to want to have a talk about my feelings

[MyBusyWriter]

Hi everyone! I'm seeking advice on a situation with my mother-in-law. My husband and I graduated from grad school at the same time, and we've been married for 4 years after dating for 8. We have a very good relationship with his mum and see her often. Recently, she gave my husband a $1000 check for his graduation, and I texted her to thank her, assuming the gift was for both of us given our joint achievement, our marriage, and our close relationship. We've always been treated as a unit by her, and I thought she'd recognize our shared accomplishment. However, she replied saying the cash was actually just meant for my husband. What hurts me is that she explicitly stated it was for him only, and the fact that she didn't include me feels like a subtle distinction. Given our relationship and family dynamic, I didn't expect her to make this kind of separation. I'm very hurt to say the least because she made it a point to exclude me from the card and then explicitly stated in not so many words your graduation doesn't matter and I don't care about it and I don't want you to have any of the money. I'm also confused why she thinks my husband would keep $1000 from me and not share it given we both graduated.

AIBU to want to have a talk with her about my feelings?

“Haha, Face! That’s YOU told!!”

“Oh, bugger - I no longer have a nose…”

It's this bit from the previous monologue thread:

"Like I am expected to view my son as being morphed into one family unit alongside my DIL and my grandchild. I really don't want that. I want to be able to maintain an individual relationship with my son even if he marries the same I would for my daughter."

Singing a different tune today. I feel sorry for the OP's future DIL...

"WE have a very good relationship with his mum" 😂That's the root of your problem OP. He is her son. You might or might not have a very good relationship with her. You are actually separate people.

As a wise Mumsnetter said: '...why is it not acceptable for a mom to once in a great while do a nice thing for her son independent of his wife without the DIL being well what about me. Her son is her child her DIL isn’t.'

That was someone called @MyBusyWriter ...

Ha, I see that @lovealongbath is ahead of me there!

Yeah, this all contradicts your other thread OP. And in that one you have a young son and daughter??

That thread was all about how it's not right that mothers and sons can't do things together without involving his wife.

In fact, all you ever seem to post about is this kind of topic.

This reads like some American teen has been let loose with ChatGPT…

You’re so entitled and demanding OP, everyone is telling you how unreasonable, angry and out of order you’re being and you’re just covering your ears shouting blah blah blah! Grow up OP all I can hear is you shouting “IT’S NOT FAIR” and stomping your foot like a petulant child. It’s perfectly fine for MIL to treat her son for his achievement, it isn’t a slight at you.

I think she was being a bit mean spirited by not acknowledging that you graduated too and being pointed about it when you text.

If it had been me, I would have sent a joint card and money for both of you or treated you for a meal. I might then have taken my son for a separate lunch at a later date, or bought him a little something just for him. But I wouldn't leave out his DW entirely, because that would look mean and petty and I wouldn't want to risk her isolating him from me.

Having said that, you are quite naive to assume that a son's bond with his mother will be weaker than with his wife. Some men might choose their wives, but fewer than you think. My MIL has pissed me off several times but I bite my tongue because I love my DH and I don't want him to feel torn. By sending a passive aggressive thank you text to your MIL, you set out on a path to intentionally cause trouble.

Holy Moly every single post is so entitled and stubborn. I can understand feeling a little hurt that you didn't feel acknowledged, but it is WILD that you assume that the money was automatically for you both (a lot of people DO NOT believe that once you are married you are simply a unit in every way; you are also still two independent people who have chosen and keep choosing to be together). Every reply you're just digging your heels in and actually just showing yourself to be quite unpleasant, over what is in the grand scheme of things quite a small thhing. Congratulations on your graduation.

op you sound totally bonkers and making a huge issue over nothing. I've been married 25 years and have a great relationship with my MIL but she is still my husband's mother and although I am (in her words) like a daughter to her, I am NOT her child. I might find it a bit weird if she took him out for dinner and left me at home but certainly wouldn't stop them and definitely wouldn't bat an eyelid if she gave him and not me a generous cash gift - why would I? He's her SON. He would probably share some of it but I'd encourage him to treat himself to something first.

Back off OP or you risk making a bad situation far far worse.

If you have both just graduated your PhD, I presume his mother has been paying for his survival until about three-four years ago? And probably part of the wedding too? He has literally only just flown the nest so of course his mother is still very close.

You made your assumption and you were wrong. Not every simple thing needs to be shared in a relationship.

Does this poster seem familiar to anyone else? The MIL obsession? The ‘wife over mother’ mantra? The complete inability to engage with what anyone is saying?

Please don't tell us that your subject is one that requires self-reflection and critical thinking

You’re American aren’t you, OP? So your expectations are American expectations, your sense of entitlement is American, your inability to understand any other point of view is American and your determination to be right is American. Not all Americans are like that, of course, but in a general assessment of cultural norms what I’m saying is true

My in laws are very generous but I don’t assume my husbands birthday money is also for me because I also have a birthday 😬

Regardless of your opinion on the hierarchy of the relationships, and regardless of glib sayings, the fact remains that this man is her son, as well as your husband. The way people will refer to others depends on context and the subject of the sentence. Do you expect people to refer to this man as "her daughter-in-law's husband"?

