Partner angry I’ve changed our plans to support my friend

[Tootiredtosugarcoat]

My partner and I have some rare time to ourselves this weekend. My DS1 is with his dad for the weekend which is a rare occurrence. Grandparents will watch DS2 on Friday night and we will go out to dinner and have some drinks. On Saturday night he said he’d cook and we could chill once baby was asleep.
My close friend is about to start a course of chemotherapy and of course our whole friendship group has rallied round her. She has asked if we would all like to go for drinks on Saturday night before she starts treatment and is potentially unwell for months. I feel I should go as she is my best friend, has been since we were kids, and has always been there for me through everything.
My partner has lost his head 🤯 refused to speak to me all night last night and then this morning has told me I obviously don’t care about my family, that he’s not a priority, that he’s cancelled our meal on Friday night because if I don’t want to be with him on Saturday night then I can’t be with him on Friday night. He’s told me I have to go on Saturday now because I’m not allowed to stay in with him. So I can’t even offer not to go now. Is it really that bad to want to spend time supporting my friend?
Just for further info, 2 weeks ago he was out all day Saturday and Sunday drinking with his friends, was out on Monday night with his friends, is out tomorrow night with them and will be out on Sunday with them too. A fairly standard month for him. I haven’t been with my whole friendship group since January. It just feels a bit unfair. However, I have dismissed plans with him to make plans with my friends. AIBU to be annoyed at him?

She didn't cancel. Her plans with her friend are the next night.

He's been out drinking multiple nights and she hasn't been out with her friendship group since January

I can see both sides. I would be upset if my DH cancelled on a 'date night' as we also very rarely have child-free time together. On the other hand, if you are not able to see your friend on another evening, then it is not unreasonable for you to have cancelled for this reason.

What a horrible horrible man. I don’t think I could forgive him for this.

He's a selfish prick. My DP in similar circumstances would insist that I went to support my friend, and I would do the same for him.

Think carefully about where you go from here with this man.

This

Did you ask about going out with your friends on Saturday or just say you were going? It sounds a bit rude if he was planning to cook a nice meal and have an evening together at home, which seems difficult to arrange. More important for you to be around for your friend during chemo really.

I was kind of on his side until you mentioned how much he goes out with his friends and how long it's been since you've been out with yours, as well as his extreme and nasty behaviour in response to this.

YANBU.

Do you want to be in a controlling relationship?

What an absolute twat.

Please go out with your friends OP. And as your partner has cancelled your night out on Friday, he’ll be in to look after DC2 and you can go out with friends then as well.

Normally I would say you should stick with the first commitment you agreed to but this situation is unique and you rightly want to be there for your friends.

His reaction to the change of plans is horrible. I get he could be slightly annoyed but he reaction is way way over the top.

Is he the father of the baby? Being out all weekend drinking is not something a person with a young baby should be doing regularly. Seems like you are doing all the work.

Are people missing thenpart where her friend is about the have chemo??

I cannot even imagine a world where my husband wouldn't have insisted I go and checked if he can offer any support to me or my friend.

I would be so turned off by his tantrum and attitude that I'd see it as a giant red dumping flag.

His reaction is definitely OTT however I can see how he might feel a tad disappointed. I would be torn if in your situation tbh.

If it was a friend who was always having a crisis and expected everyone to drop stuff for her then he'd be right (although acting in a very childish way about it)

But it's a complete one off for a very good friend who really needs support. So would be a no brainer for me to go out with her

Someone who is this awful about you supporting a friend about to go through something awful is not a good person. Don’t stay with this man! Definitely don’t give in or change plans, and do not fall for it when he returns all contrite after he’s been so horrible, making apologies and excuses and trying to make you feel sorry for causing him pain.

You are supporting your friend. Even if he might be disappointed, anyone with even a shred of empathy (and not a giant dose of narcissism) would say you ought to see your friend before she starts chemo.

Wild over reaction on his part given your friends immediate circumstances.

Does he usually complain about you seeing friends?

It’s not child free. They have their baby on Saturday night. Friday night is child free- which she hasn’t cancelled.

Man’s a cunt, op.

This is clearly a very unique situation - I don't know why he can't meet you in the middle here. Friday night is your date night out - you spend all day Saturday with him - can he make lunch instead of dinner? Then you go out on Saturday night with your friend to show support and the next day you could take him and both children out to brunch or Sunday lunch the next day to say thanks to him for enabling you to spend time with your friend at this really important time. Surely a good partnership is all about compromise and appreciating one another? I think him cancelling Friday is beyond petty and actually very hurtful and unnecessary.

I can see your partner's point of view. He clearly really values having some quality time with you child free, and as this doesn't happen often it feels like it's a rare opportunity. I don't think that he's reacted in the best way, but I also don't see why you can't find a middle ground to still support your friend. Tell your friend you will go a little bit earlier on, show your face to show your support then leave to spend the rest of your pre-arranged plans with your DH. Or stick with your plans and offer to join her for coffee in the morning instead.
If you feel supporting your friend is more important in the moment, then you should try to re-arrange that date night with your DH.
He's unreasonable for how he's reacted which is OTT, however I do this his feelings are still valid and he's obviously feeling pushed aside. I can't blame him for wanting to cherish the rare time he will get with you child free (this is really precious in our household too due to lack of support) so maybe he will calm down if you discuss why it's so important to you to see your friend and reassure him you do still want to spend time with him, but the timing of your friends treatment has just come at an unfortunate time.
Tell him why you feel pulled in both directions and ask him how he feels about the above options, and maybe make suggestions of times / dates you can do your date instead.

He’s nuts, go be with your friend Saturday (in fact I’d make a point of going out somewhere Friday now he’s cancelled everything).
Is he always this controlling? 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Keep strong about all this - you are doing the right thing and sadly he’s got a ginormous personality problem. Don’t blink first on this one!

What an absolute knobjockey. My DH would be encouraging me to go and spend time with my friend if I were in a situation like yours. I would find it hard to come back from this. 'Not allowed'? He can go fuck himself.

Is it your parents or his that the dc would be staying with?
I would be cancelling the babysitting and tell them exactly why.
Awful for him to do that, so I’d make sure everyone knew what an arse he was.

Right?? One poster even said she should have arranged another night to meet her friends?? Did they not read the part about her starting chemo. People are gross

If he valued quality child-free time with the OP then he wouldn't have cancelled the Friday night plans when they actually are childfree. It doeant happen a lot because hes out with his frienda frequently leaving the OP as the default child carer He's a controlling arsehole.

He sounds really horrible. Nasty little man who sees your friend’s chemo as nothing more than an inconvenience to him.

She hasn't cancelled their child free night though, that's Friday night, he's the one who cancelled the child free night. The Saturday night they are not child free, their baby would just be in bed..........