to want to have a talk about my feelings

[MyBusyWriter]

Hi everyone! I'm seeking advice on a situation with my mother-in-law. My husband and I graduated from grad school at the same time, and we've been married for 4 years after dating for 8. We have a very good relationship with his mum and see her often. Recently, she gave my husband a $1000 check for his graduation, and I texted her to thank her, assuming the gift was for both of us given our joint achievement, our marriage, and our close relationship. We've always been treated as a unit by her, and I thought she'd recognize our shared accomplishment. However, she replied saying the cash was actually just meant for my husband. What hurts me is that she explicitly stated it was for him only, and the fact that she didn't include me feels like a subtle distinction. Given our relationship and family dynamic, I didn't expect her to make this kind of separation. I'm very hurt to say the least because she made it a point to exclude me from the card and then explicitly stated in not so many words your graduation doesn't matter and I don't care about it and I don't want you to have any of the money. I'm also confused why she thinks my husband would keep $1000 from me and not share it given we both graduated.

AIBU to want to have a talk with her about my feelings?

My own mother gave my husband £500 for his birthday a couple of years ago because he had helped her loads with her house and car that year. I certainly didn’t expect half of that. Not that I did much to help so why would I, but you could argue I was at home dealing with the 3 kids so that he could help her, but that’s splitting hairs.
I was just happy that he felt appreciated.

OP, I remember your previous threads about MIL.

Why do you keep rehashing these posts?

Trust me, mothers-in-law are capable of behaviour that's far worse than this. I could write a book. You say that you have a good relationship with her. If you'd like things to stay that way, imho you should keep schtum.

God, you sound insufferable and I hope against hope my son doesn’t marry someone like you.

This man is your husband for now… he will always be his mothers son and she is allowed to celebrate and treat him without doing to exact same for you.

Are you not even going to take on board that 94% of nearly 1000 votes says you’re being unreasonable.

It's the same poster! You can tell by the language.

Does she usually acknowledge you at birthdays and Christmas? If so it’s not unreasonable to expect an acknowledgment of sorts on graduation. The fact that you accomplished this together is something else. Not sure why the mumsnet pile on force is out again. I think it was rude of her not to acknowledge you…. And once the misunderstanding had been realised she could have just said you’re welcome and had a conversation with her husband to clear things up. It was thoughtless of her on both accounts.

I would keep my distance. She’s telling you who she is.

Absolutely. (And the mania.)

Fairly clearly there is something else going on here.

The Op appears to have something of a track record for complaining about her MIL and has children that she makes no reference to here.

If i was being nice I'd assume a creative writing exercise.

Must say this is why MN is irritating - the constant name changes allows for some people to post weird shit under different guises.

It's a shame those of us who recognise her didn't see the post before it got so many replies.

Edit after seeing other posts.

She's HIS mother, she's probably been dreaming his graduation for years, all she's doing is giving him a gift, theres no need to make a fuss over it. If you want a gift so desperately then go to your parents Stop being a kid you are a grown ahh woman, GROW UP!💁‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Agreed. This says it all.

I think as your husband assumed it was for both of you then it was only polite that you should thank her. I think she was rude to tell you it was just for him and rude and excluding of her not to acknowledge your graduation. It's all very passive aggressive. She could have got you both a card transferred the money to him and left it up to him how he interpreted that. I'm with you on this. Congrats on your graduation

Op you have to stop engaging with posters. Some of them doubling down to tell you that your relationship is not as important as a mother son’s. You are hurt as you feel you are not treated part of family by your MIL. It’s possible some things you are saying out of hurt. But posters have nothing emotional in this but still responding like it’s so personal for them. There is no need to insult you saying you have main character energy or sarcastic good luck to MIL. But Aibu is meant to kick a op not agreeing to posters.

??
OP has a son?

yes @Trendyname

Another PP on this thread has found a previous thread made by the same OP as this. She mentions that she has a young son and daughter...

In this thread she does, and a young daughter. She also has a totally different attitude re all this.

AIBU for noticing this? | Mumsnet

She can gift her son, she doesn't need to include you in everything.

Tedious reverse maybe?

You sound very possessive.
You only ever have one mother but you can get married again.
I think you probably feel embarrassed at your misstep and are trying to save face. I don't see the point of falling out with your MIL if you're going to share the gift anyway.

And it gets even more complicated when it comes to showing appreciation for her son's accomplishments. If a mother wants to treat her son to something special for working hard or achieving a milestone, it's often viewed as undermining her DIL or not recognizing her efforts. Like, somehow, showing love and appreciation for her son is seen as a criticism of her DIL.

This Is You OP - 03/07/2025

Completely contradicting your argument in your current post. So what gives? Are you doing research for a book? A thesis? Trolling? Losing it?

Enquiring minds need to know.

“wouldn't he think I would thank his mom since HE worded it saying it was to US?”

Perhaps she was rather hoping her DS would thank his own mother. Perhaps she felt rather hurt that her own son couldn't be bothered to text her.

You started your post by saying how well you’ve always had a “very good relationship” with MIL, how she has always treated you well as a unit, and yet the one time she wants to just so something for the man she raised and nurtured, you take it as a personal slight and will “adjust” your relationship with her accordingly. It sounds like you really didn't like her very much to begin with, tbh. You may be a unit, who supported each other through your studies, but that does not exclude his own mother from celebrating and congratulating her son, and it only reflects her feelings about you in your eyes. I think it’s poor form that you’ve effectively caused a potential rift between a mother and her son because of your overreaction.

It’s really nice that your parents took you both for a nice meal (I assume they took you, rather than gifting something for just the two of you?), and it’s also lovely that DH wants to share his gift with you, but that does not in any way make it unreasonable for a mother to gift something to her son.

I get on very well with DS’s GF, shes a very lovely girl and I hope that she and DS will have a very long and happy relationship, as they seem well-suited and extremely happy. They are looking to purchase a property together next year and will hopefully marry, if that’s what’s right for them, but I sincerely hope that he won’t throw a tantrum if her parents decide to give her a gift 🙄

and she said oh of course your loyalties would lie with her a son is a son till he takes a wife I mean she expects him to side with her and back her up over his own wife

That comment say a lot about her, she sounds silly and a bit jealous, instead of saying sorry or giving an explanation she turns it on her son and accuses him of choosing one of ye over the other….you really need to watch out for this one!

And stop saying her son. He is my husband once married he is more a husband than a son the husband and wife relationship is more important than the mother son one.

So by your "logic" it makes sense that she didn't include you in the gift. What with the husband and wife relationship being the "more important" than the mother son one. She obviously thought the "most important" gift to you would come from your husband 😊

Oh, dear! 😅