to want to have a talk about my feelings

[MyBusyWriter]

Hi everyone! I'm seeking advice on a situation with my mother-in-law. My husband and I graduated from grad school at the same time, and we've been married for 4 years after dating for 8. We have a very good relationship with his mum and see her often. Recently, she gave my husband a $1000 check for his graduation, and I texted her to thank her, assuming the gift was for both of us given our joint achievement, our marriage, and our close relationship. We've always been treated as a unit by her, and I thought she'd recognize our shared accomplishment. However, she replied saying the cash was actually just meant for my husband. What hurts me is that she explicitly stated it was for him only, and the fact that she didn't include me feels like a subtle distinction. Given our relationship and family dynamic, I didn't expect her to make this kind of separation. I'm very hurt to say the least because she made it a point to exclude me from the card and then explicitly stated in not so many words your graduation doesn't matter and I don't care about it and I don't want you to have any of the money. I'm also confused why she thinks my husband would keep $1000 from me and not share it given we both graduated.

AIBU to want to have a talk with her about my feelings?

And the OP goes mad if anyone dares to suggest that a mother’s relationship with her son is not diminished by him having a wife.

This is a very familiar writing style.

And the OP will insist that her family treats them as one unit always but there is some deep sense of insecurity that keeps coming up over these incredibly minor issues.

If your parents gave you and your DH a joint gift to celebrate your academic achievements, I can see why you are upset. When you messaged her to thank her for the card and gift, I think it was quite rude of her to explicitly tell you that it wasn't meant for you to share. If I gave any of my adult kids money and their partners thanked me, I wouldn't tell them that it wasn't meant for them to share. Your DH obviously expected you to share the gift and he is still going to do so. You obviously feel different about your MIL now and less close than you did which is understandable.

Honestly you sound rather unhinged yourself. OP's DH has taken her side, not his mother's. As her DH said, his mother could have just said 'you're welcome' when OP thanked her rather than explicitly telling her that the gift and card weren't for her. Once she has given her son the money, she can't dictate how he spends it and he is sharing it with his wife.

This. If the card only had DH 's name on it then you knew it was not a joint gift. You thanked her just to push her buttons.
It's up to DH whether he shares it with you. It was his gift

I do think YABU. If I graduated from the same program as my husband, I wouldn’t expect a gift from his parents. However, if his parents gave a cash gift, it would ultimately be for both of us. We share finances, so it would probably go to a trip or something fun we would do together. If he bought something for himself, then we would still come out ahead, as he didn’t use joint savings for it…. Hence we would still go and do something fun, and I would benefit.
I wouldn’t overthink it, you have different views on joint finances and merging celebrations, it’s a small issue!

JFC what's the matter with you? Unless you are OP's MIL, why on earth do you care enough to post this spiteful rant to a complete stranger. You seem massively personally invested for some reason.

You are a unit to you. To his mum he's her son and you're her dil. If one of his friends gives hiim something will you expect that it's for you as well? You do know you are separate individuals?

I find your stance quite worrisome and I recommend for you to see a therapist because there is something not quite sane in the way you regard your couple which might put you at risk for an emotional breakdown in the future. Some posters are calling you unhinged but I would rather say you've got blurred boundaries and expectations.

It seems I am an outlier, but I find it weird and rude that she didn’t acknowledge you alongside her son.
is she one of those daft women who think women should remain in the home and not have an education, or something?

I don’t blame you for feeling hurt. I also am not sure that telling her you’re hurt or expressing feelings to her would be the best course of action. She’s been rather cold to exclude you.

maybe it will soothe the sting a little to focus on gratitude for your own parents, who were gracious and generous enough to take you both out to celebrate.

If I were in your husband’s shoes, I’d be so embarrassed. Good on him to choose to share it - enjoy it - she can just fuck right off.

congratulations! I guess it’s a gift to know who you’re dealing with , but yeah, that would sting.

Given you share finances it was a bit odd she excluded you, especially in the card. My son is 3yrs into a relationship now (met at uni) and I did buy one joint gift for them to do together but I also gave my son 1k, which was just for him, though i’d certainly have no objection if it was spent on a joint holiday etc. She was rude to say it was just for him when you thanked her, i’d have just said no worries. I am a bit divided as I do think it’s ok for parents to treat their own child but given this was something you started together it does seem a bit odd to exclude you.

OP I cannot understand why you came on to this forum seeking opinion/advice to then shoot down in flames the vast majority of respondents who have rightly pointed out that you are an entitled, shit stirring cow.

