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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner angry I’ve changed our plans to support my friend

275 replies

Tootiredtosugarcoat · 24/09/2025 12:07

My partner and I have some rare time to ourselves this weekend. My DS1 is with his dad for the weekend which is a rare occurrence. Grandparents will watch DS2 on Friday night and we will go out to dinner and have some drinks. On Saturday night he said he’d cook and we could chill once baby was asleep.
My close friend is about to start a course of chemotherapy and of course our whole friendship group has rallied round her. She has asked if we would all like to go for drinks on Saturday night before she starts treatment and is potentially unwell for months. I feel I should go as she is my best friend, has been since we were kids, and has always been there for me through everything.
My partner has lost his head 🤯 refused to speak to me all night last night and then this morning has told me I obviously don’t care about my family, that he’s not a priority, that he’s cancelled our meal on Friday night because if I don’t want to be with him on Saturday night then I can’t be with him on Friday night. He’s told me I have to go on Saturday now because I’m not allowed to stay in with him. So I can’t even offer not to go now. Is it really that bad to want to spend time supporting my friend?
Just for further info, 2 weeks ago he was out all day Saturday and Sunday drinking with his friends, was out on Monday night with his friends, is out tomorrow night with them and will be out on Sunday with them too. A fairly standard month for him. I haven’t been with my whole friendship group since January. It just feels a bit unfair. However, I have dismissed plans with him to make plans with my friends. AIBU to be annoyed at him?

OP posts:
Larrythebloodycat · 24/09/2025 15:28

I know it's an overused term and I don't usually employ it, but your partner is an arsehole.

usedtobeaylis · 24/09/2025 15:28

anytipswelcome · 24/09/2025 15:15

Sorry you seem to be suggesting that his reaction is reasonable?

He's "lost his head", refused to speak to her, then told her she doesn't care about him or their family, cancelled another plan they had together in retaliation and also told her she now has no choice but to go to her friends anyway as she's "not allowed" to stay in with him...

Do you not think that might indicate that he is controlling and unreasonable in any way?

Show quote history

Not to mention he goes out with his friends all the time while the OP hasn't seen hers since January

TheNameisNOTZiggy · 24/09/2025 15:31

Get rid of him. Controlling arsehole.
don’t cancel the babysitter. Leave him to do that himself. And you go out with friends.

he is spitting his dummy out because he wants to control you. Just don’t be riled by it.
he is showing his true colours.

of course you need to go out with your friend.

Juiceinacup · 24/09/2025 15:32

Let me take a wild guess you haven’t been out with your friends since January because he doesn’t want to look after the baby, but he can go out whenever he likes because you are the default parent. Friday out fine because someone else is babysitting, then Saturday night in because you as default parent will deal with the baby if they wake up.
Change of plans your friend needs support, or god forbid you have 1 night out just to socialise, he throws a strop because he feels he has sacrificed one more opportunity for him to go out socialising, without you yet again, just to sit on the sofa with you.
It’s no bloody treat for you is it because you are stuck sitting on that sofa every night and because you didn’t appreciate his magnificent sacrifice and fall into a swoon at the thought of him being home with you you must be punished.
That’s what his shit attitude is about, make you too worried about taking any little time for yourself for fear of his reaction, so he continues to go out whenever he feels like it while you watch TV and look after your children.
Know you place woman.

TheNameisNOTZiggy · 24/09/2025 15:32

Basically he wants sex Saturday night and is pissed off you have put your friendship with your best friend before that
what a loser he is

waterrat · 24/09/2025 15:32

This is just horrible.

You have a lovely friday planned and he is being vile about you doing this important visit on the saturday evening

my husband would be telling me to do whatever I needed to for my friend.

IS he looking for an excuse to get out of the friday night plan??

kiwiane · 24/09/2025 15:35

You could have asked him if it was okay with him to change things around as you already had plans. He has totally overreacted so I’d be concerned about your relationship; start making plans so you can leave him if necessary.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/09/2025 15:40

OP I always think that when things are fine and plain sailing its harder to see this behaviour.. .but you should always ask your self... how do they behave when the chips are down.

Well he's just answered that one.

And that would lead me to think, in times of trouble how will he react.. Will he be supportive or will he be annoyed at being inconvenienced and dole out the punishment accordingly

Zempy · 24/09/2025 15:42

He sounds awful. No excuse for his shit behaviour.

Is this normal for him? If so, isn’t it about time he fucked off?

bingobanjo · 24/09/2025 15:48

We change or cancel our “couple plans” to support friends or family so frequently it’s a bit of an inside joke at this point.

It makes me feel very secure that there’s 0 anxiety around doing that, our relationship is the one place plans can be dropped without any social “repercussions” to worry about

It’s one night, for a very good cause! Your DH is being very nasty about it.

