Partner angry I’ve changed our plans to support my friend

[Tootiredtosugarcoat]

My partner and I have some rare time to ourselves this weekend. My DS1 is with his dad for the weekend which is a rare occurrence. Grandparents will watch DS2 on Friday night and we will go out to dinner and have some drinks. On Saturday night he said he’d cook and we could chill once baby was asleep.
My close friend is about to start a course of chemotherapy and of course our whole friendship group has rallied round her. She has asked if we would all like to go for drinks on Saturday night before she starts treatment and is potentially unwell for months. I feel I should go as she is my best friend, has been since we were kids, and has always been there for me through everything.
My partner has lost his head 🤯 refused to speak to me all night last night and then this morning has told me I obviously don’t care about my family, that he’s not a priority, that he’s cancelled our meal on Friday night because if I don’t want to be with him on Saturday night then I can’t be with him on Friday night. He’s told me I have to go on Saturday now because I’m not allowed to stay in with him. So I can’t even offer not to go now. Is it really that bad to want to spend time supporting my friend?
Just for further info, 2 weeks ago he was out all day Saturday and Sunday drinking with his friends, was out on Monday night with his friends, is out tomorrow night with them and will be out on Sunday with them too. A fairly standard month for him. I haven’t been with my whole friendship group since January. It just feels a bit unfair. However, I have dismissed plans with him to make plans with my friends. AIBU to be annoyed at him?

He's training you to always bow to his wishes. Is he always this unpleasant?

Of course you’re not unreasonable and I think you know this. He’s an arse.

Yikes. He sounds very controlling.

I can see both sides here - on the one hand, @Tootiredtosugarcoat, you have pre-existing plans with your partner - thanks to having childcare on Friday night, and a free evening on Saturday once the baby is asleep, and it sounds as if this is quite rare for you and your partner - and it is important to spend quality time together when you have small children.

On the other hand, your friend is going through something really scary and difficult, and you want to be a good, supportive friend to her - and that is really important too.

Either way, your partner should not be being so unpleasant to you about this situation. He should see that you have a really difficult choice to make, and that you are trying to keep everyone happy. He may be feeling hurt that you are picking your friend over him, but he should at least try to appreciate your reasons for wanting to support your friend, and he definitely does not have the right to be so awful to you, over that choice. Plus, you can still have dinner out on Friday night, and enjoy Saturday with just the baby, before you go out with your friend on Saturday night.

Absolutely appalling nasty behaviour.

Apart from anything else has he no human empathy for your friend about to start chemotherapy? Any decent person would be thinking about her situation.

And the fact that he has a such an active social life while you, presumably, are usually left at home looking after his baby and your other child, just shows how totally selfish he is.

He has behaved like toddler throwing the toys out the pram by cancelling your meal. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Good for you OP doing your best to support your friend through this difficult time.

He's being very unreasonable. You made plans with husband for Friday night. Friend with cancer wants to go out Saturday night. Where is the conflict? You still get a date night. You give your friend support the next night. It's not like you're taking a whole day, it's a few hours.

That said, is your friend really going to be drinking alcohol right before starting chemo? That's putting her liver under stress it doesn't need when it's going to have to be working extra hard to process chemo.

Why are you with him? I wouldn’t allow any man to treat me with such disdain.

nasty and controlling. I would rethink the relationship. he is clearly showing who he is.

He's behaving unreasonably here. Your night out with him is Friday.. He's being really nasty to punish you by cancelling your night out together

Jesus, talk about an over the top reaction. Normally cancelling plans (and only part of the plan) is a no no but these are very specific circumstances. If I was in your shoes, I'm 100% confident my husband would be telling me I had to go out with my buddies and support her and vice versa. His reaction of throwing a toddler tantrum is very weird behaviour

He’s a prick.

He begrudges you spending a few hours with a friend due to start chemo?

I would not want to spend any time with him at all, he sounds awful.

its ok for him to want time with you but his behaviour is unacceptable. You’ve not gone out since January and he’s out 2-3 times a week? Did that you need to be going out more, he’s got used to you being at his brck and call. Honestly I’m mad on your behalf!

go out with your friends on fry and Saturday and tell him to fuck off

He is a grief vulture distracting you at a time that you should be supporting your friend.

He is a despicable excuse for a human and I would make plans to leave.

This is really nasty of him IMO. I'd be wondering if I really wanted to be with this person.

Could this all have been avoided if you had discussed it with him rather than told him, even if you always intended to have the same outcome?

I don’t think what he did on a different weekend when you didn’t have plans in place is an excuse for you to justify this. His behaviour is also not acceptable. However, usually good communication makes a big difference.

OP I obviously don't know you and how you react around your partner when he annoys you, I really hope that you are able to tell him exactly how unreasonable he is being, how unsupportive he is and how lacking in empathy he is with regards to your friend's treatment. Personally I wouldn't hold back in pointing out his selfishness (regarding his social life) and his meanness towards you.
I would do my own thing on Friday evening, I certainly wouldn't be forced out of the house.
I would go out with my friend in your situation on the Sat night and feel no guilt at all.
This is on him how he acts
It is on you how you react and deal with it, not just now but in the future.

He’s not unreasonable to be disappointed that your plans with him fell through but he’s very unreasonable to kick off about it. Your friend is in a serious and scary place and needs her friends.

What an utterly arsehole he is. What's he like usually?

What a wanker. I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship.

I am a man , l would never treat my partner like that ,your friend is about to undergo life changing be it temporary treatment. My partner it at the moment with a friend having chemo chest cancer , she said to me this morning what do l do , l made it easy l got her coat and got the car out took them to local hospital l said is that ok , call me when the treatment is over l will fetch you , l am sorry we all need to support each other , so sorry

He sounds unhinged. Big red flags.
Totally fine to be disappointed but cancelling Friday night and refusing to speak to you is all designed to make you change your plans and go along with what he wants you to do.

Why haven’t you seen your friends since January when he sees his several times each week?

You should be more than annoyed, you should be getting your ducks in a row to leave and live your own best life

What an absolute bellend. One of my best friends has been having treatment for cancer for nearly 3 years and once it starts, the “well” periods are few and far between. I drop everything to spend time with her when she’s up to it.

I think his response to this says a lot about him as a person and it would cause me to take a long cold look at him as a partner if I were you.

Go and support your friend. Your selfish partner will have plenty of other Saturday nights available when you can have a babysitter or grandparents looking after DS. Your friend’s availability is likely to be more limited for some time to come.

You made an arrangement with him and should have arranged a different night to meet your friend. Sounds like together time for you is a rare occasion and he's been looking forward to it and now you 've cancelled.

Is the reason he's mad is because he will have to do childcare for the baby all by himself?