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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to have a talk about my feelings

299 replies

MyBusyWriter · 23/09/2025 23:18

Hi everyone! I'm seeking advice on a situation with my mother-in-law. My husband and I graduated from grad school at the same time, and we've been married for 4 years after dating for 8. We have a very good relationship with his mum and see her often. Recently, she gave my husband a $1000 check for his graduation, and I texted her to thank her, assuming the gift was for both of us given our joint achievement, our marriage, and our close relationship. We've always been treated as a unit by her, and I thought she'd recognize our shared accomplishment. However, she replied saying the cash was actually just meant for my husband. What hurts me is that she explicitly stated it was for him only, and the fact that she didn't include me feels like a subtle distinction. Given our relationship and family dynamic, I didn't expect her to make this kind of separation. I'm very hurt to say the least because she made it a point to exclude me from the card and then explicitly stated in not so many words your graduation doesn't matter and I don't care about it and I don't want you to have any of the money. I'm also confused why she thinks my husband would keep $1000 from me and not share it given we both graduated.

AIBU to want to have a talk with her about my feelings?

OP posts:
PollyBell · 23/09/2025 23:21

She is right

Clueless12389 · 23/09/2025 23:21

She did nothing wrong. Would you expect a share of his birthday or Christmas money?

SandyY2K · 23/09/2025 23:22

She's entitled to give her son a gift that's just for him. It would be quite entitled for you to discuss this with her, like she's done something wrong.

Don't destroy the relationship you have with her over this issue.

Putting my counsellor hat on, I'd say there's more than this for you and it could be bringing up something deeper routed in your own FOO ( family of origin) and your upbringing.

Notonthestairs · 23/09/2025 23:23

I’ve been married 20 years and have been fortunate to have lovely in-laws. But I do not expect DH’s gifts from them to be split with me. If he chooses to do so that’s lovely but that’s between us.

She wanted to give her son something to celebrate him. That’s not a slight on you, it doesn’t need to reflect your relationship at all, just something from parent to child.

So I think you overreached.

SparklyCardigan · 23/09/2025 23:24

You're not her daughter, why would she give you money for your graduation?

ilovesooty · 23/09/2025 23:24

Your husband can decide whether to share it with you. Your mother in law hasn't done anything wrong and you shouldn't raise it with her.

IPM · 23/09/2025 23:25

You were very cheeky to thank her for a cheque made out to your husband and you know it!

If your husband wants to share it with you he will.

Katflapkit · 23/09/2025 23:26

She gave her son a gift for his achievement. It doesn't exclude you. She is his mother, it's totally acceptable. Stop looking for blame where there is none. Did your parents give a card or a gift?

Backat · 23/09/2025 23:27

Why did you assume it was a gift for both of you? Did your husband say “hey @MyBusyWriter this is a graduation gift for both us?”

That said. I think it’s a bit weird if you guys have shared finances that she went out of her way to say it’s a gift just for her son. Because most likely it will be spent on both of you.

But maybe she was annoyed and felt you were presumptuous. Or wants her son to spend it treating just himself if he wants.

Just curious - did your family (parents) get you anything? If not, do you think that’s the main issue you’re a bit miffed?

ETA: you say the card made it clear it was for him. So again why did you think it was for both of you? If you thanked her after you saw the card I’m pretty sure she felt you were being a bit passive aggressive even by thanking her for something that you knew was not for you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/09/2025 23:29

You say the card made it clear it was only to him so it’s odd you thanked her for it. You both knew it was for him, I expect she found your message rude or at least pushy.

It’s up to him what he spends it on but don’t damage your relationship with her over this. She gave her son a gift. That’s lovely and normal. Let him enjoy it.

Lispbon · 23/09/2025 23:30

2 things. First, she didn’t include you on the card so it was clear it wasn’t a joint a gift. Your error.

Second “explicitly stating in not so many words” is a contradiction. Was she explicit ie did she say “your graduation doesn’t matter and I don’t care”. Or, was there not so many words, and you inferred from the sole gift that yours doesn’t matter? If the former, that’s unkind. If the latter, that’s your own presumption

skippy67 · 23/09/2025 23:34

I'm also confused why she thinks my husband would keep $1000 from me and not share it given we both graduated

You don't know that's what she thinks. Stop making stuff up to make yourself into a victim. Which you're not btw. Your MiL has done nothing wrong.

R0ckandHardPlace · 23/09/2025 23:35

Look at it from her side. He’s her son. She gave birth to him, raised him, invested in his education, and now he’s graduated that is a culmination of all her efforts and she is showing her pride in him.

She hasn’t put the same level of investment into you, though I’m sure she’s pleased for you. Her gift was for her son.

mummymetalhead · 23/09/2025 23:41

I have no idea why you would even think it was yours!
Do you get half of his birthday and Christmas presents as well? He is her son. She is allowed to get something for her son without his wife trying to take it.
I have a fantastic relationship with my MIL but if she gave my husband a monetary present, I wouldn’t just assume I was entitled to it!
YABU

FlockofSquirrels · 23/09/2025 23:45

It's perfectly reasonable for a parent to give their own child a gift to mark an occasion like that. She spent decades raising and supporting her son, hoping he would achieve goals like this. If she has other children this is probably in line with how she's gifted in the past.

She didn't "exclude" you because it was a gift for him, for his graduation. The two of you graduating is two simultaneous achievements, not a joint one - you aren't an equal recipient of his degree and he isn't of yours. She didn't make any statements about your achievement not being important. And she didn't show any expectation that he would "keep" a gift from you, she just made it clear that it was his gift to do what he wanted with.

