Partner angry I’ve changed our plans to support my friend

[Tootiredtosugarcoat]

My partner and I have some rare time to ourselves this weekend. My DS1 is with his dad for the weekend which is a rare occurrence. Grandparents will watch DS2 on Friday night and we will go out to dinner and have some drinks. On Saturday night he said he’d cook and we could chill once baby was asleep.
My close friend is about to start a course of chemotherapy and of course our whole friendship group has rallied round her. She has asked if we would all like to go for drinks on Saturday night before she starts treatment and is potentially unwell for months. I feel I should go as she is my best friend, has been since we were kids, and has always been there for me through everything.
My partner has lost his head 🤯 refused to speak to me all night last night and then this morning has told me I obviously don’t care about my family, that he’s not a priority, that he’s cancelled our meal on Friday night because if I don’t want to be with him on Saturday night then I can’t be with him on Friday night. He’s told me I have to go on Saturday now because I’m not allowed to stay in with him. So I can’t even offer not to go now. Is it really that bad to want to spend time supporting my friend?
Just for further info, 2 weeks ago he was out all day Saturday and Sunday drinking with his friends, was out on Monday night with his friends, is out tomorrow night with them and will be out on Sunday with them too. A fairly standard month for him. I haven’t been with my whole friendship group since January. It just feels a bit unfair. However, I have dismissed plans with him to make plans with my friends. AIBU to be annoyed at him?

Pathetic. You can do both. Why is he cancelling Friday?! OP don’t back down.

My single childless friend in her mid 70's tripped over, broke her shoulder, I went to stay with her for 5 nights a week while another friend took the other 2 nights for 6 weeks. DH was totally supportive, realised that my friend couldn't manage alone so off I went.

Your partners a prick.

Your husband is an emotionally immature man child who lacks empathy for someone with cancer.

Telling you that you can’t stay in, in your own house is some cheek.

Giving you the silent treatment and acting like this is weird and controlling.

Don’t play into this behaviour. I’m fact I’d start watching it real closely as this is coercive control and it’s abuse.

I lost a very close friend and my ex husband was completely unsympathetic.
I’m sure your friend will be fine but You do not want to be left thinking what if, if you pander to him now.
Sack him off.
What a pig and hope your friend is ok

He’s a dick

This is fair but the part I am struggling to get my head around is, how is it not caring about the family going out when the kids are with the grandparents, but when he goes out with his mates all weekend when the kids are home, that is caring about the family?

Your partner is clearly an unreasonable, hypocritical arse and I think you know this. So he’s going out several nights a week and you’ve not seen your friends since JANUARY. Of course you weren’t being unreasonable and of course he’s acting like a brat by cancelling Friday too.

If you read your OP back to your friends and family what would they say? If you’re too embarrassed, or scared to, then I think that tells you everything about his behaviour.

Tell him to go fuck himself - how bloody selfish is he? @TootiredtosugarcoatDon’t pander to his shit! He should be more understanding of your friend and her situation. He clearly values friendship doesn’t he? After all he sees his mates all the bloody time!!

I imagine this is not the first time he’s shown himself to be such a selfish wanker?!

I would say to him he is getting a taste of his own medicine. Now he knows how it feels when he is off with his friends. Pay him absolutely no attention whatsoever. He is a child a controlling one too.

Disturbing that you're not "allowed" to stay in your own home just because you've had a disagreement...

What A Tosser.

Nothing excuses him treating you badly but this was a very special and rate time together and should be prioritised over seeing friends. I’m be angry in his position. Fair enough if your friend was mortally ill and needed to see you, but she’s well enough to go out drinking.

This is giant redflag behaviour and coercive control

Until treatment starts which means she won't be. The lack of compassion here is wild. I'm glad you are not my partner

Time together would be a lot less rare if he wasn’t going out with his friends multiple times a week while she hasn’t seen her own friends since January, wouldn’t it?

And if it’s so rare they have time together it’s interesting he’s cancelled the actual date night they had planned (which she still very much wanted to do together) because she said she wanted to see her friend with cancer who asked to see her before chemo, on the other night.

You’d think if time together was so special and rare he wouldn’t be going out multiple times a week and cancelling a nice date night she can still do, out of pure spite, wouldn’t you?

I just can’t imagine how awful peoples relationships are (or how naive they are) to be suggesting this man is motivated genuinely by a sadness at missing out on ‘rare’ time together when it’s clear he’s with friends for almost half the nights this week (and OP says this is pretty normal) and punishing her by cancelling the other one. Jesus. What a low bar.

And @Foundationnsi would love to know why OP should in your opinion have to prioritise time together with her partner over seeing a friend with a serious illness for the last time before they are likely to be very unwell and unable to enjoy that time together, while he has this week alone ‘prioritised’ friends over time at home multiple times and does so regularly while she hasn’t seen friends since January? Why the disparity in expectations from your side?

Having been through cancer and chemo, you do tend to remember those people who showed up and were there for you and those that didn’t. It’s a very abnormal, extreme situation for the person going through it. For many the period between diagnosis and the start of treatment is the worst time (mentally speaking) I would prioritise a friend in this situation and I know my husband would support me. You are not having to cancel the holiday of a lifetime or anything major.

I have to agree. Also going through Chemo ( horrid horrid horrid!) and I’ve crossed off so many “ friends” in the last 6 months.

Yes and then there are the ones that message you afterwards apologising for not being in touch and asking how you are. They don’t get a response.

You have three children ? How can you even be arsed living with such a massive drama llama ? I can understand him being disappointed but the whole childish cancelling the Friday meal and telling you that you can't spend Saturday evening with him at all because you are seeing your friend, how you haven't got the massive Ick I don't know ?

Wow he is a dickhead op.

Just so you know my partner would never act like this, he'd be like go support your friend.

Just to say it's not normal.

Please just go out. He's an almighty prick.

You just nailed it, yes!
I had that last Friday infact. I did not reply. The journey is SO intense at times, that you are either on board or you are not. Fine if not (it’s tough ) but you can’t dip in and out.

Yikes. I don’t use the word c*nt very often but it feels appropriate here. Major red flag. I mean it’s not like you’re just ditching him for a standard night out with pals…your best friend is seriously unwell.

Presumably he feels he has been trapped into ‘babysitting’ at home on a Saturday night while he you are ‘out on the razz’

Compared to thinking he was on for a ‘good night’.

It boils down to him being ‘selfish’ and ‘sulky’ to be honest and that’s not sexy.