You MIL gave her son a graduation present from which, despite her intentions, you will both benefit. Because you have now thrown your toys out of the pram, your husband (presumably for an easy life, though I doubt life with you is ever easy) has decided to back your entitled shit and chastise his mother for generously gifting him some money. If I were her I'd cancel the bloody cheque as you are both a pair of prize arseholes and if your husband is really that offended by his mother being kind, the only honourable way to proceed would be to return the money.

You and your DH sound as bad as each other tbh. Poor MIL can't do right for doing wrong. Never have children, you are not cut out for it.

That last sentence is foul.

She gave him a generous gift, which he intended to share with you, she’s apologised for leaving you off the card…and now he’s confronting her about hurting you, because you’ve thrown a prolonged disproportionate tantrum? Are you trying to have him fall out with his family over this!? Grow up, stop being so bloody dramatic, and think about the ridiculous situation you’re putting your DH in having to take sides with you, against his own mother.

she replied saying the cash was actually just meant for my husband.
I was recently given a cash gift with the explicit instruction that I was to treat myself with something I wouldn’t usually consider buying for myself (they wanted to spoil me and didn’t want me to spend it on other people). My DH didn’t kick off, he thought it was a lovely sentiment. She hasn’t said that he can’t share it, so there’s no reason you won’t benefit from his gift.
the fact that she didn't include me feels like a subtle distinction
The distinction was, as she explained in her reply to you, the money was a gift to her son, not a gift for you.

So much hype over graduating - you haven't cured cancer. The other issue here is that the Op appears to expect massive fanfare over an everyday thing.

It is also true. If this is her level of crazy over the perceived slight of being missed off a card, any children would have a bloody miserable life. Everything in the OP's world is about her. I know this as my mother was just like her.

What would be funny now, is if you drop the bomb that you work in family counselling.

This is bloody mad.

Exactly.

I’m not sure why the MIL had to clarify that the cash was for her son. If this was my DIL and I got that text I would simply assume that my son had decided to share the money with his wife and spend it on something jointly. I’d text back ‘no problem you enjoy it.’

However, as a wife I wouldn’t expect that the money was ‘ours’ in the first instance. I’d ask my husband what he’d planned to spend it on.

So I would say both are a little wrong and a little right. But I wouldn’t spend much time thinking of it now!

What the hell have I just read?

Slowly backs out of thread, whilst thanking my lucky stars my DH never in a million years would carry on like this.

From everything you've written, it does sound like you're competing with your MIL for status, that you're being somewhat proprietorial. That would have been signaled to her when you thanked her for the money she gave to him. It's not a good look and it's quite a common thing for young wives to do.

You're not siblings, you're husband and wife. This means your MIL can treat you differently and you should expect that.

Just keep quiet next time, don't feel the need to assert yourself and your "position". Spend the money how you'd like, the pair of you. Given you're married, it's 50% yours by law anyway, right? Not that this matters.

Dear @MyBusyWriter, I agree with you absolutely, and all my children and their partners get given exactly the same amount of money for their birthdays and Christmas. My grandchildren also get the same amount of money spent on each of them - well within a few pounds depending on what I am buy them, but they usually get £10 or £20 pounds more spent on them, sometimes more if they want a toy/whatever that costs more than I would normally spend. However, with my children and their partners, if I see something that I think one of them would particularly like/enjoy at anytime during the year, I will buy that for them, and then some other time I will buy the other one something if I think they would really like it. I started that little tradition off with my children's partner, so that they wouldn't think I favouring my own child!
So if I could have afforded to give $1000 dollars- or the pound equivalent - to my own child, I wouldn't have done so if I couldn't afford the same for their partner. If I couldn't afford 1000 each, I would have split it to be 500.

I do hope that this hasn't upset you further OP, as I am just showing that some mothers do agree with your way of thinking. I am not saying that your MiL is wrong to do it her way, it is probably the way many families approach these things, but I am so grateful to my children's partners for making my children so happy, that I can't help but love my sons' and/or dauthters'-in-laws for doing so. It just isn't in my bones/heart/mind to treat my own children better than I do their beloved partners.

Your MiL probably cares for you as much as she can OP for non blood relatives, but it seems that treating her in-laws equally to her own children might not have even crossed her mind. Anyway, you husband sounds lovely, which is far more important than how his MiL views the world. Congratulations to both of you for graduating 🎓 and enjoy your well deserved celebrations 🎉🎁🥘🍰🍾

You're overreacting. She congratulated you and gave her son a gift.