to want to have a talk about my feelings

[MyBusyWriter]

Hi everyone! I'm seeking advice on a situation with my mother-in-law. My husband and I graduated from grad school at the same time, and we've been married for 4 years after dating for 8. We have a very good relationship with his mum and see her often. Recently, she gave my husband a $1000 check for his graduation, and I texted her to thank her, assuming the gift was for both of us given our joint achievement, our marriage, and our close relationship. We've always been treated as a unit by her, and I thought she'd recognize our shared accomplishment. However, she replied saying the cash was actually just meant for my husband. What hurts me is that she explicitly stated it was for him only, and the fact that she didn't include me feels like a subtle distinction. Given our relationship and family dynamic, I didn't expect her to make this kind of separation. I'm very hurt to say the least because she made it a point to exclude me from the card and then explicitly stated in not so many words your graduation doesn't matter and I don't care about it and I don't want you to have any of the money. I'm also confused why she thinks my husband would keep $1000 from me and not share it given we both graduated.

AIBU to want to have a talk with her about my feelings?

Unless your husband is also you'r brother you're being ridiculous. I'm not going to be giving dd's future partners a grand on graduation, but if she wants to share it's up to her. My in laws aren't my parents. They get a token gift for me and a bigger one for their son and granddaughter and that makes sense. My parents do the same and prioritise me. In reality it all goes into joint pot.

It feels like some of you are assuming my husband would prioritize being a loyal son over being a loving husband by accepting the gift individually. For us, our marital relationship is closer and more important than his relationship with his mother.

Absolutely no one here has said anything of the sort. What people do keep trying to point out - and you still seem absolutely determined not to get - is that your marriage does not override or conflict with the parent-child one here.

None of this is about your husband prioritizing his mother over you, and no one (including your MIL) has suggested he shouldn't share the gifted funds with you if that's what he wants. Of course he can accept the gift individually and use it for something for both of you, because she gave it to him to do with as he pleases.

The fact that you keep making this about who is more important to him is not healthy.

I think you just assumed incorrectly so just leave it there, no need to speak to her, it really shouldn’t be a big deal

A card and small gift from her to you would have been a nice gesture though, did she give you anything?

You’ve got muddled up in the family dynamics. I understand what you’re saying but he is her son. You are his wife. Of course you do everything together with your DH but that’s how these things work. If it makes you feel any better I made the same assumptions with ex’s family, I just didn’t understand family politics. Learn and move on. Oh and congratulations on your graduation.

I've seen people show appreciation to their child's partner, even in less committed relationships like a bf/GF relationship with gifts for milestones like high school graduation. Given that my husband and I have a long-term, committed relationship and are married, I would expect at least some recognition of my achievement from his mother. It's not that I expected a separate $1000 gift for myself, but rather that I felt excluded when she didn't even acknowledge my achievement in the card or give me a small token of recognition, like flowers. The fact that she didn't include my name on the card or make any gesture towards me made me feel like my accomplishment wasn't valued or recognized. Of course if she gave me a small gift I would expect my husband her son to get a much bigger gift but c'mon now to not gift your DIL anything not even a card is very odd.

Thank you! Yup will live and learn I guess. The fact my graduation went unacknowledged by my MIL shows how she really views me and what she thinks of me so I will proceed accordingly in my relationship with her. I will always be cordial and polite but nothing more than that since she made it clear I don't matter

I agree it would have been nice for her to acknowledge you graduation in a small way.

Where is your own family in the picture OP? If they are absent I can see why you would get a bit upset not feeling like your achievements are being recognised - but gently, your MIL is not your mother and she if perfectly reasonable to treat her son separately from you.

I hope you have a nice weekend away celebrating!

If this is real I wish your MIL good luck. It's going to be a long hard road. She sent her son a graduation gift and card and didn't include you so you are going to "proceed accordingly in my relationship with her"

Good luck to your husband too.

Your graduation didn't go unacknowledged, she congratulated you.

She took care to gift her son for his graduation in private to avoid leaving you sitting there empty handed while he got a gift, and then left it up to him to decide what to do with his gift.

She has not said you don't matter, that is a ridiculous overdramatization. But I also doubt this is the first time you've kicked off like this or tried to compete with his mother in 8 years

She sent her son a (monetary) gift to congratulate him on his postgraduate degree.

She got a thank you message from her daughter in law, to whom she hadn't sent anything.

She probably felt like her DIL was claiming the money she'd sent as a gift to her son.

It was presumptuous of you, @MyBusyWriter to assume her gift to her son was a mutual gift. You wouldn't thank her for a birthday present she'd sent him, would you?

Thank fuck my DIL is nothing like you.

OP, you are such hard work. Looking for ways to be offended. Good luck to your MIL, she's going to need all of it.

She hasn't ever excluded me like this before. I'm not sure why you assume there was another issue? I'm not competing with anyone but if you wanted to make that claim wouldn't it be that I am competing with my husband since I am upset that he got a gift and I didn't get acknowledged on the card? Me competing with my MIL would be if my husband got me and my MIL say a gift for Xmas and I got upset because I thought her gift was "better" or something like that. And it really wasn't that difficult for her to do something small flowers something to acknowledge me or I don't know take the two extra seconds to add my name on the card when I graduated literally the same effing day my husband did. Also my husband is the one who came home and said mom got us a card for graduation lets open it. So if anything shouldn't MIL's anger be directed towards her son for telling his wife it was for both of them not mad at her DIL for assuming her husband was telling the truth when he said WE got a card??

I bet you wouldn't completely overlook your DIL either on her graduation. It works both ways.

You do matter and please don’t change your behaviour as right now it’ll be emotionally reactive. In the long term adjust your expectations from them.

I mean our birthdays aren't on the same day we graduated on the same day and we are married and I'm her DIL it isn't far fetched at all

I won't be rude to her or anything I just meet people where they are. So if you are showing me where we stand I proceed accordingly in my dealings with you. So before I went out of my way to give her gifts and do favors etc well since she made it clear my accomplishments were "less than" her son's then from now on her son can be in charge of gift giving favors etc. Why is that a bad thing

Kindly, OP, you're being told really clearly here that it's not your MiL who is in the wrong and you're just doubling down - why post if the responses aren't going to make you reflect?

Quite.

I won't be rude to her or anything I just meet people where they are. So if you are showing me where we stand I proceed accordingly in my dealings with you. So before I went out of my way to give her gifts and do favors etc well since she made it clear my accomplishments were "less than" her son's then from now on her son can be in charge of gift giving favors etc. Why is that a bad thing?

Also our marital relationship comes before the mother son relationship. Of course he will put me first and back me up. He doesn't live with his mother, share a life with his mother, planning a family with his mother, and most importantly he isn't a complete momma's boy. Her favorite saying to throw around is a son is a son til he gets a wife a daughter is a daughter for life because he asked his mom why she texted me what she did and said she could have said you're welcome because he said he is confused when we graduated together why she didn't get me at least something small as I am his wife and we been together a long time and she was around for my full school journey as well and he always thought we were close. He said he doesn't like it when his wife gets hurt

I also feel sad for the MIL. What entitled behaviour.

Edit: Just read the system you have in place ranking people in order of importance and you first, OP!

My goodness! 😂