to want to have a talk about my feelings

[MyBusyWriter]

Hi everyone! I'm seeking advice on a situation with my mother-in-law. My husband and I graduated from grad school at the same time, and we've been married for 4 years after dating for 8. We have a very good relationship with his mum and see her often. Recently, she gave my husband a $1000 check for his graduation, and I texted her to thank her, assuming the gift was for both of us given our joint achievement, our marriage, and our close relationship. We've always been treated as a unit by her, and I thought she'd recognize our shared accomplishment. However, she replied saying the cash was actually just meant for my husband. What hurts me is that she explicitly stated it was for him only, and the fact that she didn't include me feels like a subtle distinction. Given our relationship and family dynamic, I didn't expect her to make this kind of separation. I'm very hurt to say the least because she made it a point to exclude me from the card and then explicitly stated in not so many words your graduation doesn't matter and I don't care about it and I don't want you to have any of the money. I'm also confused why she thinks my husband would keep $1000 from me and not share it given we both graduated.

AIBU to want to have a talk with her about my feelings?

My husband used to get £1,000 every Xmas from his late mother, plus small presents for both of us. That was fine - she was his mother, not mine, and I knew the money was for him. All lovely mother & son stuff. I got on well with my MIL, but I certainly never expected her to treat me the same as her own child.

Totally irrelevant. I gift my son separately whenever the hell I want and thankfully she doesn’t judge.

Oopsie!

You really sound a spoilt attention seeking brat. None of the partners of my adult children behave like you. It's her son she can gift him without you. I would, and do, but my son and daughter partners are adults.
You honestly don't come across well. My sympathy is with the MIL.

So the current thread is a reverse written by a mother in law as the thread you posted seems to be written by a mother upset that she has to maintain more boundaries with her married son than married daughter?

Seems like this is a reverse thread written by MIL pretending to be DIL and hearing people side with MIL making DIL look even more unreasonable.

This is a reverse thread.

But in that other thread she was a mother to two young children.

Op I’ll say this: If I received a thank you text from my DIL under the same exact circumstances, I would've just assumed my son shared the money with his wife - I wouldn't go out of my way to make her feel weird about her husband doing something that's perfectly normal within the realm of a marriage.

I think it's even stranger that your MIL would expect your husband not to share $1000 with his own wife. In most marriages that amount of money would be shared or go into the shared bank account. And honestly, it's telling she didn't even add your name to the card. It almost comes across like she's purposely snubbing you and ignoring you. Even if she didn't want to give you money addressed to you, a token gift or acknowledgement would've been nice, especially considering she's been in the family for so long.

If my DIL sent me that text I would simply say, “you’re welcome congratulations on your graduation that’s wonderful!” I would assume my son probably used it towards a weekend get away to celebrate them both graduating at the same time or towards something special/exciting that benefited them both. I think he would be a real ass if he didn’t share with his wife knowing his wife also graduated.

I agree with this it’s a pile on for sure. Who in their right mind when someone says thank you doesn’t just assume their child just shared the money with their spouse and doesn’t just say, “thank you.” That’s why it reads to me like the MIL was purposely snubbing her DIL and waiting for a reaction. Also I feel like if we reversed it and it was the MIL who came on here and said they both graduated at the same exact time and she has known her DIL since before she even started school and got her nothing people would be saying how rude it was.

This is crazy! Only on mumsnet would someone say that a man should hold his mother in higher importance and their relationship should be more important than the relationship he has with his own wife. When you get married you “leave” your parents and start your own immediate family with your wife and any kids you might have. I certainly would expect our married relationship to come first

It is absolutely weird for your MIL who has been around since before OP was even in school to not get her at least a small token gift.

This thread was resurrected today but it’s not worth it. It is over six months since it was previously posted on, and the OP is long gone. Probably to start another weird thread about her DiL.

It had mercifully expired.

Apologies if I’ve missed something. I got to about half way in and you seem, with respect, to have an answer for everything.

I really think you’ve all got your wires crossed, mainly caused by your husband. By him presuming it was for both of you and making a fuss of you both opening it, you have presumed it was for you too. There’s nothing wrong with a mother giving her son a graduation gift. You’ve all got your wires crossed, you’re “hurt” you’re not included but really your MIL has done nothing wrong. And from I understand the poor woman has even apologised to you or that she feels bad that you weren’t included? If I’ve got that right? The poor woman can’t win.

I treat my DILs exactly like I treat my adult sons. In my mind, why wouldn’t I? They’re part of the family, I want them to feel part of the family. If I give presents or money or cards to my sons, I do for my DILs as well, just as my MIL did for me. And I’m happy to do that.

However if I wanted to give my son a present of money or whatever, particularly as an achievement or acknowledgment, I feel I should be able to. If he then wants to share it with my DIL, so be it. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. But I don’t think I should be made to feel bad for doing it. I’m easily convinced my DILs have received lots from their mums that my sons aren’t involved in….girly afternoon teas and brunches, shopping sprees, overnight stays etc. I’m not offended that their mum does it for them and nor are my adult sons. That’s something between them.

