Partner angry I’ve changed our plans to support my friend

[Tootiredtosugarcoat]

My partner and I have some rare time to ourselves this weekend. My DS1 is with his dad for the weekend which is a rare occurrence. Grandparents will watch DS2 on Friday night and we will go out to dinner and have some drinks. On Saturday night he said he’d cook and we could chill once baby was asleep.
My close friend is about to start a course of chemotherapy and of course our whole friendship group has rallied round her. She has asked if we would all like to go for drinks on Saturday night before she starts treatment and is potentially unwell for months. I feel I should go as she is my best friend, has been since we were kids, and has always been there for me through everything.
My partner has lost his head 🤯 refused to speak to me all night last night and then this morning has told me I obviously don’t care about my family, that he’s not a priority, that he’s cancelled our meal on Friday night because if I don’t want to be with him on Saturday night then I can’t be with him on Friday night. He’s told me I have to go on Saturday now because I’m not allowed to stay in with him. So I can’t even offer not to go now. Is it really that bad to want to spend time supporting my friend?
Just for further info, 2 weeks ago he was out all day Saturday and Sunday drinking with his friends, was out on Monday night with his friends, is out tomorrow night with them and will be out on Sunday with them too. A fairly standard month for him. I haven’t been with my whole friendship group since January. It just feels a bit unfair. However, I have dismissed plans with him to make plans with my friends. AIBU to be annoyed at him?

You have 3 children with this nasty, vicious, arsehole?
You definitely need to keep your friends very close.
Infact tell them about his behaviour and reach out to Women's aid for additional support.
His behaviour is highly controlling, not normal and abusive.

Ah so clearly one rule for him and another for you. I take it the baby is his? Was he controlling before ?

Your partner is hugely immature and presumably hasn’t suffered any severe illness or trauma so lacks empathy

This is not a good man. My DH might be sad at not spending rare time alone with me, but I know he’d think a bit less of me if my seriously ill friend asked one thing of me and I wasn’t willing to do that for her. His first question would be whether friend needed a lift. What a horrible little specimen you’ve found yourself with. What he’s doing is coercive control. That is abuse.

He’s told me I have to go on Saturday now because I’m not allowed to stay in with him You’re ’not allowed’? Err, who died and appointed him the boss of you? I’m assuming that many years of tiptoeing around him and doing what he wants may have led you to start believing that he is in charge and that he does get to dictate to you what you do and when you do it. Fortunately for you, both of you are very much mistaken. It’s your home too. You don’t need his permission to either leave it or stay in it. And I’d be willing to bet that this is another attempt to manipulate you. He tells you that you aren’t allowed to stay in with him, knowing that your first reaction is going to be to feel that rejection and to try and fix it by wanting to stay in and pander to him until he decides to forgive you for daring to want to see your friend at an inconvenient time (inconvenient for him, that is, as he’ll have to care for his own child and won’t be able to go out for a few drinks with his mates if the fancy takes him).

Fuck him! What a bastard!

Don't pander to his tantrum whatever you do.

What a selfish b, shocked you aren’t getting rid of him.

I couldn't accept this. He's beyond selfish. Have you pointed out the glaring differences in how you deal with each other's social lives? If so, what's his response?

So the only reason it’s a rare bit of time together is because he’s usually out with his mates when he could be home with you?
He sounds like a controlling dickhead who doesn’t want you going out without him.

He's a dick. Your friend is going through cancer and needs her friends support. That is more important than an evening with your partner. You can chill out with him anytime since you live with him. But maybe he's not the kind of partner you deserve. I hope your friend recovers.

He can get in the bin, the silly selfish childish twat.

It's like when a teenager is told to turn their music down and they dramatically turn it off, scream, "YOU JUST WANT ME TO BE MISERABLE!!" and throw their speaker out the window.

If this was me and my friend my DH would be fully supportive and understanding and would probably offer to give me a lift back! Is he always this lacking in empathy?

He’s a dick, you’re a good friend. And while I considered the relationship I’d pointedly say every time he went out ‘you sure you wouldn’t prefer to spend some time with me? You choose to go out with your friends a lot more than spend time with me. This is your regular reminder that I won’t prioritise a man who doesn’t prioritise me.’ Don’t let him control you.

He's a spiteful, controlling shit!
You're a good friend!
I hope you're friends treatment is successful 👌🏾.

Wow. As someone soon to start radiotherapy I can’t think of a single one of my friends partners who wouldn’t willingly push them towards me for support!

He sounds like such an arse hole OP. Ditch him and enjoy the weekend to yourself.

My partner has lost his head 🤯 refused to speak to me all night last night and then this morning has told me I obviously don’t care about my family, that he’s not a priority, that he’s cancelled our meal on Friday night because if I don’t want to be with him on Saturday night then I can’t be with him on Friday night. He’s told me I have to go on Saturday now because I’m not allowed to stay in with him. So I can’t even offer not to go now. Is it really that bad to want to spend time supporting my friend?

Please read what you wrote in your original post again. He gave you the silent treatment, made wild accusations against you, cancelled plans because you did something that wasn't exactly what he wanted, demanded you behave as he wished, told you what to do, "forbade" you from doing something he'd previously agreed to, and now has you wondering if you are "that bad" for doing what ANY decent friend would do and supporting your sick friend.

He's an arsehole, and if you allow this he's going to continue behaving this way, punishing you for ANYTHING you do that isn't EXACTLY what he wants you to do until you're afraid to do or say anything for fear of setting him off. It's a pattern, and it's one that often moves from emotionally hurtful to physically hurtful. Break the pattern.

You’re being extremely unreasonable putting up with this shit for so long. You haven’t been out with your friends since January?! While he spends a whole wknd socialising with his - WTAF? Why?

The only bloody reason this is a rare wknd in for the two of you is bc he prioritises seeing and drinking with his friends over spending time with you (and the kids).

Doubtless these childish over the top reactions is the reason why you prioritise his happiness over yours and stay in looking after the kids so he can go out.

Walk on eggshells much?

LTB.

Wow. No, YANBU. He is stroppy, vicious, cruel and selfish.

Dump him. Any decent partner would be proud of you for supporting a friend about to start chemo.

The good news is, once you've dumped the twat, you can go out with your friends whenever you want.

Sorry you seem to be suggesting that his reaction is reasonable?

He's "lost his head", refused to speak to her, then told her she doesn't care about him or their family, cancelled another plan they had together in retaliation and also told her she now has no choice but to go to her friends anyway as she's "not allowed" to stay in with him...

Do you not think that might indicate that he is controlling and unreasonable in any way?

Fuck him that’s despicable

I couldn't understand him feeling marginally disappointed that you're changing plans but you have an extremely valid reason. However as he is regularly out with his friends he's a and no doubt as is usually the case with these stories very much the the thin edge of the wedge and he's probably hideous in lots of other ways too.

I would ring the grandparent in front of him and explain that you don't need them to baby sit anymore because the meal is off because your twat husband has spat the dummy because you're choosing to go out with your friend who's going to have chemo Saturday so he's cancelled Friday as well. explain he said it means you don't care about your family going out for one evening with your friend he's having chemo but obviously it's OK for him to go out 3 or four times a week.

He sounds nasty.

And you missed how this poster suggests she should have arranged another night to meet her friend ............the one who is having Chemo the following day.........

This ^^