And I don't believe for a second that you innocently thought it was for both of you and called (on your own) to thank her. You saw you weren't on the card, didn't like it, and were being passive aggressive. She chose not to play into that game.

Let your DH be gifted and shown love and pride by his own mum.

VoltaireMittyDream · 23/09/2025 23:50

Another poster who expects to be totally merged and enmeshed with their partner’s family, and then has some weird pseudo sibling rivalry with their own spouse.

Iwantsandybeachesandgoodfood · 23/09/2025 23:51

I think it’s really cheeky of you! Why would she need to acknowledge YOUR achievements. I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years and we’re a family unit but we’re still individuals. He’s still her son and she’s entitled to give him a congratulatory gift. Did your parents give you both gifts?

ViperHalliwell · 23/09/2025 23:54

I wouldn't have assumed it was for both of you if it was inside a card with just his name on it. Of course he was free to share it with you and she may even have 100% assumed that he would given your shared financial situation, but it was also her choice to give it to him. Maybe it was something she planned before you were even in the picture, something she did with all her children to mark special occasions, something her parents did with her. Maybe your husband can shed some light if it's confusing you.

Did she acknowledge your graduation in any way, even just verbally? If you're hurt or surprised that she didn't acknowledge it at all, then I think that might have been something to discuss if you have the kind of relationship with her where you do discuss such things - but be careful to keep away from the money issue as it sounds like you may already have accidentally made things kind of weird there.

Original poster
MyBusyWriter · 24/09/2025 00:09

I just texted back, "oops I'm sorry for the misunderstanding my husband presented it as if it was for both of us since we both graduated together."

I don't have time to respond to everyone individually so I will address all the thoughts and questions I've read into one response and come back later and respond again.

It feels like some of you are assuming my husband would prioritize being a loyal son over being a loving husband by accepting the gift individually. For us, our marital relationship is closer and more important than his relationship with his mother. This graduation was a joint achievement, and we've been a team throughout grad school, sharing finances, making sacrifices, and supporting each other. Given our partnership, it's natural for us to celebrate together. In fact, we share all finances, so it's unlikely he'd keep the money separate - we'd naturally use it together. We've already decided to use the gift for a joint celebration, a weekend trip to mark our graduation as a couple. My husband even presented the card as a joint gift, saying 'Mom gave us a card for graduating, let's open it together.' I assumed it was for both of us, given our shared achievement and finances. My parents recognized our joint effort and treated us both to a celebration. I thought my MIL would do the same, especially since she's been part of our lives for years and witnessed our hard work. It feels odd that she didn't acknowledge my achievement in any way, not even with a small gesture. I think it's lovely when parents recognize their child's partner's hard work and contributions.

OP posts:
ComedyGuns · 24/09/2025 00:10

Cripes! This is a huge over reaction - I would backtrack fast to save this blowing up.

Original poster
MyBusyWriter · 24/09/2025 00:12

ViperHalliwell · 23/09/2025 23:54

I wouldn't have assumed it was for both of you if it was inside a card with just his name on it. Of course he was free to share it with you and she may even have 100% assumed that he would given your shared financial situation, but it was also her choice to give it to him. Maybe it was something she planned before you were even in the picture, something she did with all her children to mark special occasions, something her parents did with her. Maybe your husband can shed some light if it's confusing you.

Did she acknowledge your graduation in any way, even just verbally? If you're hurt or surprised that she didn't acknowledge it at all, then I think that might have been something to discuss if you have the kind of relationship with her where you do discuss such things - but be careful to keep away from the money issue as it sounds like you may already have accidentally made things kind of weird there.

He has one younger sister so it wasn't like this was something she did with her older kids and he didn't even start grad school until him and I were engaged so this was much more about our relationship than the mother son relationship. Even if she did it that way for her older kids if she had them it would have cost her nothing more to add my name. I did get a small congratulations but that was it and my husband simultaneously gets a ton of money and I get a verbal congrats. It just seems very dismissive again given our relationship and that we are close and I've been a family member for many years. I gotten more of a big deal made by co workers from my own MIL I would have thought I would have gotten a small token gift or something. If she gave my husband a 1000 and me a gift card for a small amount somewhere I would have been happy with that but it was the whole way this was done that shocked me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBusyWriter · 24/09/2025 00:13

ComedyGuns · 24/09/2025 00:10

Cripes! This is a huge over reaction - I would backtrack fast to save this blowing up.

I texted back apologizing for the misunderstanding.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBusyWriter · 24/09/2025 00:14

Iwantsandybeachesandgoodfood · 23/09/2025 23:51

I think it’s really cheeky of you! Why would she need to acknowledge YOUR achievements. I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years and we’re a family unit but we’re still individuals. He’s still her son and she’s entitled to give him a congratulatory gift. Did your parents give you both gifts?

Not sure how her including me on the card would have taken away from her son? Doesn't she think her son would want his own wife acknowledged for crying out loud. Yes my parents gave us both a card and treated us both to a fancy restaurant and she is very much aware of that

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBusyWriter · 24/09/2025 00:15

Iwantsandybeachesandgoodfood · 23/09/2025 23:51

I think it’s really cheeky of you! Why would she need to acknowledge YOUR achievements. I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years and we’re a family unit but we’re still individuals. He’s still her son and she’s entitled to give him a congratulatory gift. Did your parents give you both gifts?

What do you mean by he's still her son? Wasn't aware acknowledging her DIL changed the DNA to make him less her son

OP posts:
Wreckinball · 24/09/2025 00:19

OP you’re being a drama lama. Anyone can gift anyone they choose to and it’s normal for a parent to gift their child.