My husband and I have been together for a lifetime. We met as kids and we’re now very very old. I’m not upset that I wasn’t mentioned in my ILs will despite knowing them all my life. They left money to their adult kids and it’s up to those individuals to do what they want with their money. As it happens, we decided together what to do with the money, but I’m not owed anything, if my husband had said it’s money left to me, so be it. My nan left us all money in her will including my husband. This is all irrelevant really because we have joint everything and we decided together as a couple what to with inheritance…but what I’m trying to say badly maybe…is that it’s not a complicated competition. Your mil gave the money to her son, she said sorry (I think) if you felt left out and now it’s up to you and your husband…or just your husband, with what to do with it. It’s not a competition in anyway in who loves who or who gets what or what is acknowledged.

You seem to have taken it on as judge and jury that your mil doesn’t love you, doesn’t acknowledge you and you and your graduation doesn’t matter. Maybe she thought it was up to your mum and dad to acknowledge your graduation. Ok your mum and dad took you out, both of you, very nice. Your mil chose something different. Is that really earth spinning shattering.

I think you need to pull yourself up and let this go. The woman really hasn’t done anything wrong.

Edit, I’ve just seen the post is old!!

reposted bc I forgot to quote

And also to add if you give your son money and your DIL texts you thank you wouldn’t you safely assume he decided tk share with his wife especially if it’s a decent amount. I would think you would want to encourage your son not to hoard money for himself but to see and appreciate his wife and make sure she is acknowledged as well and as his mother you would encourage your son to see his wife and appreciate her. If you are actually upset your son would share the money with his wife then you don’t really support your DILS as much as you claim

You contradict yourself, saying you treat your DILs and sons equally, yet justify MIL giving a gift only to her son. If you treat them equally, wouldn't you acknowledge OP's achievement too? It's odd MIL didn't get OP anything, especially given their close relationship.

The "it's up to her parents" argument doesn't fly – I've acknowledged friends' graduations, and bosses even throw luncheons for employees' milestones. Would you say in those cases, "their parents will acknowledge it, so we shouldn't"? No, you show appreciation because it's a big deal.

And let's be honest, it wasn't just the son who graduated – OP did too, with the same degree, at the same time. You say you get your sons gifts for their accomplishments, but this was a joint accomplishment. Seems like MIL is making a distinction that doesn't need to be made.

When OP thanked her, wouldn't common sense say her son would share the cash gift with his wife? MIL's reaction to the thank-you and not getting OP a token gift doesn't scream "close relationship".

You yourself said "I treat my DILs equal to my sons, why wouldn't I" – so it's safe to assume if they both graduated at the same time with the same degree, you'd acknowledge both, right? Not just one half of the couple. Given that, I think OP's hurt feelings make sense. Most MILs would've addressed the card to both members of the couple – it's a joint celebration! It's going to get shared anyways, and it costs nothing to be inclusive.

You also said you love and are close with your DILs, so if one of them came to you hurt by something, it's safe to say you wouldn't double down – you'd acknowledge it and try to make it better. That's what OP's doing here, expressing her feelings and hoping for a resolution.

I think it's great OP feels comfortable enough to be honest with her MIL about her feelings. Saying "hey, I felt overlooked and hurt" is a great way to clear the air and improve their relationship. Maybe MIL will listen and learn.

I wouldn’t be unhappy at all if my son shared it with my DIL at all and I said that in my post. “So be it” I think I said. What my son does with any money I give him (should I give him any, I haven’t ) is completely up to him. I do support my DILs fully just as I claim to. I would always want my sons to appreciate and support their wives. Would I acknowledge my DILs graduation yes I would. Equally if I gave my son some money, it’s entirely up to him what he does with it.

Jesus, you sound about 12.

Right! So if your DIL thanked you wouldn’t you assume your son either decided to share it with his wife or he presented to his wife as a couples gift saying, “mom gave us money what should we use it for?” The fact that OP states she has a close relationship with her MIL the behavior seems odd and given you yourself say of course you would treat them equal can’t you have a bit of sympathy for OP and understanding as to why she might feel hurt and overlooked? It’s really not that insane that when your husband receives a huge chunk of money for his graduation and you graduate at the same exact time with the same exact degree and your mil who you always though viewed you as close family does nothing to have some feelings about it? Once married generally couples should be treated equally or close to it. It’s odd she didn’t just address it to both of them

You do realise there is no such word as ' gotten' .

I’m Scottish and “gotten” is widely used where I am. Also used in the US (and this OP mentioned dollars in an earlier post).

This is a constant issue with posters on this site who’ve clearly never been north of the Watford Gap and have no qualms about announcing it for all to see.

Ill-gotten gains…?

Of course it’s a word. It’s archaic British English, and modern North American English (which also happens to be the most widely spoken form of English).

Of course there is