BettysRoasties · 24/09/2025 15:49

His behaving terribly.

I would however be left a tad upset internally however I wouldn’t verbalise it, if we had somehow managed to get some rare childcare for my partner to bail however.

Sure the baby is still there Saturday night but asleep and he clearly planned to cook a nice meal and a bit of Netflix and chill while the older child is still away with dad.

But things change and again tho I’d be disappointed I wouldn’t be a dick about it.

Devilsmommy · 24/09/2025 15:52

Your husband sounds like an abusive twat. Your friend has got cancer ffs and wants a night out before she's too ill to do it. How much of a cunt do you have to be to behave the way he is. How come he's allowed to go out so much but is angry at you having one night? Classic abusive bullshit

Onlycoffee · 24/09/2025 15:59

I bet he's secretly planning on having sex with op on the Saturday night, and even though op doesn't know this, he's taking it as a sexual rejection.

It's just far too much of an overreaction to a perfectly understandable situation.
Even if I conceded he had reason to react- that reaction should be "I am disappointed and will miss you, so let's make the most of Friday night, I completely understand and hope your friend has a lovely night before her chemo"

So yes he's allowed to feel disappointed but his reaction is completely OTT and abusive.

Also edited to add, even if he did feel disappointed that still doesn't mean you are being unreasonable.

ThrivingIn2025ing · 24/09/2025 16:02

outerspacepotato · 24/09/2025 13:28

Is the reason he's mad is because he will have to do childcare for the baby all by himself?

This was also my first thought

TheCheeryTurtle · 24/09/2025 16:06

Depends a bit how you told him.

My friend is seriously ill, I KNOW we had plans but I need a couple of hours

As opposed to:
I am going for diner and drinks with friends,

Offloadontome · 24/09/2025 16:18

MyMilchick · 24/09/2025 14:14

She hasn't cancelled their child free night though, that's Friday night, he's the one who cancelled the child free night. The Saturday night they are not child free, their baby would just be in bed..........

Show quote history

Oh, sorry I've mis read. I thought they were child free all weekend and it sounded like the night she planned to cancel for the friend was a rare opportunity, for both nights. I retract then, and agree he's a dick.

JHound · 24/09/2025 16:22

How have you legally married a child?

ComfortFoodCafe · 24/09/2025 16:24

What an abusive twat.

SirBasil · 24/09/2025 16:33

Well, only you know if you are being UR but we constantly have threads here about not changing pre-existing plans to take a "better" offer. So in that respect, you are being U

And also if you don't get many chances to be home alone with partner, and you now do, it is U to change those plans without first having a discussion with him.

But he is throwing all his toys out of the pram, so what else is going on? from his pov you are putting your friend above him in the relationship hierarchy.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 24/09/2025 16:38

He’s a dickhead and frankly I’d be going through his phone to double check whether he’s a controlling dickhead, or a controlling dickhead who also cheats.

The only times my ex got so OTT about me going out without him was when he was cheating (obviously because if he wasn’t around he’d have no control about where I’d go or who I might bump into).

EstherGreenwood63 · 24/09/2025 16:40

He sounds like a real cunt OP. Truly nasty man.

MummaMummaMumma · 24/09/2025 16:44

Wow what a prick

whimsicallyprickly · 24/09/2025 16:45

You sound so shocked/surprised that he's acted this way, that I assume it's a one off. For a one off I'm sure you can sort it out over the next few days by talking it through

Of course if this is his regular attitude to things he doesn't like, then you need to leave him ASAP

SwingTheMonkey · 24/09/2025 16:54

SirBasil · 24/09/2025 16:33

Well, only you know if you are being UR but we constantly have threads here about not changing pre-existing plans to take a "better" offer. So in that respect, you are being U

And also if you don't get many chances to be home alone with partner, and you now do, it is U to change those plans without first having a discussion with him.

But he is throwing all his toys out of the pram, so what else is going on? from his pov you are putting your friend above him in the relationship hierarchy.

I suppose it makes a change for op to put her friend above her relationship - it seems is usually her partner putting his friends before his relationship.

anytipswelcome · 24/09/2025 17:02

SirBasil · 24/09/2025 16:33

Well, only you know if you are being UR but we constantly have threads here about not changing pre-existing plans to take a "better" offer. So in that respect, you are being U

And also if you don't get many chances to be home alone with partner, and you now do, it is U to change those plans without first having a discussion with him.

But he is throwing all his toys out of the pram, so what else is going on? from his pov you are putting your friend above him in the relationship hierarchy.

Well they’d have a lot more chances to spend time together in the evenings if he didn’t go out with friends around 3 times a week which OP says is pretty standard for him…