to want to have a talk about my feelings

[MyBusyWriter]

Hi everyone! I'm seeking advice on a situation with my mother-in-law. My husband and I graduated from grad school at the same time, and we've been married for 4 years after dating for 8. We have a very good relationship with his mum and see her often. Recently, she gave my husband a $1000 check for his graduation, and I texted her to thank her, assuming the gift was for both of us given our joint achievement, our marriage, and our close relationship. We've always been treated as a unit by her, and I thought she'd recognize our shared accomplishment. However, she replied saying the cash was actually just meant for my husband. What hurts me is that she explicitly stated it was for him only, and the fact that she didn't include me feels like a subtle distinction. Given our relationship and family dynamic, I didn't expect her to make this kind of separation. I'm very hurt to say the least because she made it a point to exclude me from the card and then explicitly stated in not so many words your graduation doesn't matter and I don't care about it and I don't want you to have any of the money. I'm also confused why she thinks my husband would keep $1000 from me and not share it given we both graduated.

AIBU to want to have a talk with her about my feelings?

You sound like hard bloody work. Are you expecting to be named on his degree certificate too OP?

Regardless of what my Mother in law might say or do we have always shared all our money and make all financial decisions together. So it’s not really possible for a gift to be to only one of us. Any gift to one of us benefits us as a whole. So I would have been hurt but also it wouldn’t actually make any material difference.

That sounds really tough. Honestly, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel hurt — it makes sense since you both graduated and have always been treated as a team. That said, it might be worth considering whether her intention was less about excluding you and more about giving her son a personal gift. If you do bring it up, maybe frame it gently, focusing on how it made you feel rather than what she “did wrong.” Sometimes these things are more about perspective than malice, and a calm conversation could help clear the air without creating tension.

Entitled much?

It’s her money she can give it to whoever she wants

I’m struggling with this concept of “we graduated together”.

Presumably you took a degree course and your husband also took one? You didn’t do the work and the exams jointly and receive one single graduation certificate with both names on.

Op you sound very entitled

I pity both your husband and mil tbh if this is truly how you are.

I was vaguely with you until this point. He will always be her son.

you do realise it’s not a competition? Plus 2/3rds of marriages end in divorce.

it’s good he has your back but he might not if you blow this out of proportion (I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a mother to buy a present for her son exclusively).

"This graduation was a joint achievement" what? That is seriously weird 🤔

Wow 😮
I'd be totally ashamed if I behaved like that with my in laws
That's entitled and grabby ,and point scoring .. especially if ,like you say ,your DH will share it with you anyway..why make such a fuss

op, you sound very ridiculous. I am guessing that you are very young. You would learn soon enough

Let me tell you it didn't exactly endear her precious baby boy to her either. She dug her own grave on this one.

Wow! She has gifted £1000, and I’m sure knew her son would share this with you, the only normal and decent response from your DH should be ‘thanks SO much Mum! Wife and I are going to spend it on X, we’re so grateful!’ Both of you sound like entitled children.

If you’re ever lucky enough to have a baby boy of your own (given you mention starting a family), you might have cause to reconsider all these words about a son being so much more important to his wife than his mother! It’s not actually a competition, or shouldn’t be.

It’s a present from his mum. If I receive cash gifts from my family it’s for me, now it always goes in the family pot but it was a gift specifically to me. Same goes for my husband, if his mum gives him money it’s for him, it goes in the family pot anyway.

We don’t need to explicitly say so, we don’t need to be included by either side or have it publicly acknowledged that we are a unit and whatever you give one will be shared with the other.

Ask yourself why you need to be acknowledged in this way? While you worked together his graduation is his achievement and your is yours. You can be proud of each other and acknowledge how you contributed to each others lives but it’s weird to try to stake a claim on his graduation gift.

Honestly you sound overbearing.

Seriously - grow the fuck up - is his own mother now not allowed to give him things without involving you????

and don’t do his wifework for him -
next time can say thanks for his own gifts.

I have taken the following quote from another thread, you advised …..

Spending time individually with your child, recognizing their accomplishments, and showing them love and support shouldn't have to completely stop just because they're married. A simple gesture like giving a gift to celebrate their new role as a dad or checking in on how they're adjusting to fatherhood shouldn't be seen as undermining their partner. Can't a mother still have a special bond with her child without it being perceived as a threat to their marriage or family unit? Can't she still be a mother to her child, without being expected to sacrifice her relationship with them on the altar of family unity?

I respectfully ask that you listen to your own advice.

Uuughh CRINGE!! your poor husband and in-laws. I really feel for them.
I think you need some help tbh you don't come across as mentally stable.

I've only read your replies, OP, but i can see that I'm in agreement with other posters.

And stop saying her son. He is my husband once married he is more a husband than a son the husband and wife relationship is more important than the mother son one

This is a ridiculous comment.

Neither relationship cancels out or supercedes the other.

I am a mother of an adult son and also the partner of an adult son.

My partner's mum gave him £1000 a couple of years ago for no reason other than she wanted to.

The gift was to him. That is her choice as his mother. He chose to spend it on a couple of small things he wanted and the rest of it on us together. She didn't mind this in the slightest.

She gave the gift to him and it was up to him what he did with it.

Similarly, if my son were married and I gifted him £1000, the gift would be made to him. What he chose to do with the money would be up to him. He could spend it on himself or spend it on his partner/wife and himself together but the gift would still have been made to him.

My partner's mum respects me and our relationship and I would respect.my son' wife and their relationship but it's silly to say that one relationship is more important than the other because they are so very different they can't be compared.

You sound hard work OP. I pity the MIL that you have decided to go to war with and are quite clearly in competition with.

I’m embarrassed for you, OP. What’s really going on either you that is fuelling this raging insecurity? You appearing to be experiencing sibling rivalry with your DH, and to think that your MIL not treating you equally means she’s done something wrong.

If he spends the money on you or treats it as a joint gift, that is up to him.

It is his gift. He can do anything with it.

He is her son and she gifted it to him. I really can't understand why you would have a problem with this, tbh.

I remember you. You called me and others really nasty names the last time you posted, something about a phone call your dh dared to have with his own mother.
I mentioned that my ds stayed with me a couple of nights when my mum died because I was struggling and you were unbelievably rude and offensive. You are a nasty piece of work.