or not. And you could argue that if the OP stays til he’s 7, then she might as well stay till he’s 11 and then 15 then 18 and then suddenly her life is gone, stuck in a miserable relationship. Make a break now and live a happy life.

I suspect a lot of people are in a partnership where the love has waned but they have children together and they are financially dependent on each other. If it makes you feel any better, think of marriages among the nobility in history. They would have laughed at the idea of a marriage based purely on love. If love came via mutual respect then that was a bonus. Have you thought about getting some relationship counselling help? That would probably help you identify whether there is a relationship worth saving and if not what workable options would look like.

Thank you for sharing this! I know it’s not easy… I have been in a highly similar situation. But I decided to stay. Here’s why: it’s hard out there, it’s hard to be single and it’s also hard to go back into the dating game too. (Have you ever heard: pick your hard? Marriage is hard, being single is also hard- pick your hard.) Life has never been easy, and we know this all too well. Take this as a way to grow, learning to be more sensitive to your fiancées pains, sarcasm is for those with either ticker skin or no traumas. We are all sensitive, but what triggers we have for that will vary. Stick it out. Work through it, for your own personal growth and your son. Once we have kiddos, we live for them really. They shouldn’t have to pay since we were the ones to chose to bring them to this earth, not them, so we owe it to them. Our partners will be our mirrors, they will mirror things we need to work on (our triggers). That being said, he should work on himself just as much as you are working on you. Oh and the age thing? Honestly, that’s no big deal. Older men carry experience and wisdom. I honestly think that age is appropriate (mentally) for a woman in her 30s that is mentally mature. Lastly, I’ve learned that we can’t have it all. No matter how much we try. You’re in a good place, you are blessed.

If you know your sarcastic comments will upset him then why say them?
I understand you want to stay because financially its easier but you only get 1 life. Why do you want to be with someone you dont love? And its not fair to him either.
Before you do anything you need to actually talk to him and tell him all this but certainly dont marry the guy. Or should I say the Grandpa 🤭

I married a man I didn't love. Ten years it lasted and I ended it. He was financially sound as well, but eventually it will kill you emotionally. My advice would be stopping kidding yourself. You both deserve better. I'm now married to the love of my life and my ex is happily married too. It wasn't easy carving everything up and we had no kids, but you can't live a lie.

I think it is over but what a mess. I don’t want to ruin my son’s family life. I think our relationship probably is toxic. I don’t even know if I want to be with anyone else, I just don’t think I want to be with him.

....

If you need some cash behind you before you leave, with a grocery shop buy grocery gift cards. Save the gift cards for use once you leave, or kick him out.

Dear lolnotfunny , Reading through the posts I expect you are none the wiser. Putting the age difference aside, do you feel you can accept the unreasonable reaction to a light hearted comment about a full suitcase ? This will be soaked up by your son. He needs to reflect on a happy childhood. Have you spoken to hubby about his behaviour? Does he behave and look like a nearly 50 man ? What attracted you in the first place ? Target your relationship first, age second. Good luck. X

You’ve much that makes your life comfortable. But your sense of unfulfillment will only grow. Especially as your son ages. And your husband even more so. You make no reference to intimacy in your relationship. If you’re staying together ‘for your son’s sake’ … don’t. Get the resources together and leave. Your sarcasm is your mind projecting your internal exasperation, shame and resentment you feel towards your partner. It’d be interesting to learn more about your man’s PTSD too. Hope this helps. It’s a toughie. I’ve been in a similar position.

You should do the decent thing and leave otherwise you are just a massive user.

Marriage isnt and should never be transactionsl. Period. If it is , it's over.