to want to have a talk about my feelings

[MyBusyWriter]

Hi everyone! I'm seeking advice on a situation with my mother-in-law. My husband and I graduated from grad school at the same time, and we've been married for 4 years after dating for 8. We have a very good relationship with his mum and see her often. Recently, she gave my husband a $1000 check for his graduation, and I texted her to thank her, assuming the gift was for both of us given our joint achievement, our marriage, and our close relationship. We've always been treated as a unit by her, and I thought she'd recognize our shared accomplishment. However, she replied saying the cash was actually just meant for my husband. What hurts me is that she explicitly stated it was for him only, and the fact that she didn't include me feels like a subtle distinction. Given our relationship and family dynamic, I didn't expect her to make this kind of separation. I'm very hurt to say the least because she made it a point to exclude me from the card and then explicitly stated in not so many words your graduation doesn't matter and I don't care about it and I don't want you to have any of the money. I'm also confused why she thinks my husband would keep $1000 from me and not share it given we both graduated.

AIBU to want to have a talk with her about my feelings?

Anyone else already pitying OP's future DIL/SIL?

Honestly OP you sound very young and immature, and very insecure in your relationships.

I wish your MIL lots of luck.

This cannot be real, surely.

If my MIL(of 20+ years) chooses to get/give DH something then it has never occurred to me to be offended. also who wants a hi vis jacket

All family relationships are important not just the one between you and your husband.

@MyBusyWriter mu husband and I are a unit yes but we are also individuals within that. Marrying hasn’t made us one person we are still two people working together.

Her son had an achievement and in her pride and her joy about his achievement she forgot to celebrate yours. Which whilst I can see is hurtful not also to get a card it was a mistake

acting like this and shutting her off for a mistake is petty and doesn’t allow for the idea that you still are two separate people

There was a thread very similar to this a few months back

Why the competition.
If I was his DM I'd cut contact with him.
My DS is only 10, if I am ever a MIL, I'll speak when spoken to and mirror DIL needs in a positive manner.
But I draw the line at entertaining bat shit reactions, by cutting them off.

I thought that too.

I rhink there was also one which told an identical story but from the mil's perspective.

Might have been the same one.

OP [posts in AIBU]
MN: yes
OP: here’s why you’re all wrong…

I think you are overthinking this and (per another thread about rejection dysphoria) taking this too personally.

MiL gave her son a gift. As is her right. He chose (as my DH would do) to share that gift and interpret it as a shared achievement. It’s not personal. By not including you she is not, infact, excluding you - it’s not binary; that’s immature/emotional thinking (which we’re all prone to from time to time). He is her son. You married him, not her. You did not become her proxy daughter (even though many of us are lucky to have that relationship with our ILs, it is not a given).

As it stands, your DH misinterpreted the nature of the gift (or oversimplified it), you thanked her, she’s corrected you, you’ve apologised, he’s going to share it anyway so there is no need to make this a bigger deal that it needs to be.

Sabotaging your relationship with a mindset that includes ‘only giving back the same energy’ and perceiving it as an indication that you do not matter will ultimately only hurt you - and any children you go on to have together, as she will be less likely to offer you BOTH support and engage willingly and enthusiastically with any grandchildren if she feels she is walking on eggshells.

Let this go and enjoy the achievement you have both made, and the little windfall he has received.

Wise move.

It's much better when you write the posts yourself rather than using Chat GBT.

If you and your husband want to be 'one person' that's fine but you need to accept that other people may find it a bit odd.

You are an utterly horrible person. In every post you have written it is all about ME ME ME. I cannot see a single redeeming feature. If I can see it, so can everyone else. "Lady"? You really have no quality,

And followed it up by saying she was not going to do anything for her MIL ever again. Nice.

Eh? It was a present for his graduation. I bet she didn’t say you weren’t allowed to benefit from the money. A graduation is his achievement however you supported him.

Bloody hell you sound like my SIL who got so upset her husband was going out for lunch with his dad/brother when she was working. He is no longer allowed to have lunch or even go to the cinema unless she is also invited. You have now kicked off because she has apologised for hurting your feelings. She can't bloody win can she 😂How dare she not realise that you are the most important person in the family now

No. - don’t put this on her.

You made a slight mistake and possibly embarrassed her by seeming pushy and entitled. For your own sake, just own this gaffe and don’t let it affect your future relationships.

You are a nightmare

OP, you said your marital relationship is more important then your DH's and your MIL's. You expect people to realise this, so why can't you accept that your MIL thinks her relationship to her son is more important to her than your marital relationship?

Wow. The OP is operating at Olympic levels of cheek.

OP: AIBU?

Everyone: Yes!

Op: But I'm his WIFE

🙄

For us, our marital relationship is closer and more important than his relationship with his mother.

This is your problem right here - it's your attitude, not hers. You have different relationships but in your head you're in competition and you always have to come first.

This is why Im already nervous about being a mil in the future!

Does anyone even care if you graduated? Lots of people do it nowadays. He is her son. You are being precious.

Wow! Thanks for that @lovealongbath, even though I feel rather stupid now!

oh gosh...how cringe. 😬