to want to have a talk about my feelings

[MyBusyWriter]

Hi everyone! I'm seeking advice on a situation with my mother-in-law. My husband and I graduated from grad school at the same time, and we've been married for 4 years after dating for 8. We have a very good relationship with his mum and see her often. Recently, she gave my husband a $1000 check for his graduation, and I texted her to thank her, assuming the gift was for both of us given our joint achievement, our marriage, and our close relationship. We've always been treated as a unit by her, and I thought she'd recognize our shared accomplishment. However, she replied saying the cash was actually just meant for my husband. What hurts me is that she explicitly stated it was for him only, and the fact that she didn't include me feels like a subtle distinction. Given our relationship and family dynamic, I didn't expect her to make this kind of separation. I'm very hurt to say the least because she made it a point to exclude me from the card and then explicitly stated in not so many words your graduation doesn't matter and I don't care about it and I don't want you to have any of the money. I'm also confused why she thinks my husband would keep $1000 from me and not share it given we both graduated.

AIBU to want to have a talk with her about my feelings?

So the OP has got form, doesn’t surprise me. She comes across as bitter, nasty and controlling.

He will always be her son. He may not always be your husband.
it was maybe a little insensitive of her but hardly worthy of the vitriol you are spouting

You sound unhinged!
I feel sorry for your husband.

I think you need to pause. You sound in competition. I also think your response to this will have soured it for everyone, including your husband. You’ve made it all about YOU. It’s really important to be able to regulate our feelings and responses so that this does not happen and so people around don’t feel fearful of offending or insulting us. Your MIL is not perfect, none of us are. But she has been criticised for giving her son an (extraordinarily generous) gift. You do seem to feel insecure about their relationship; somewhat threatened, otherwise why do you keep saying that your relationship is more important? Different - the relationships are different. You are not really taking in what people are saying so I expect you won’t with my post either. But I would encourage you to reflect on yourself; whether you want people around you to feel anxious about you feeling rejected or insulted by their actions or inactions. Also just because your family does things in a particular way (celebrating you and your husband equally) doesn’t mean that is the right or only way to do it.

When you say you graduated together, did you get a degree as well? I’m confused. If not, why do you think it’s an joint achievement? Did you sit his exams and complete his assignments for him? Have you added it to your CV?

There seems to be some massive Main Character Energy going on here.

Yes, a man should prioritise his wife in general.

however - that does not devalue his relationship with his mother. It’s not a competition because they are completely separate roles. No one wins or loses. He loves you both in different ways. Please do not act smug that you ‘took’ her son. You will end up looking silly.

yes, in a lot of married relationships finances are shared and monetary gifts go into shared accounts. I do remember a similar thread where everyone sided with the OP but I think that’s because they had kids and it was likely going to go on general bills instead and the mil was insisting her son treated specifically himself.

But on this occasion she wanted to gift her son. Her son who it seems doesn’t have any major responsibilities in terms of children etc. I actually think it’s fair enough. Obviously it’s a gift so he can chose to use it with you together.
I think you are choosing to take this as a slight when obviously it isn’t. I would love to be able to treat my children to something big when they make major achievements when they’re adults.
mad mums we put in a huge amount of effort to their upbringing and it would sort of feel like an acknowledgment of pride and effort. It’s literally not personal at all and I think you need to attempt to see her point of view. And stop spouting cliches about mums and dils

One relationship doesn't have to erase or overwhelm the other. Mother and wife are such different roles they can both exist peacefully, a man can have a wife and a mother without needing to choose surely? I understand that actually it was poor form to not give a seperate card to you along with your own gift, but chalk that up to poor form on her as mother in law without undermining the role of mother if you can. As a bit of gift giving etiquette it was simply poor form aside from everything else.

A mother's love doesnt disappear overnight when a son marries his wife, dynamics shift yes but this whole idea of being married so is more of a husband than a son now is a strange one, and I wonder if its because you've been together a long time presumably young that you feel this way. Are you in the States? Sounds like you are from content of posts on this thread, maybe a bit of a cultural difference then. What about when a mother is ALSO a wife like many are. Does her relationship with her husband have to he treated as more hallowed and important than that with her children? Or is it simply mothers of sons?

