Partner angry I’ve changed our plans to support my friend

[Tootiredtosugarcoat]

My partner and I have some rare time to ourselves this weekend. My DS1 is with his dad for the weekend which is a rare occurrence. Grandparents will watch DS2 on Friday night and we will go out to dinner and have some drinks. On Saturday night he said he’d cook and we could chill once baby was asleep.
My close friend is about to start a course of chemotherapy and of course our whole friendship group has rallied round her. She has asked if we would all like to go for drinks on Saturday night before she starts treatment and is potentially unwell for months. I feel I should go as she is my best friend, has been since we were kids, and has always been there for me through everything.
My partner has lost his head 🤯 refused to speak to me all night last night and then this morning has told me I obviously don’t care about my family, that he’s not a priority, that he’s cancelled our meal on Friday night because if I don’t want to be with him on Saturday night then I can’t be with him on Friday night. He’s told me I have to go on Saturday now because I’m not allowed to stay in with him. So I can’t even offer not to go now. Is it really that bad to want to spend time supporting my friend?
Just for further info, 2 weeks ago he was out all day Saturday and Sunday drinking with his friends, was out on Monday night with his friends, is out tomorrow night with them and will be out on Sunday with them too. A fairly standard month for him. I haven’t been with my whole friendship group since January. It just feels a bit unfair. However, I have dismissed plans with him to make plans with my friends. AIBU to be annoyed at him?

What a dick move from him op is ge usually controlling when you want to go out without him?

What an absolute arsehole. I’d call his bluff by going out on Friday too. He’s a man-baby, throwing his toys out of the pram, and he’s put you in an impossible position.

He is trying to condition you not to go out as he throws a tantrum. You haven’t been out since January. What was he like last time you did? Message you constantly? Made you come home early?

If he always makes it this difficult then he is a controlling asshole and he is trying to isolate you from your friends.

I would not be with a man that behaved like this. Not even one time.

What a fucking arse hole he is!!
You go see your friend, I’m on chemo
and some days you don’t want to carry on. You sound a loyal friend. Your partner is selfish!

"He’s told me I have to go on Saturday now because I’m not allowed to stay in with him."
'Not allowed? ALLOWED?

That's him in a nutshell. Along with all the other details (e.g. how much time he spends out with his friends versus how much time you get to spend with yours) he sounds like a controlling nasty little gobshite.

You made plans and now you want to change them of course he’s entitled to be pissed off

You are being unreasonable to still be married to the prick!

Of course. But not to use weaponised silence and his other abusive crap. Being pissed off for a while, is very different to what this wanker is doing

Is he entitled to have “lost his head”, given her the silent treatment, accused her of not prioritising him and their family, cancelling their actual planned evening out and telling her (an adult woman he has no authority over) she’s now not “allowed” to spend that evening at home even if she wanted to?

All because she wanted to spend some time with a friend who has cancer and wanted a pre-chemo get together?

Despite the fact he’s out multiple times a week on a regular basis, including this week, while she is presumably watching the baby solo - so any of those evenings they could have chilled while the baby was in bed if he wasn’t already out?

Your bar for acceptable behaviour is very low.

Did you read the part where the get-together is for her friend who's about to start chemotherapy?

Who, with a shred of humanity and/or respect for their partner, would stand in the way of such a gathering?

He's entitled to be pissed off? Like hell he is.

Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there ...fuck off some more!

Someone should start a similar thread, but swap around husband/ wife, and we'll see how that one goes, and if the wife is then called the feminine equivalent of arsehole or prick (I am quoting)

Their date night is the Friday night, which he's now cancelling in spite because she won't stay in with him and the baby (not their full night off) on the Saturday, despite him frequently leaving her at home to go out with his mates just for fun. They would still have the date night if he wasn't throwing his toys out of the pram because she's supporting her friend with cancer.

I really can't see both sides here tbh, and like others, I'd be reconsidering this relationship. Any decent partner should be encouraging you to go. If it is that much of an issue for him, you can both arrange a babysitter for another time.

If the wife in your hypothetical begrudges her husband spending a Saturday evening with his mate with cancer before he starts chemo, despite still being able to have a nice date night together as planned on the Friday, despite the wife regularly going out multiple times a week and the wife “lost her head”, accused the husband of not prioritising his family, gave him the silent treatment and told him (an adult over whom she has no authority) that he wouldn’t now be “allowed” to be home that evening anyway… I would call her an absolute arsehole too.

This isn’t a man / woman thing, it’s a ‘not liking clearly controlling and unkind behaviour’ thing.

It's not like OP decided on a whim to sack off the partner and party with some friends instead. It's a friend who is about to become incredibly ill, very soon, and wants her friends round her for a few hours before everything turns to shit.

If he was that bothered about having the time together, he wouldn't have cancelled the Friday night in a paddy.

And then, fuck off some more!!

You “dismissed” eating at home and “chilling” - surely that’s a bog standard evening? I could understand his upset more if it was the Friday night dinner and drinks out that you had cancelled with him. Yanbu at all and he’s behaving like a toddler.

Absolutely this!

It is absolutely batshit that anyone remotely kind would begrudge this, especially as she hasn’t even cancelled their actual date night!

I feel sorry for people whose partners are so unkind that they think his reaction is in anyway acceptable or understandable.

You’ve had chemo l take it? Then you know how important friendships are, when you are going through one of the potentially worst times of your life.

I simply don't believe the op. I can't believe any woman would be this dense.

I find the best way to deal with people like that is to put in words their behaviour with a third party present.

'Oh, Joe is really angry with me right now because I want to support my best mate Sarah who has cancer before she goes through chemo. He's cancelled our date night on Friday because of it, isn't that right Joe?'

Cue embarrassed backtracking and denial. It makes idiots like that think twice about their controlling behaviour if they know it will be publicised. All bullies operate on the other person being silent.

Personally, I couldn't spend anytime with such a A*

wtf, it’s not even like it’s the time you have babysitting. He could cook for you ANY OTHER NIGHT.
What on earth is his problem?!

He is being horrible to you. There is absolutely no need for him to cancel dinner on Friday, you have a baby sitter, there is absolutely no need for him to stay in with his baby while you go out on Sunday with your friends.

I think he's making such a huge fuss as he doesn't want to spend even one evening looking after his baby. Rather than admit this he's being a nasty bully.

Is there anything redeeming about him? He's a useless father, a boozer and prone to anger and sulking. Do you want your kids to think this is acceptable?

Selfish brat. Obviously you need to support your friend during this extremely difficult period.

I suspect you already know you’re not unreasonable to be annoyed at his reaction. I do understand him perhaps being disappointed if it’s rare you get time yourselves HOWEVER…. I would be devastated if my partner couldn’t/wouldn’t sacrifice an evening in so that I could spend time with a dear friend who was reaching out in her time of need. Is there a way you can still enjoy him cooking your supper and go out after? Or is that likely to cause ructions if he also has to clear up and “babysit”…????