I think you are being unreasonable. Parents are perfectly entitled to give gifts to their married offspring without addressing it to their spouse too. If your husband wants to share the monetary gift with you - either by giving you exactly half, or putting the money towards a joint purchase, that is between you and him.

Unless your own parents spent $1000 on the celebratory dinner for you both, I don't think the two gifts are equivalent. Honestly, in your shoes, I'd just think how generous my mother-in-law had been and be delighted that I'd probably benefit by proxy.

You've said you've had a decent relationship with your MIL until now, so saying you'll be acting much cooler towards her in future after she has just given her own son a very generous gift reflects very badly on you. It makes you sound petty and spiteful. If she'd had a long history of excluding you and this was simply the final hurtful straw it might be different, but it doesn't sound like this at all.

I'd also be concerned about the fact that, based on this thread at least, you seem to lack any identity of your own and see yourself as an extension of your husband. It's not healthy, especially not in the long term.

You are clearly an accomplished woman - you have a PhD. You got that on your own merit. You did the research, you wrote your thesis and defended it. But you're insisting that it's a joint achievement rather than both of you achieving something at the same time. Your husband did his own PhD. Even if you're in a STEM field and your PhDs are on a subset of the same large project, they have to be distinct or else they miss the originality element to be PhDs. Couples should support each other, and it's great that you have a close and supportive relationship, but your achievements are your own.

You must see this, surely? Your research profile will be based on your work, not his?

Sincerely, I congratulate you on your graduation. But I think your reaction to a generous gift from your mother-in-law to her son is unreasonable.

Woah.

OP, your failure to reflect one single bit on the possibility that your reaction to this is completely wrongheaded and disproportionate could really cause harm to your family relationships going forward.

You are convinced that harm has been done to you, but it has not.

From the good things you say about him, your husband deserves more from you than this. You are already making him 'choose' between his wife and his mother, when neither he nor his mother have any wish to do so.

You are creating drama and placing yourself as the wronged person at the centre of it all.

I would honestly be careful how far you want to go here. You obviously hope that you and your DH will be together for a great many years.

You are sowing the seeds of future unhappiness for yourself.

I'm afraid you are coming across here as a very unpleasant, difficult and entitled person. Your DH and MIL have my great sympathy.

You chose to post on here asking whether you were being unreasonable and currently 93% of responders have told you yes, you are, but that’s not what you want to hear so you just keep arguing and trying to defend yourself.

Consider stopping, taking a deep breath and really thinking hard about why nearly everyone here disagrees with you. If you weren’t interested in hearing what people thought, why did you ask?

Will your husband back you up, and put you first, even when you are clearly in the wrong? Doesn’t sound very healthy to me if that is the case.

Indeed. It’s not a competition. I would hope my DS will be able to maintain a loving and close relationship with me alongside any wife or long term partner. I am going to try very hard to be a considerate MIL and be as unproblematic as possible, but I may screw that up! Of course, my future DiL could be a self-centred drama llama…

He should have been the one to thank his own mother for her generosity! The woman does the thanking and in return is reminded of her secondary status!

I don't think his mother did anything wrong by wanting to give him something. It can be a little hard, as a parent to never be able to do something just for your own child when they are in a strong close relationship - even with someone you like very much. She will have been hoping for and supporting his chance of graduation since he was born (not specifically - but all the years reading to him, helping him with times tables, exam revision, uni application etc. add up to a caring attentive parent wanting the best for their child and wanting to celebrate that life-time achievement. I'd think of it more that she really wanted to focus on him, not that she wanted to exclude you.

I wouldn't have a word with her. I'd just step back from ever running around after him on her behalf - he's now in charge of remembering his own family's birthdays, buying their Christmas presents, inviting them for Sunday lunch etc. Not in a passive-aggressive way, just recognising that's his domain. You focus on your own family and on him.

Sounds like it’s one to just leave alone seeing as your DH is sharing it with you as you wanted.

How bizarre and entitled. You would literally approach you mother in law and tell her you think she should give you money?! How fucking rude!

And why did you send a thank you for the money when it was for your husband. It's nothing to do with you. You only sent the thank you so that you could then lead into the fact that you think you deserve half of it!

If you were a man doing this you'd be called a total waste and a controlling arse. Trying to hit up your wife's mum for cash?!

To be fair to OP, she hasn't mentioned being hurt by any material difference, but by having her thanks to her MiL snubbed with a putdown that the gift was not for her. I think anyone would feel a bit knocked by this, even if her reaction is a bit OTT. If FiL had said that to me I'd be reeling a bit, mainly because my sense of our affection and respect for each other would have been knocked right off course.