Ohhhh okay, so if you are real (and not posting simply to provoke), you need to be able to hear and accept apologies. Repair in relationships is CRUCIAL and again you are putting yourself first and souring the generous gift for your husband. When/ if you have kids they will (especially as toddlers and teens) be massively ungrateful. You need to be able to pause and understand - rather than take offence. And crucially you need to be able to apologise and accept apologies. I think you have some work to do - and also that your sensitivity to ‘fairness’/ feeling easily insulted/ not being able to accept apologies, is likely to have roots in the past. If you can explore this and your reactions in the present, it will not only be good for you, but also for your DH, your relationships and any children you are lucky enough to have.

What an overreaction. I wouldn’t care one bit and my husband would share it with me 😜

@MustWeDoThis absolutely insane post, though I did laugh at the gooseberry yoghurt bit. You have a very similar writing style to the OP so unsurprising that you have similar views.

op was very presumptuous to thank her for the money she gave her husband

very grabby and weird and now you are turning it into a drama

@MyBusyWriter you started a thread on 3 July expressing the exact opposite view point - asking why a mother can't give a gift to her son without involving his wife, from the pov of being a mother of a son. What's going on?

Yes. Although we are not all recent "graduates of grad school", some of us have memories....

AIBU for noticing this? | Mumsnet

Yes I think I saw that, I couldn't find the thread again.

Now that you have wound your husband up to the point where he's "confronted" his mother, I think if I were the mother I'd be cancelling the cheque. Such entitlement from you and lack of gratitude from him reflects very badly on both of you.

You are coming across as a silly, immature girl. One day you may well have a son or two. I hope you reflect on what you have said here about your husband's mother. One day you may well have a DIL. I truly hope she is nicer to you that you are being to your MIL.

I think you are putting far too much emphasis on one act. Move on or this is going rupture the family. I understand why you might feel hurt but this one thing does not necessarily reflect everything she thinks of you.

Yep. The thread I remember MIL bought her son a T-shirt for his birthday and didn’t buy DIL an identical one. Cue an incandescent thread on here. All the same OP. I feel very sorry for the MIL in this, she is a saint.

Interesting. Almost the opposite point of view at that point.

Anyway OP, I imagine you were furious that the card and money were just for your husband, hence you thanking your m in l.
He’s going to spend it on a break with you, she’s apologised. I don’t know what more you can expect now.

My goodness you do sound like hard work. You sound terribly young as well. I assume from your posts that you were still students when you got married.

I'm now more upset that I have loads of posters saying we should treat our marriage as if we could divorce any minute by saying his mom will be more important than me always.

No they aren't. You are projecting. As a parent my daughter will always be more important to me than any partner of hers. When she meets and settle down with someone I would expect her to make her partner her main focus, not me.

Your MIL should have congratulated you on your degree, but your sense of entitlement to the cheque your MIL gave to her son is astonishingly self absorbed.

I am her DIL

Yes, her DIL, not her daughter.

When my mum died I inherited some money. It was my inheritance, not DH's. I chose to use it to pay off our mortgage. DH had no expectations to inherit anything at all, but the money was used to benefit both of us. You seem to be struggling to understand family dynamics.

She already has a son and a daughter apparently

I’d really advise you to calm down op. I’m reaching an age where my friends are getting a divorce and there is a theme amongst them of being the women who won’t let perceived slights against them drop. One of our friends is still raging about something that happened twenty years ago, her husband let his mum see their baby first instead of making her wait outside for both the mums to be present. He was a terrified first time dad alone with a premmie baby. She’s never let it go. Honestly you have to let things go.

You're being very unreasonable.

You sound grabby and attention seeking.

Your poor MIL!

The OP reminds me of another poster on another forum who was so hung up on her DH prioritizing her over her MIL. Post after post about it and disagreed with other posters no matter how unreasonable they said she was being. There’s no getting thru to this one.

However OP I do think your MIL should’ve gotten you a card or a token gift to recognize your accomplishment. I think that was a bit mean for not acknowledging you separately from your DH.